Mississippi Moments

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Soft Rain, Sunday Morning
Still waking up. We slept in this morning. Well, Cedar was up at the usual o'dark thirty but he snuggled back in when I wouldn't do the usual grunt "Thank you, God, for this amazing day", stretch, and then get the coffee going. The grunt, prayer, coffee, and stretch came a little while later. Time to catch up on what's been happening, what learning is skipping our way, what lessons are skipping right on by and which ones are sticking.
First off: My dog is a freak. Plain and simple. A "re-re" as Auntie Colleen calls him. I love him as is and because he is! And yesterday was his first day in a festival foray zone. I took him over to Port Gamble to support the Rowanfae Irish dancers in their performance in the Kitsap Arts and Crafts Fair. He did great. We have been training the past two weeks. He was calm, attentive, very well- behaved...and then he saw IT! An Airedale! One of his "kind"! He started whining, pulling, pawing at the air, airsnaps (Airedale lingo for Hey Dude! Wanna play!)and that sideways jump he does so well. Over came the Airedale and his mom. I didn't know them. Rose and Ruffian. We started talking and I explained that he goes to daycare at Camp Alice and hangs out with Airedales. Second sentence-I said his name was Cedar. The lady laughed and said"Oh, THIS is Cedar! We know about him!" Auntie Lydia!" That was all it took. Turns out this is Ruffian and Rose. Ruffian is Kimmie's brother. Kimmie is often at Camp Alice. Cedar gets in trouble because he tries to steal Kimmmie's food and attempts to climb out of the Omega, bottom-feeder position on the canine totem pole. They had a good time in the middle of the street doing "The Airedale Dance". My Sheltie who is not a sheltie and who has a reputation." That's my boy!
The Rowanfae dancers did a beautiful job. They added a choreography this year with druids and animals. We were just coming up the hill and I wished I had been closer but it won't be the only time. Miss Jenny also added a showcase where she had the beginner dancers present the basics of Irish dancing. Then she had more experienced dancers demonstrate how these movements are reflected in the dancing. She ends the Port Gamble show with a maypole dance for the audience. It is a special and festive time that supports local artists and the arts. She herself is a recipient of one of this festival's scholarships. She is an extraordinarily talented, creative designer. I have always said she paints with dancers and music. This is true. She also does this through the costumes she creates. There is nothing like it anywhere but here and through her. THAT is living and breathing your gift! It was also good to see and visit a bit with her folks and others in the Rowanfae community. I usually go camping after this show every summer, but not this time. Other is good, too.

Erin's update:
MLT Irish Dance Camp--so I went back to work for the first time in weeks. Not full time but full energy needed and prep, too. A daily dance/art camp out at the MLT rec center. I had a ball! It took most of my energy for each day--three hours, but it was worth it. Six dancers. We danced for an hour and a half each day, shared Celtic stories, poetry, and blessings. Then we completed a special art activity each day. My favorite was the watercolors of nature with a leprechaun hidden in the picture with an accompanying blessing written by the artist. My favorite (which brought me to tears) wished a blessing of birdsong to love a person through life. They also made a splendid poster for the MLT Tour de Terrace Parade. I hadn't known(honestly it hadn't registered that this was important...it was to the kids and their families). Sara called me from the parade on Friday night--ALL of the dancers were in it, wearing green t-shirts, and the ONLY ONES DANCING! Now, that is succulent! And here's why on another level.....

