Mississippi Moments

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

I am not a whiner. A thinker, yes. A mullerer, yes. A lover of mullets, yes. A monkey-mind on crackhead sometimes, yes. But not a whiner. And when the inclination comes, I take my 15 minutes of crabby-time like SARK says, and then it is someone else's turn.

I have posted all 73 photos on facebook. WIth captions. Took a very long time. I may or may not get to putting them here. I need to spend less time on the computer and more time throwing stuff out and getting my hands dirty.

I can't explain it. There is something about going to Jonestown that "works" for me. Inside and outside. I am trying very hard to figure out what because I want that for Here and Now. The Work: hard, meaningful, uses my skills, is collaborative, flexible, simple, challenging, brought to my plate by God, making a difference,
The Folks: same as me and different than me--I'm out of my element. It is uncomfortable, a stretch, culturally challenging because of who I am and my roots, deep, expressive faith all over and through here, family matters, village matters, big problems that may or may notbe fixed or improved but it is the "one starfish being thrown back" thing in action. There are more starfish being impacted than just one and the throwers are being impacted, too. IN good ways.
The Schedule and Rhythmn: Long, full,sweaty, fun, uses my energy, all this energy that gets me in trouble up here, uses my mind energy so I don't think so much when I am quiet, prayer comes more naturally, like Breath.
Where I Get to Live: I am invited to live at SNJM house. I can walk to work. It is clean, simple, community, safe, with laughter, discussion, stories, a local newspaper that has at least 4 misspellings in it daily. I want that simple abundance here too. Not all this stuff. Don't need it.
Commute: Open spaces, 45 minute drives on 2-lane roads, not sitting in traffic jams, fields, sunflowers, bayous, trees, pecan orchards, all types of homes (not McMansions like here). Tragic, hard history from one perspective, remnants around certainly. Just like the fields and the people chopping cotton (still) and the stories of those who did.
4-Land: Not going to create an alternate reality this time. I am dealing (as best as I can) with coming home to the things here-Cedar gone, job crap, job hunting crap, lots of love around me, getting real with things. Got put off last night with thenews that the doctor from Antarctica died from cancer. Brought up other memories of friends with cancer who were clear and then who got sick again and then died. What kind of thoughts are these? Crappy ones. Not ones for me. They certainly didn't think that way all of the time. They lived their lives. I just don't know what I am to do or where to do it these days. Feeling trapped is not good for me. And that's what I feel. I can TASTE what it will be like when I parent. I was doing it in Jonestown! I didn't even flinch when a little one exploded with cucumber and milk all over me.I amy flinch when this happens over and over. So what... Names are coming in my dreams-Joshua, Micah, Keeshawn, Joel, Elijah--oh my. I am not posturing when I am job-hunting. I am opening myself up to change. TO a new community. I have had the wind knocked out of my teaching sails on a core level. It won't stay there. Once I am back doing it, "all-y'all 'il be awright." I have filled out my perfect job "list" and put it on the prayershelf. I have made contacts to have a puppy choose me. I continue to walk, work out, and keep the coffee to a minimum--even though stress is having a day on my body in other ways....I have support everywhere.
I am happy for those who are giving birth this week. Me, I just want to stare at the mountains, pull grass, and enjoy quiet cups of tea. I just want to be still. But it is so hard to be patient.


Post a Comment

<< Home