Bringing Cedar home from hospital today. We are going to have some quality time at home before we do what will need to be done. Thankful for my Sisters-Star, Of Origin, Of Choice and Those with Beards-for wrapping me by phone, by presence, by prayer so I can't scream, twirl, flail, die over and over again. Being held has its peace. The shock of all this and other shit is overwhelming. That's not going to be the reality when Little Man comes home today. I can see to that. I can be the Peace and Quiet and Love...been there before. Everything around us just swirling and doing its thing while we snuggle together in Heaven here or ambling down the block. Been here before. This is how I KNOW Heaven...not know about. In this space of pain, shock, anticipatory loss, chaos, doubt, shit, shit, shit---there is the REAL SPACE-the space of Grace. We-my Little Man and me--are resting in it-he's resting--I'm having meltdown after meltdown-but it is Here. And we are in It. We are It.

I can't back this one up to the base of the cross yet...but that's not because the cross isn't there. I prefer the wrap. The hold.

I read this last night "Your tears are your prayers."