Dreams-been having standard three kinds. One of them includes what I've been calling the "Has Been" Dream- Has-been teacher, Has-been dancer, Has-been/never-been parent. I wake up with a pit in my stomach and layers of grief sloughing off. It's cosmic dandruff. Anyway, so I literally CHALLENGED the Universe last week. I stood in prayer with my hands on my hips and said-"FINE! IF this is changing, and it is. I trust that I will be nourished with new-to-me, DIFFERENT forms of these "roles" that define me. But they no longer serve me in these forms. I am ME. I want clear, NOW, examples of how the new forms of these NOURISH ME NOW!...BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR----the UNIVERSE AND OUR LOVING PARENT WILL DELUGE YOU! I am standing in the "Shower of YES!"
A few examples to enlighten and enliven your present and mine and a record for me for later when I forget this--which I always do until I come back and read later---
*Teaching-Harp Camp--I did. I was given direct, multiple feedback from beginner harpers about my compassionate, gentle, humorous, and effective style of instruction. I am also working with some students this summer at my home and I am having a ball working with them. And it is strengthening their skills and mine as well. Win-win. I am teaching dance for Tara one lesson a week. With my sister and niece and nephew. And I love it. And it is enough. And the students are learning. As if this should be a surprise.And I am learning new ways to enable success in them and me. And the dance teacher opportunities are coming fast and furious from Tara/Seattle, Duvall, Monroe, and MLT. I wanted to see if I could create an alternative career with dancing/teaching as one of the three prongs, the others being writing and substitute/job-share/consulting as the others. These impulses and intentions are manifesting faster than Squishy hauling feather-butt down the stairs to get outside first thing in the morning!
Dancing-We are working hard in our weekly class with the Sistahs and with Tara alum. We work, laugh, work more, laugh more. And then I practice. And then I hurt. And I laugh. And I move. And I rest and heal. And I do it some more. And when it hurts too much, I don't. And when I was agonizing a little (as 4's do sometimes because we are so special)about not being able to perform in the same way as the past, I received an invitation to call a family ceilidh NEXT MARCH for the city of Duvall with a splendid traditional group called Crumac. And get paid more than an abundant fee for my talent. And then I looked up the group, and it is the former members of Suffering Gaels and another vintage band from the Seattle scene. These are the guys I have been dancing with since I was 9! I love it! It will be fun and dinner gets thrown in. I told them my fee was gas and dinner--anything else was for Mercy Corps. And then the offer came back. Ooh-la-la.
Parenting-It's already happening. all over. all around me. I'm not taking over anyone's "mom-job"--but I have finally laid down the box about what parenting looks and feels like---there is truly no limit to what I am doing this summer and what I have been doing my entire life this time 'round. The ripples are everywhere. It IS a village, a global one. And it matters. As I empty the boxes of memorabilia and all the photos and letters, cards, notes, scrapbooks, homemade art from children around the country, newspaper articles...it freed me up to SEE. REALLY SEE. I also gave away or stewarded everything that I had gathered for the adoption.

Which brings me to the next brand of "Dreams"-this one has been several nights running, same theme, different setting. I am walking. alone. with Cedar. on a path, over bridges, through meadows, into forests, over mountains, near oceans, past small villages. We stay in campgrounds and B&B's where we meet with loved ones--from family of Choice and Family of Origin. Interesting to note---my backpack is TOO HEAVY. I keep laying it down and trying to walk on without it and go a ways and then go back and get it. I have looked in there at some of the stuff I am hauling around. It is literally all the stuff that I am getting into this summer...and getting rid of. Ohh-la-LA! Don't need it anymore. Didn't really need it in the first place. Oh, to be a four. But this is normal---like the song--everyone has a little junk in the trunk---mine just happens to fill a basement and a garage and a classroom. And I notice that neither Cedar nor I have a leash or any kind of fetter. And we are goofy-happy on our journey. I have never not had a map and a destination and RESERVATIONS with a back-up phone number. There is no map, no destination, no reservation, no phone---just happy going, happy being, happy stopping and then not stopping-----I hope to continue unpacking the backpack in this Dream over then next few weeks. We shall see. Are you unpacking anything?
The Dream from last night was different--first time that I actually fought in my dream and protected myself. This is different from when I attacked and in a rage "hurt" Neil. Ooh, it hurts my gut to think about the poison of that energy. That rage. I ask my Lord to take that and continue to forgive it and change it to good and healing for the world as He only can do. And so it is. This Dream last night was different. My community had sold one of my younger sisters to a man for marriage. This man only wanted to marry her because he wanted access to the family's secret resources on a mountain that was ours by right and tradition. He was evil. He wanted to rape, use, and plunder that mountain. I was not given to him because I was older-about 18 years old-and I already had a role teaching the younger children in the village. The family valued my work with the children. It was almost shamanic, my teaching role there. I asserted my right to marry as the oldest daughter---not because I wanted to with this evil man, but to protect my younger sister and my family's resources because I knew that Could. And I married this evil man. And sure enough, he came to get the secret. And I fought him. Just enough to stop his evil. his intent. And it worked. And he tried again. And I stopped him again. I stopped him enough for him to stop trying. And I remained married to him but knew I could walk away at any time. We shall see. I gotta think about this one. My Dreams are windows to my Soul.

