Cedar has perked up some. We had a slowish walk (Fiona Jr.)and he was smiling. Then we sat together. I brought a t-shirt that smelled of me. He rested his head on it. I massaged him and his breathing settled. He is eating some. He is showing interest in things that are going on around him (so say the techs). His values only improved 25% not enough for the minor miracle we were hoping for, but the vets do not think that he is in any discomfort. They know I am in heart-sick grief pain because the end is inevitable and sooner rather than later. They didn't want to hear that I don't consider this good quality of life compared to how he is usually--running, playing, jumping, barking. They told me that it is painful because I know the change and that he doesn't. I don't know that I agree with them but he was happy to see me and oh, I was so happy to be with him. He is staying over night to see if we can lower the values even more. It was quality of life, Our Life-to walk together and to just be. Then I will bring him home tomorrow hopefully for a little bit more time of just being together. He will require a regimen to hold things at a plateau. I honestly don't know what I think about any of this. I went there today prepared to put him down. Or to prepare myself for it tomorrow. It may still happen. It may not.

I don't know what to do. I can't hold it together anymore. I don't have reason to. Not that is here, now, tangible, real. The things I care about most and close are being ripped from me, shredded, in unforeseen bits and chunks. And I am trapped. All around. I know there is a support network and a whole lot of Love but I just want all of this pain to stop. And to do the right thing by my dog and me.