Mississippi Moments

Thursday, March 06, 2008

All hats are off tonight and the one I am wearing on one line might just as quickly be switched to another. So I don't apologize for the "crazy" stream of what's to come.
Fire going. Christmas music on. Nice glass of cranberry juice. Squishy working on a bone and I just pee'd outside in my backyard in the one place that I can without being seen (so I think and hope but really don't care). Kind of in a "gonna do what I want" mood but not too sure what that is in big ways--more sure in little ones. Like, (inner dialogue) "I would like to do the dishes now. And by golly I will." Dishes get done.
"I don't want to walk the dog right now. But by gum, we will 'cause it's good for both of us. Dog and my butt get walked. And I enjoyed it once I was out there. "I want a cup of tea and then I want to read some la-la alternative-green r us magazine in bed instead of do yardwork or anything else after school today". Tea, some stuff read, and snooze (as opposed to full out nap) occurred. So did listening to Dave Ramsey on the radio.He's a financial common sense Christian guy who gives advice. Which brings me to some of my first thoughts.
*The more I work and the harder I work, it seems that the more I get dumped on by playing by some f*@#&$^$ rules I don't even know about. Just feels that way. And everything feels that way. right now. everything.
*I have sooo outgrown where I am working. I don't really know why I am staying. FOr some Dream that doesn't exist anymore. And because I like the drive and the mountains and the water and the library there and the big open playground. I am perceived as an "oddity". Old fashioned. Not understood. TOday-field trip to Sea Tac with the other first grade. Our first one of the year. At the last minute, I didn't know that it was my job to check and make sure that the new background checks have been completed on all the drivers and chaperones. MY JOB?!?! Well, no they hadn't. And so we are f&^&%&****trying to round up drivers who are cleared at the last minute. It worked out. ONe of them was 15 minutes late. She had been running off a Spanish assignment that her older child had not been able to print off for his class today (instead of letting the kid deal with the consequences). Anyway we got there. It was a busy and long route all over the airport. Cool really. But the kids had been forewarned that it was long and to eat snack before etc., etc. There was a lot of complaining toward the end which I stopped. Then at lunch, one parent (who was not in my class group) let her kids climb all over some rock art. The airport folks asked us not to climb on there but to eat our lunches on the benches or at tables. She actually questioned me in front of the children when I mentioned that they needed to get down and why. I even helped bring over a chair for her to have a seat with the kids at a table. Three seconds later they are back climbing on the rocks. And I heard her talking to one of my parents as to how I was so controlling and uptight.One of my students went over to join the other first graders and she made eye contact for about one second from me and quickly got down and returned to her table to finish her lunch. Nothing was said. Nothing was needing to be said. She got it. She knew. She made a good choice. She reaped a good consequence for her choice. I just can't believe the blatant sense of entitlement and disrespect that came out today.
And I later fielded tow complaints from other grown-ups about the trip. I sort of agreed to make it easier for myself to get out of the conversations. And I can't help thinking-what a load of SH*t! What a sense of entitlement. IF they only knew what the kids in Jonestown would have done with a tour of the airport like that. I remember what a big deal it was to just go down to the airport to watch them take off adn land and taxi and get loaded with the cargo and the people. I can't remember which kid mom used to take down there. I remember what a unremarkable but special time it was to take our dinner out to Golden Gardens or down to the humpyards and watch the trains or to that park by the tower down near SPU and the canal. I had a parent actually tell me today that she heard from her daughter that I liked "old fashioned" things. I said yes, I did. And that was the only thing we had in common really to talk about. Next whe was in a conversation about international travel and the sorority that another mom had belonged to in college and a Ramrod Marathon Biking Event she was signed up for. I don't fit here. I know it's a 4's saga but I really don't. My students were fairly well behaved today. Only one was made my "special friend" for a portion.
**I had a conference this morning before school with a set of parents. Their darling is "bored". I said "bored spitless". They both looked surprised and said yes. I said I knew. I listened and then I outlined all the things I have been doing to offer her choices. All she does is set her chin and look at me with defiance. (It's her job. At this age. I know it. I expect it. And I know what to do about it when I am in my power and wisdom and confidence.)I showed them all the progress that she has been making. I described to a f&*(&*^%$$ T everything (at least 12) things that I have been doing to give her choices. There have been several complaints from other students and parents about how mean and selfish ("Strong-willed and assertive") this only child is. The mom mentioned that she was put in a gifted program at this age. I then mentioned that I was doing all that I could and I mentioned that I also had a tumor and was a little distracted. Oh, and lice twice and was basically exhausted by how much energy that was taking away from my energy for my job. Low shot, I know. But I was being honest. I also outlined that they had options she could bring from home. Apparently my books at school are not good enough for her so she wants to bring her own. GO FOR IT. She won't write to extend for me at the moment.So maybe she wants to bring a special journal from home. GO FOR IT. I DON'T CARE. Here's a funny though. After weeks of offering good rich literature for her to try and getting "THE CHIN". I left out a copy of The Hundred Dresses on the edge of the library and didn't say a word. She picked it up. And she has had her nose in it for three days. Her parents already have tickets to the SCT version of this later this spring. Sigh. They mentioned that she was bored in math. I showed them the Match Challenge booklet and all the 3rd/4th grade grammar, main idea, problem-solving, and spalding work she has. I also showed them the marks to show how she is consistently growing and areas of improvement needed. In 20 minutes. WHO IS WAGGING THIS DOG???Since when do 6 year old children run the world and the grown-ups are supposed to jump because they "ARE BORED"?????? Get your ass and head in a GOOD BOOK! Draw something. Write something. Daydream. IT IS NOT MY JOB TO ENTERTAIN YOU OR TO FIX YOUR BOREDOM. WHAT A BRAT!!!!! THERE ARE SO MANY!!!!!!!!
*On to accreditation. After having had to do the work for two subs and the work of a committee that needs 6 -12 people on it, I spoke up for my committee members and myself. There are 3 of us. We have been doing a bucketload of work and to out it mildly, WE GOT DUMPED ON. And the other committee members know it now. Feel it now. Since I'm on a roll, let's keep on with it. I tried to TELL THEM. NO ONE WOUL DLISTEN TO ME. DO you know how that feels? AWFUL! BLOODY FRICKIN'AWFUL! And I felt a low grade depression coming on because of that. And other things. So anyway. I spoke up. To our principal. IN those words exactly. She acknowledged that we had in fact had. ANd that we had been given the wrong indicators for a whole day of wasted work. And that we had not been given the data we needed or even the survey guidelines to go ask to get the data we needed, yadaydayada. And here's what she said: I PICKED THE THREE STRONG, QUIET DEPENDABLE PEOPLE I COULD COUNT ON EVEN THOUGH I KNEW YOU HAD BEEN DUMPED ON."
What do you think when you hear that? Again, I didn't care. I stated what we wanted to have happen as a group-we wanted the entire curriculum committee -12 strong back to finish and complete the section we had been given , us three. I also said that I wasn't going to take any more time off to do that work and that I wasn't going to work on it in small group anymore." I don't know if she heard me. I think she did. But I said my piece. I'm done. When I don't feel part of the vision/dream of a thing anymore-whether school, marriage, dancing--we're done.
And I'm in a world of grief about all this. I don't know what to do with myself. Physically, I have turned into my worst nightmare. And it isn't what a nightmare could be--but I didn't want to be a square, plain, (ugly to me), fat middleaged woman who is past her prime. That's how I feel. It is bordering on the ridiculous for me to be performing dancing now. I never thought I would get there. But I'm there. Not because I want to be but just because it is. I wish I could say I was a Wild, Succulent Woman who just Danced Her Dreams...I am seriously asking myself what I have to live for these days? And it isn't because I am in a midlife crisis. I know how to take care of Squishy. I know how to take care of the minutiae. I just don't know what to live for. This isn't enough.

