Pass the Unturkey, get ready to rumble and make another of many difficult, stupid decisions that are really the most important for the time being and for what's to come...
This is what's been happening the past few days. The fire's going, the tears are flowing and I just emailed a Non to a wonderful family with a wonderful smooth collie puppy that would be perfect for me and mine but the timing isn't right, and by this, I don't mean it isn't perfect, it's just after spending the entire night thinking about it, I came to the decision that I don't have it in me to do right by this little-man dog and the baby to come. It is killing me. I am so sick of waiting....waiting...waiting...I thought I could have it all at once, but I couldn't live with myself if baby came, and 1 year old male lovely dog was here and then I don't have it to give what needs to happen. I would have called him Henry. I just can't be irresponsible in anyway not when there are other lives at stake here and I am responsible for making a quality of life choice. But what about MY quality of Life???????HUH????????????????There was more to the decision than that but that is for me to hold. I don't even know why I am writing about this...but for about 36 hours, my heart was on fire with life and hope again and I began to anticipate life in this house and in my life, meaningful life, not just going to work, teaching dance, attending stupid meetings about things that are important but not important to me right now. I don't know what else to say about it. Another set of friends just had their baby. I'm in the midst of some wonderful holidays and even managed to set off the fire alarm more in one evening than in the past 6 years, mostly because I have never cleaned the oven, I discovered cranberry wine, tried to 'martha' an apple pie by grinding my own cinnamon in a coffee grinder--that didn't work. Turi, bless her furry little have spices will travel heart, came over to help with said wine and to recover the apples and pears with ground cinnamon, cardammon, allspice, and nutmeg instead of the chunks..think Bridget Jones and her friends eating the blue soup, their faces and reactions. That's what would have happened with martha-style pie by emr. Also, when recipe says to baste in white wine, don't use cranberry. It will set off the fire alarm again.
I am sick of reading books, listening to guest speakers, attending support groups, filling out paperwork, getting a bloody health check(I've never been healthier), having my life and heart turned inside out when it would so easy to do it the 'easy" way. non....things are not bad, not in any sense of the word. just lots to think about and nothing to worry about.
Shopping still sucks. I don't get it and I am embarrassed at how we Americans are just consumer-FREAKS. It is so sad. And we are at war and people are so concerned with other things...I don't know what to think of anything anymore. Don't want to.
And I hate it that I can't type when I'm crying---pisses me off----even Andy WIlliams isn't helping. Whatever.