Mississippi Moments

Sunday, October 29, 2006

A Double Blog Day! Is that like two-fisted drinking?
I just need to dump some, well actually, alot, so those of you looking for a spiffy idea to chew on or an inspirational tidbit, you might want to check out Beliefnet. A few minutes ago, I came back from the adoption single parenting support group. Tonight was CPR/1st aid for kids theme. It was also alot of really cute kids and babies dressed up for Halloween. The world needs as many princesses as it can get...and the one dragon-princess who couldn't decide which one to be, so she was both..at the same time...with sparkly wings...smart mom found a costume that would do double duty and for double years if she wants. One of the mothers received her referral for Vietnam this week-a three month old baby girl, healthy, smiling, tons of hair. It will be another 5 months before she can go to Vietnam to bring her home. I am ragged, jagged with this waiting. I feel so STUCK here at Fair Isle. I don't have the impetus to do anything but the minimum. It is downright depressing. When you start believing in yourself and learning to take good care ofyourself, things start to happen. it reverbs-mostly in positive ways-all over and in and out. I feel as if I am rebuilding my little family/pack from ground zero. Part of me wishes I could just be content with things the way there were-a simple, busy, life-giving life with job, hobbies, interests, friends, etc. Add a pet or two, and ca suffit. For this Four, it don't.
Part of my weekend FELT like it really sucked. It won't sound this way, but it FELT this way, and to me, that's what I am complaining about. I worked too much in my classroom and didn't get nearly a third accomplished of what needs to happen for assessment and report cards. I am just sick of working all the time and the work never ending...and this isn't that I am a slob at school and a shirker afterwork. I had even planned to go in tonight after the adoption group, but decided against it. i am not sleeping well and I have wanted a god-damned nap since 3 pm. I feel like I didn't connect with any of my brothers or family up in Snohomish at the soccer game because I am such a weirdo, talkative, don't-get-it EMR. It probably wasn't that way at all, but it was a big deal for me to make the trip up there. I enjoyed my time, but I came away with the hole inm y heart still hole-y. That's the trouble. I still have this Hole. Most of the time, I can fill it with the Lord's Help from the inside out. This weekend, I have struggled and still do.
My attention went to every single woman out walking her dog in the leaves and wind and rain this weekend. I even saw Jan and Friday, the full of himself male Sheltie that the girls couldn't tolerate when he was a puppy. I DON'T WANT TO WALK OUTSIDE ALONE WITHOUT MY DOGS!!!!In this deepending autumn...on the weekends....in the mornings...in the evenings....I DON'T WANT TO WALK WITHOUT MY DOGS. IT JUST AIN'T RIGHT. Yes, I am still Grieving...alot. And just distracting myself is simply that, distraction. I still have to feel what I need to feel and work through it. For now, I think I'll do what I am doing-just fighting it a bit because I don't want to be sad AGAIN. I can feel it in my body-my hairs ache, my teeth ache, my toenails ache, my jaw, my neck, my head. I am dizzy. I am sad. I am heartbroken. I am frustrated. I am alone. I am lonely. I am weary of being sad. I am sick of waiting. I am impatient. I am grateful to be here and alive. I am being me. So I have some struggle this weekend with emotional eating, not a ton, but more than usual.
I didn't go to a birthday gathering this weekend because the person of honor just returned from spending a month in New Zealand with Huckleberry. I couldn't be around that. I chose not to be. Coward-huh? Self care. But did that stop me from thinking about it all weekend-Non.
SO,I went to the Bodies exhibit downtown Sunday morning. I was wowed beyond belief. Our Creator-Source is an awesome Creator. And to see all of the bones, muscles, systems, organs, everything-in real life...it was extraordinary. The one part that made me truly sad was the fetuses. There were several who had died inutero from various issues. These dear little ones now in the Bosom of Abraham made me cry. I headed up to Brigie's and she graciously made me a cup of tea and I enjoyed my bookgroup book for a time before dance practice. It was a good start to our Yuletide practices. Sara has ideas going and the rest of us contribute to fioll out or flesh out or tweak her conceptions. This collaboration is part of what I love. The tapestry of our movement, our ideas, our rhythms, our herstories--all with the little "tornado" dancing in and out and all around. And she had names for the tow "groups" Brigie and me-we are the "Ageds" for obvious reasons and Sara and Julie are--well- the "Hard Lifes" (this child has too much thinking time on her hands-reminds me of someone I know very well)
Why Hard Lifes? Well because, the lab is closing for Sara and for Julie, the boathouse is a mess. And that makes it hard to have dance practice there. We demanded new names and were given the Cutie Pies. The Hard Lifes got Beauties. I'll take it.