I am enjoying reading the letters of Paul while he was in prison. I enjoyed reading Educating Waverley again. It was like taking a long walk with an old friend. I am enjoying listening to Flicker in our neighborhood. I am enjoying spring springing up. I am eating too much to fill the hole. I am sick of having dreams about making love with my ex-husbands but I can't fathom taking the energy to get into the mode to date again. no way.
And I am thinking to myself-why be responsible? Why do things around the house anyway? Who cares? I don't. The only sanity I feel is when I am doing something familiar and then it feels like a dog and pony show. In the long run, I don't believe it will matter. Except I can see teh power of the positive in the eyes of certain learners and friends and dogs. And that matters. This is a really difficult place to be in.
Maybe a haircut and an eyebrow wax will help. Someday this month.
Do you know they never followed through at school with the subsequent lice checks like they said they would? Like they told us? See what I mean? Why bother? It's so disheartening. And I just don't want to add another thing to my schedule to get busy and distracted. What's the point? I can't seem to find mine these days and nights. So I just correct papers from school, pay bills, build slow-burning fires, and try to remember to brush my teeth. I hate this. I really do. This is not how I want to live. But what for?? What for??
*Word came from the Vietnam MOU talks today. There has been no formal agreement or even anything in writing between our gov't and theirs. If there isn't anything 6 months out (by the end of MArch), then there isn't an agreement and what's next is literally a BIG ????. I am not making this up or feeding drama. They have asked us not to pass on the newsletters from the agency but I have the latest one and it says jsut this. So does the official website of the adoption agency. And I have this gut feeling that there is going to be a deadend.
And on top of this--the RV. What represents freedom and one of my most simple pleasures. And an act of empowerment and defiance to the man who said to me that I would never get out and do anything. (Like holding down a job, doing Waldorf training, learning to be a good dependable friend and sister, buying a house and taking care to love it, believing in a Dream and a Relationship for as long as I did, like traveling to Jonestown and doing the good work there is nothing)...the RV does have this flaw. A big one. I am hesitant to take it out again. And after I just had tons of work on it. And I don't have the energy to find someone to fix it. Or even save to have it done. Or do I sell it as is. How do I explain what I know? I won't be dishonest. I wish someone would help me understand what my choices are here. It is just taking up room in the backyard if I am not going to use it and enjoy it. Another dead Dream. Not good for this 4. Not good at all.
So alot is going on-seems like all or nothing--no school, no dancing other than teaching, no Rv, no baby, no strong, healthy me,.
Yes Squishy. Yes, walks. Yes, Subaru. Yes, washer. Yes, baths. Yes, reading some. Yes, good dancing work in Seattle and Monroe. Yes Jonestown.
I want a T@B trailer that I can pull with the Subaru. I don't want to be alone so much. At least in my own head. It isn't much fun these days. I tell my thoughts to shut up and sit down ALOT. Alot. Time to go do dishes.

3 Comments:

  • At 8:36 PM, Anonymous coli said…

    i *LOVE* you.
    and will see you tomorrow and make some plans for a walk and a nice long talk.

     
  • At 9:14 PM, Blogger The Freewaydiva said…

    :: big, strong hugs ::

     
  • At 9:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Perfect time for a sisters night. We will surround you with love and good energy. xoxo maude

     

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