RX for Harried Hearts and Frazzled Minds....
"There is hope for all of us.
Well, anyway, if you don't die you live through it, day in, day out.
----------Mary Beckett via San Ban Breathnach
It's Sunday night. I just got back from working at school, putting those damn grades into the computer, writing the Nov. curriculum update, and just trying to find the hope in my heart and head. I'm just raw tonight and tired and I will be myself soon enough, with hope and a positive attitude soon.
It was wonderful for me to take care of Molly-dog this weekend and it was a mistake. My heart wasn't ready for it. Everytime I heard those tap-tap feet on the floor or felt snuffling or snuggling, I would look and expect to see F- or S-. Not there. Won't be...ever again...also, realized that commuting, even in the best of off hours, IS NOT FOR ME. I hated the time back and forth in the car to and from Bothell. I scheduled that one on purpose to see if I had outgrown my aversion to car-time even with interesting talk radio, books on tape, EMR music. Nope, it still sucked and for now I will remain in Ballard unless an apartment complex goes up right behind me.
Then there was the no clean underwear part of the weekend. I have been too darn busy to do laundry. I know my father is reading this (thanks for the gradebook, Dad.) but a girl has to have clean unders.The weather sucked--too stormy and too stuck in a cul-de-sac to go anywhere. too down to try. All three LOTR movies in between report card and accreditation HW stuff. Dance was good. Sunday was the best esp. Brigie made some wonderful tea and Rowan surprised us with her hardshoe reel. Brigie and I have to practice really hard not to hit Julie in the head. J- said she will stop on stage and punch us out. That's some impetus to do it right. Sara is uber patient and we are missing our Mary and Colleen...
At the turn of the Celtic New Year each year, I listen for the "theme" or the motto for the coming year. This one was a no brainer----"Ca va venir" ("It will come")
I am learning some hard lessons right now about taking people at their word, what is it in me that feels the NEED to be the "good girl" to prove my worth (at work), how to find the balance between work and Life, and what to do when it bitterly doesn't work out the way I expect it to. I have a huge aversion to boxing kids into quantities with percentages and crap like that. It's my baggage. The principal pointed that out to me this evening when she stopped by. I went off on her about how mad I was at her and the situation around these stinking report cards. One of my big problems is what these kinds of numbers meant for me as a kid and how I just balk at "doing" the same to them. I believed those numbers and that they actually had some relevance to Who I was, Who I AM, and my Worth. They still hold sway. There isn't enough room to
in the boxes and now I am corseted in what I can relate anyway with the data-driven decision making. There isn't a school out there that can hold my Vision...what to do with this....ca va venir......
I really want to take a short trip to Scotland. I really do.
There might be Shelties there. It might be like a piece of Heaven. I'm sitting in a piece of it right now--the fire is cheerily burning in the woodstove. I heated up some of my homemade potato soup. A cup of hot cocoa is sitting here now that I finished the wee glass of wine. I can feel my knees making scrinchling noises every time I shift or walk. And the heavy part of my moon is over. These are days of plenty.