Mississippi Moments

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

I don't know quite how to put this because by writing it, it becomes more real.
The results came back. It is sarcoma, a connective tissue cancer.
More tests. More surgery. More waiting. More treatment.
I am in shock. Understandable. Not sleeping too well. 2 hours last night. Can't quite still my mind yet. I will get good, very good at this and my Breathing. Can't seem to do that without really paying attention. Can't eat. It makes me sick. Will try tea later. I can feel the fear in my body running through. Just letting it run through (not run wild, run through-there is a difference) and noticing. I let my admin at work know. Will spend the next whatevers simplifying and getting right back down to the basics.
I am going to share something here that I don't think I have but maybe did.
When things were going bad at the beginning of the end with Neil and our time together, I had some hard days and nights. I have a wolf box that my brother and his family gave me. I put my worst fears in that box for the Wolf and Jesus and Spirit to Hold. I have since burned the other fears because they all came true except two. One more of them is true-the cancer one.
Time to put a few more things in the box.
I can feel everyone reaching out to me so I am not alone. Know that I appreciate it and I am VERY alone right now. This is awful. I'll come to the Grace and Gratitude part in my own way. First things first. I want to be able to keep stuff down. I want to teach kids, dance, anything without crying. I want to have coffee and take my dog for walks. I want to work out at Curves regularly again. I want to chop kindling (it may snow on Sat.). I want to go camping. I want to celebrate my birthday this year. I want to hold hands with someone I love at least once everyday and I'm not joking. I don't want to answer a lot of questions. I want to have Hope. I Believe in that-BIG TIME. So does my Heart. So do my DREAMS.


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