Mississippi Moments

Monday, April 28, 2008

It's been a busy weekend...so busy, in fact, that a couple of times, I forgot that this is a.d. (after diagnosis).
I would rather be updating my classroom website but the server at school isn't responding. The raccoons woke me and Squishy up around 2 a.m. and they are still messing around up there. I have GOT to get a call into the Dept. of Wildlife up in Mill Creek tomorrow. We were sleeping in front of the warm (too warm) fire in the cabin room because we got a surprise visit and stay from Little Feather yesterday. That was a treat.
I have been working on lesson plans. I ate like a real person yesterday for the first time since b.c. (before cancer). Oh, Michael Graham makes the BEST veggie casserole ever. Delish. And perfect. And just hearty enough for a rainy spring evening. I have certainly been treated royally this weekend. Thinking on an open letter for all the love, support, gifts, flowers, prayers, smiles, hugs, honesty.
THis should probably be in my journal, but L.F. is asleep in the bedroom and I don't want to disturb her. I am nervous about getting the results this week. I feel like until then I just live my regular, juicy, lovely, grace-filled life and make room for the reality that is cancer. When in Truth, I know that all this other will fall away as I reconfigure to heal, embrace, "fight"--whatever you want to call what comes next. I have been given some excellent resources to begin learning about the nutritional, meditative, and exercise tools that I might access. I know that some things will need to go. It's funny that I don't have any regret about giving up some of those things-like Diet Pepsi. I've not read anything yet about this but with cancer in my body, it just seems better to not drink anything that caused cancer in other living beings (sigh-for the other living beings).
Some other things are unfolding with grace and some things are just unfolding. Can't work much in the garden right now. Little spats. It tires me out. My chest hurts with the heavy weeding. I may need to ask for help but I am not quite there yet. I love having my hands and other parts in Mother Earth. I am sure the Life Changes have only just begun..........
Colleen's blog is something else from this weekend. It was just like that. Oh my Heavens. I am still in "4 Heaven" with that essence of "I AM SPECIAL. I BELONG. I AM LOVED." Talk about a non-ordinary reality experience or high.
Thank heavens, Lydia is back from vacation. Now Squishy can have his routine back somewhat. And so can we. Some things act as oak trees, foundational necessities--Lydia (and Marcia) are that for Cedar and Me.
I enjoyed prayer, share, and coffee with Jean, Mike and Laura on Saturday. It actually felt like spring and in the warm and bright morning light, fear had no place, no power, no effect other than in passing. I want more of that. I choose more of that.
I finally figured out how to read Meg's blog. She has no idea (or maybe that beautiful spirited, amazing young woman does) how much this whole thing has revealed one of my Heart's deepest intentions--to create, recreate active relationships of love and attention with my nieces and nephews, one at a time, one Heart at a time--so they know how much they are loved by me even though I am a screw-up sometimes and inattentive to details like birthdays, soccer games, volleyball, etc. They are still sooo close in my Heart and I hold our Sacred Contracts of relationship in holy, loving Heart Space....now I am really sounding like a 4.
I was asked about the adoption a couple of times by people/neighbors/acquaintances who don't know about the cancer. (And I don't need to tell them). The adoption is on the back burner completely. For obvious reasons for me. But also for not so obvious reasons for most adoptive families in the program. The latest (as of Wed. this week) is that virtually all referrals have dried up completely for U.S. families. Indefinitely. The Vietnamese president will be coming to the US in June and the adoption agencies and their political advocates will be seeking face to face time. With all sides. I read (rhymes with bed) the latest update from CHI and just shrugged. I have let go of any attachment to the adoption because of a.d.and I have begun to do some work about letting this go...it remains to be seen. I am not giving it any energy. The other families are in anguish. That part was hard to read. I continue to stay out of the chat rooms. I don't even know enough about my wellness situation or the rules around it. So I gave it to the Lord and my Spirit Guides to hold for as long and in what ways are best for my and the Greater Good. I trust that. It is hard to trust some things these days.
I am tired, still. I have not been able to stop myself from making a few "cancer funnies". That might seem ludicrous and insensitive but if I can't laugh about this then I need to have someone give me a real wedgie so I can access my sense of humor again. There is absolutely NOTHING about this that makes sense and it gives the Theater of the Absurd a real run for their money....EAT YOUR SHORTS, HAROLD PINTER!
Dad goes in for his surgery in about an hour. Hold my Dear One in your Prayer and Thoughts and Love, That's what I will be doing even thought it will look like we are learning long e words and learning to measure with rulers. Good luck, Mon Pere. You are in the Best Hands. In every way.
I believe I am falling in Love again. With life. And with a very sweet boy. This couldn't have come at a better time. And I laid the ground rules for myself on Friday and they are right on the fridge. Therapy works, Man!! So do boundaries. So do alot of other things that I won't write about. And I know how to take steps back and take care of myself. That kind of self-trust is the absolute best. If you don;'t have it yet as your Life practice, may I suggest that you find what it takes and then practice it. It is immeasurably Home-coming. It is though you see your Self as your Creator see You....and you treat Your Self accordingly. Amazing stuff. This living authentically...except when you are working too much and too hard to distract your self from feeling afraid. That's part of the deal.
I send Love and receive Love this week. My prayer is the same for you. And a glass of organic merlot or whatever Megs was drinking at Azteca.:)

2 Comments:

  • At 7:56 AM, Blogger The Freewaydiva said…

    Love you!

    Please to be removing the "C" word from your vocabulary, and - for the love of all that is holy - don't "make room" for it in your life or your body. What you think about, you bring about, and whatever you focus on is what you get. ::pointed look at the powerful brain you have::

    If you let this define you, it will. I, for one, would prefer a different alternative. One where this is just an interesting story down the road. One where you don't turn and fight the bad thing and give it your energy, you just keep on walking forward into your beautiful, love-filled life.

    Did I mention that I love you? 'Cause I do!

    And you looked radiant the other day, too. :)

     
  • At 3:01 PM, Blogger Megs said…

    Love you lots auntie. I raise my Pina Colada to you. Big hugs and kisses.
    Meg

     

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