Okay, so Maude gave me this book years ago when my world was falling apart the first time. I didn't know which way was up. I didn't know there WAS a way. I only knew that I needed what was "home" to me--parents, job at St. Anne's, family, Queen Anne, rain, rain, rain, and people at the Safeway who didn't ask for id when I wanted to write a check. I wanted others to SEE ME because I couldn't see myself. It took years of therapy, another failed marriage, a whole lot of prayer, Taurus-tenacity, dogs, family of choice and of origin, and the sanctifying love of my Lord and the Mother to bring me to where I am now( oh, I almost forgot-popcorn, coffee, chilled chard, and cheetos...and Christmas music... helped too)...which is back to this book and Maude. My thoughts, in particular, are full of love for her this morning because of who she is in my life, in the lives of her husband and boys, in the lives of her friends, community, work, and else...she gave me this book called Simple Abundance ten years ago. I still have the card. It was a simple, clear, gentle act of saying "Hey, we love you. You are held. You are NOT forgotten. You belong to us. We SEE you." Because of this and simple abundances like this- moment to moment, breath to breath, step by step-seeing, feeling it all, screaming at the futility, raging at the hole or prison around you that you have built yourself and not knowing it,adn being too exhausted to do anything else but slump back down and say,"I don't like it here anymore"or"Pass the cheetos" or "Help, somebody hand me a ladder or more cheetos" or "Oh, look, I have key right here over my Heart and the hammer in my own Hand." Holy SHIT!! Time to build my own steps out--or tunnel out another way. All this started today because I opened this book from Maude to a page that I have never read before..and I know what I have read. It says for October 18th: "Today might be tough for you. You might not want the next moment to show itself, to reveal the twists and turns of life's mystery. But at least you have it. You still have life. A choice as to how to live this precious day..."
Me, personally, I'm not in this space of need, loss, or despair at this moment..and most of time not there. I see myslef just fine--a few wrinkles, agespots, a great smile, intense twinkling green eyes that make 4th graders come up to me at school and say"Ms. R. what are you thinking about NOW?"" and I am thinking "Wouldn't you just like to know?!?!" I am learning how to make my own wishes come true, adn itis just a matter of choosing which ones to set next to the pumpkin because I am the fairy godmother holding the wand. And it's a damn fine wand.
Case in point: Someone at my nutrition class told me to make wishes in the following 17 hours. SO I did it-one intentionally and two just in the moment. Here's what happened-I wished that all of my Family of Choice would move home. Last night I got the call-they are all coming back home to Seattle to live. Boink! Okay-then last night at dance out of the corner of my eye I saw one of the PNA staffers walk by with a lovely bouquet of flowers. I whined to myself a bit--why doesn't anyone bring me flowers and then I thought-Oh after dance, I'll go get a small sweet bouquet for the house on the way home (in the past was a lovely habit that Neil had of keeping the Fair Isle cottage sweet with vases of fresh flowers--I haven't cultivated that habit yet). Two seconds later, the Petersons are at the door of class with a huge bouquet of fall flowers for me---seems I had forgotten that I had done some consulting work for her and set up the deal that when it rained, to please surprise me with fresh flowers on a dark, dreary night. BOINK! There are five vases of fresh flowers in this little home now! Wish three: I have a hole in my performance dance shoes and I like the old-fashioned unergonomic ones exactly in my size. I whined on the spot to myself because buying shoes is right up there with buying bras for me-EIUYUCK. Anywho- at the break, Jenny handed two pairs of these old-fashioned shoes that she wants to pass on and guess what! The shoes are my size and already broken in . BOINK!! So, I thanked the Universe and the Mother of all Fairy Godmothers, and then I put in the BIG WISH. You all know what that is. I will keep you posted.
And one last word for the tall, beautiful, courageous women that call themselves my sisters-of origin and of choice--when you notice how others are perceiving you...remember that you didn't give a rat's ass when you were three---and now the only difference is that you can drive, have sex, read, and eat cheetos...YOU HOLD THE WAND AND THE MIRROR! BOINKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!