I know Astrid Pujari suggested strongly (actually she said several times--STOP THE ENERGY WORK! STOP It! DON'T DO IT.) I have been making a concerted effort to do this. It is a habit just like learning not to make yourself throw up when stressed out or learning when enough exercise is enough exercise or learning how to be a good, responsive friend, or how not to call yourself names like "BIG FAT FAILURE" when you can't be successful in an online doctoral program because you are a people-smart learner and not so much a self-smart learner. I am pretty harsh on myself. Failure. Fraud. Loser. Drama-Queen. Back-Stabber. Crappy Christian. Not quite Valedictorian. Erratic, Undependable Soccer Player. Untrusting of Self Leader. Selfish Woman. Fat. Fat. Scaredy-Scaredy. I would never allow it on someone else but I have been doing it to myself for years. I have also been uncovering all the names and crap that I have been dishing on myself has I look through these tubs of stuff from my life. OH MY GOODNESS___FLASH! THis is what is in the BACKPACK!!! Need more coffee-------be right back..............Here, my Darling Abba---let's unpack all this at the foot of the Cross. By the River of Life. I pray to see myself with the same eyes of love with which You See me and to call myself Beloved Child of Your'n. Amen. And so it is.

This is working. This creation of work, rest, dream, intention, healing to undo the energetic, physical, mental, etc. "soil" in which the cancer grew. Time to clean it up and amend it so OTHER will grow. And OTHER already is.

Adoption News:
There is some. It took courage for me to make contact and inform my adoption consultant about the cancer. I also had some other questions. The moratorium between Viet Nam and the U.S. is underway. There are only a few more referrals coming out of Viet Nam and these are special needs cases before Sept. 1st, 2008. The official word from teh Viet Nam program is that one has to be cancer-free for 3 years. Same with Ethiopia. Other programs like Russia-one canhave NO history of cancer at all, ever. So speaking with my consultant, she said that Viet Nam would likely accept a one year cancer-free with my situation. It is a case by case basis. Also, I have gone from 396 in line to 196 in line to 84! Yes, 84. And by placing myself on hold which I have to do anyway, I will not lose my place in line. Also, the time of the moratorium when there are virtually no referrals coming out of there anyway counts. Also, this agency failed its Hague accreditation so they are in a state of realigning anyway. Are you seeing what I am seeing---it is all in GOD'S PERFECT TIMING. But, wait, there is more. Even though the official word is that no singles are being accepted for the Ethiopia program, they are allowing it for people in the agency because of the situation. I have the name of the facilitator of this program to talk with. My consultant brought it up and started talking to me about being in both programs at the same time. Yes, I would have to come up with another set of fees (Ethiopia is around $28,000). I got this HUGE SURGE of energy. Yes, there would be a year wait with either country if I should get a referral from both at the same time----folks, this was the first time someone in the know was talking to me "AS IF" not "MAYBE IF" or "WHAT IF" BUT AS IF!!!! I am not jumping ahead of myself. And that is exactly what my dreams have been telling me for years---a girl from Asia and a boy from African heritage.I just didn't know the specifics. I still don't know. And I don't have an attachment. I was in the ferry line on the way home frmo harp camp, and I thought I could leave this earth, right now, in this moment, and be completely content with my life this time through. No regrets. None. The rest of this is catsup on the tots. And there have been a ton of tots.

On to Friends et al: I am reconnecting with Friends and Beloveds, one or two a week. I miss everyone. I have been working around this sweet cottage with my sister, Brigie, with projects that are loving on this place. It takes its toll. I am making contact and doing what I can with Intention, Love, and Care. I am not ignoring anyone. I am healing. I made it to French class for half of it this last week and I actually did alright. :) I love French. I love how it broadens my little world.

I am taking longer walks with my dog in the morning and evening. It is quiet. I am up to a slow 30 minutes. And ball in the backyard.

And thinking on how I am going to pay for all of these medical bills. And learning how not to hate kale. And seeing the clear, strong, healing plant energy moving in my body when I take and chew a bite of some made with love, grown locally, and then remembering to note that "seeing" and paying attention to the ordinary reality--that it is slimy, green, and slimy. Like eels. Which I have never eaten anyway. I prefer tots. Fritos. Popcorn. Tortellini. Brenin's sesame noodle salad. And white zin or Mike's Hard Lime.

And there are more scans coming up in the next two weeks. I am not eager over this. And I am. And I am nervous. And scared. And I am going to gird my loins with Harry Potter 5 and 6 on CD and Maude said she would come and be with me when we meet with the team after all the scans are complete.

Went out looking for a dress this week. It made me cry. Working on it. It's not about the dress at all. It's about all the changes that have happened in my body, to my body, over life and time. I'll unpack this from that backpack, too, and then it will be fun...right now, it felt the same way as going down to Cancer Care alliance except I didn't have to pay for parking at Northgate. I know I am a silly girl.
Time to go to Pine Lake and just sit and look at the water. Then maybe get in it or on it. I seem to be the most at peace when I am near water these days.


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