In the "mud'...up to my chin.
Can breathe okay. Working hard. cleaning, purging stuff, scrubbing, moving, envisioning, trying space out. The focus is good. The rest is not. I don't know what's wrong because I can't peg what's not 'right". The only thing that is helping with this on-the-edge-of-spinning-off-the-planet feeling is lightening my material load. And I don't mean my eating habits. All I want (or at least think I want) is to let enough things go so it looks like an Erin version of the Ikea catalogue in here or so that it will all fit perfectly in the rv and not move around when we get the heck out of dodge. I feel like running, running away but I don't know where to and I don't know why.I just do.
And it's not because I am grieving or craving relationships. As far as I can tell.
It's also time to move beyond just with what's up with "me"--time to grow out and deep. Where's that ONE wing I'm supposed to have when I have arrived and I'm all self-actualized and stuff? I feel like Some One should stick a label on me that says "Been There, Done That" Inspected by I AM and She Passes Muster. "-dang,
Squishy is fine. Tired. Doggie daycare is good for him but it will be going away for a long while now. He gets to have quality time with himself. In his crate if he chooses to eat holes in my walls. And we will take more long walks. Need one badly. Have it on the calendar before we go get walking sticks for 1st grade woodworking tomorrow.
I know it's probably nothing but I am concerned about this latest/newest lump on my chest.
I see the doctors on Thurs. and Friday. I crack myself up when I look down the aging road for myself and I imagine that my chest will look like the pillow from my childhood that I literally had for 24 years and after it had been washed a few times, all the stuffing was chunked and molded into the corners and into lumps andbumps, but it was comfortable, it was sort of soft, it smelled right, and it was MINE! Funny what we remember.
All the plans for the celebration for this weekend are coming together. Everyone is working so hard and cooperatively. A little scary actually. But it makes me proud. Now I have to go find some fake bugs for my bulletin board at school. And I will chuckle again to myself at my father who has trouble hearing "fake bugs" but knows exactly what "artificial entymological samples" are! He even recommended the stores to find them!!! It doesn't get any better than that! And after I find the bugs, I am going to pack my suitcase to run away...with Squishy. Probably out to the backyard to sleep in the rv. Maybe it will rain.........