Mississippi Moments

Saturday, June 05, 2010

Musings on the Cosmic Teeter Totter

I can never lose one
whom I have loved unto the end;
one to whom my soul cleaves so firmly
that it can never be separated
does not go away
but only goes before."St. Bernard of Clairvaux

This was shared by a colleague this week. From a friend of hers whose husband has been dying and went Home on Friday morning. At this time of year, it has been a pattern to always be confronted by waves and feelings of loss, change, Some regrets (or many), and Grace. Lots of Grace. The Truth, for me, is that Grace is ALL there is. My thinking isn't coming smoothly this morning...gonna keep at it anyway so I have this for later chewing....
When I think on(not dwell on) these times that can be quite painful, rippingly so, in ways that mean life will never be the same again, I also get samples of Balance from the other side. Remembrances(or "Ah-hahs) of when these kinds of times teemed with Loyalty, Support, Calm, Peace, Inner Strength (and we are not talking the kind where you endure with a gut wrenching soul-wedgie until you can get home to let it all out--which you could do anyway but we are talking about Inner Strength that holds Healing and Power). It is the Balance wherein dwells Grace. So I asked the Universe, my Source to bring me examples--Here they come tripping across the Bridge like Heavenly Billy Goats Gruff....
*I usually think of Grandpa and Grandma Surridge when I am thinking on the ancestors and showing up. Yesterday was different when Grandpa Raney came waltzing into my consciousness, wearing a polyester jacket and white shoes, of course. I have been thinking on all the baby showers that are coming up. Not my favorite thing these days. And my Grandfather, who had lost his Life Partner less than two months prior, came to my wedding and danced with me at the reception. His eyes in the photos speak volumes of Pain and Peace, Inner Strength and Support, Showing Up for Life when you feel Dead...Balance.
*Brenin---held me while I held Fiona. Then when I thought I would never care or get up from the floor again, with few words, took me to the water's edge, rocky, windy, perfect, handed me a beer, listened and climbed with me, shared from his heart, held space while I began to Recalibrate--to feel Life, that what had just passed was Life, too--there was Balance.
*All the shit that went down last year at this time of year(and it is starting to rain down now) and to protect myself this year, I am girding pretty tightly in the control freak dept. and holding on and swaying as needed and keeping my head low and muttering to myself "It'll burn. It'll burn. Five hundred years from now this will be a blip."And here comes the Universe with emails, hall fly-bys, car line shouts, surprise rib-breaking hugs by the pirate pub around the corner from the dance studio from a parent whose child I taught 4 years ago!, notes, colleagues telling me about 7th graders in their room wanting to know why I was jumping ship NOW? (not going to be there when we graduate?!?!), arm touches and one or two fist-bumps on my shoulder from others who shake their heads but have eyes full of gratitude------BALANCE! And the creme---these are the families of the "Anowim"(don't know how to spell it but my therapist smiled and gave me the word from Bible last night as I was describing what has been happening)--it means "the little ones", "the voiceless", "the unSeen". That side of the Cosmic Teeter Totter is Balancing (perhaps, in truth, it is OUTweighing) all the other Crap.

So, sing it Brother Bernard....


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