The house is lit by candleight only. It is so peaceful. And it's starting to smell like home again. I don't know why it didn't--ait, yes, I do--when you don't do dishes for three days, things can begin to reek. Well, dishes are done. And so is my first retake class of catechetical year 2. And it was a pleasure. Mostly. I like to learn about things like that. And it makes for interesting conversation with the Committee in my head, the part of me that is reading Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd and the smart alec who would rather be at home. The irreverance is quite entertaining but distracting when I am trying to actually finish the paperwork this time. And I did. Well. Thoughtfully. Enough to jump through a hoop. Not sure why I care though. But I'm signed up for the next one. It's close and it's on a free night.

Cedar is snoozing on the couch. He wasn't too sure about all this candelight stuff. I told him to get used to it. it's how we spend most of the winter. My favorite is baking bread and other deliciosities by candlelight.
I worked out this morning. Didn't fall off anything. Still having trouble with the sparkly light thingies just off the periphery until the drugs kick in. Need real caffeine. I've got some stuff from the interior garden on my plate and I'm not dealing. So my dear body is saying, Deal or we will deal with it for you. From your bed. Flat on your back or with some sessions on the bathroom floor. Okay. Okay.
I was going to keep things light and airy, but I;ve decided to keep them real instead. I'm not complaining. Or living in my head.
I am grieving Fiona and Sadie something fierce.
And to some extent my former life that wasn't really real.
I am face to face with my financial situation and the water for that garden. We are on course and it is scary.
I am afraid that one or some of those dear to me will get sick, very sick. Sounds kind of infantile to even mention it.
i am afraid that if I quit my job I won't find what I want (even though I have this knack for asking and then getting womped with the abundance of the gift of the Universe)
It's all this fear just dancing around saying stuff that isn't real. It is annoying, distracting, disabling, non nourishing, crappy, lonely....thing.
And that's all it is.
I need to get some home repair projects going around here. That will make a huge difference. Maybe I'll start with one in my head. Someone please hand me the hammer....