I don't have the energy for school this week--to be bright, upbeat, repectful, celebratory--It's SAMHAIN FOR HEAVEN"S SAKE and I don't want to plant any more "Seeds of Glory". I just want to hold on to the ones I've got.
And last and certainly least, I have been trying out the online dating thing once more. It sucks. I keep attracting the weirdest guys-not for me. I don't know what I was thinking. I know what I was thinking. I want TO DATE. I want to go for walks and hold someone's hand. I want to meet someone for coffee. I want to go to an occasional movie. I want to learn about someone else through conversation and listening. I want to bring someone to a ceilidh to dance with me. I want to play raquetball or go kayaking. I want to go listen to a poet or an author in February. And I want to do these things with a male-friend...I am not in themarriage game. or even the sex game...I have learned how to deal with that (although once a month it is difficult-that's an awful lot of energy rooting through my body)...it's my blog so I can talk about this. Some people took that God-given Hildegardian greening energy and created 10 children. Me--not so. I have my ways. So this online dating thing hasn't worked out so well....it's a bit like the timing of finding a new dog. Baby first and ONE baby at a time. One of the many things that I learned from this time with Neil was what my dealbreakers are and that's that. I'm upfront about this part, and so far it hasn't been an issue. It just makes me wonder about all the wounds folks my age are carrying around. I don't get boys. Sex is on their top three. It's in at number 8 for me. This boy-thing--I have some work to do, esp. if I get to parent one or more. That was made evident to me by my brothers and father on Saturday. I get it now, but it's not ingrained yet. Sigh. I have been enabling the wimp factor at school, too, and it makes me sick to myself.
So, to finish this up, I DID look for magic this weekend and I found it. Magic isn't some foofy stupid storybook thing to me. It's an energy of satisfaction, right alignment, a-ha, fulfillment, abundance, and I am glad to be here embracing this...so, I found it in the exhuberant leaves, in the mist and wind, in going to the first nieces/nephews' soccer games EVER, in supporting one of my 3/4 team members who had a meltdown this week, in going to the adopting meeting with an "act as if" happy/hopeful attitude ( and it helped but it didn't make it so), watching a couple of fun flicks (Over the Hedge and Hitch), dancing with my sisters and Rowan, and getting a bunch of the adoption paperwok in. Also, I have an idea for my "book". I'm going to chew on it and see if anyone has come up with anything yet. And I found my Charlie Brown Christmas music... I'm going to bed now to sleep.

4 Comments:

  • At 10:01 PM, Anonymous Col said…

    To say you had a full weekend would be an understatement! I am both envious and not of your experiences this weekend, and my own experiences have reaped almost identical feelings all the way over here in eastern Georgia. Something's in the air...
    love you and happy Samhain!

     
  • At 5:24 PM, Blogger Maude said…

    I never know what to say when I read your blog. All I know is this 2 wants to fix everything. What can I do? XOXO and I missed you Saturday. Are you up for trying another game? Maude

     
  • At 6:04 PM, Blogger The Freewaydiva said…

    Y'know...I read your stuff and I become unconvinced that I'm a 4, too. Am I really that repressed?

     
  • At 9:26 PM, Anonymous e- said…

    Thanks, Dear Ones. There is nothing to "fix"...this, too, shall pass and shall be better or worse or stay the same..but I will probably feel differently about it when the time comes. Samhain is here and yes, I plan to try another game. Much love to all, E-

     

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