Actually woke up rested this morning. Then I went to look where my dog was sleeping. And it hit. again. And I wonder when is this bad dream of a life going to end and when do I get to wake up without tears?

Took my coffee outside and sat in the sun and listened to the birds, put my barefeet on the ground, looked at all the growing things, and wondered what to do. Since I don't know, I got more coffee. And I sat some more. Next maybe I'll do dishes and work on more schoolstuff and in the garden. I feel like a zombie. As long as I keep moving, then it all doesn't hurt so much. I don't know and I don't really even care. I look fine on the outside.

And I am so damn sick and tired of explaining to others. So I'm just not. I'm fine. That's it. fine.