Mississippi Moments

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

Lord of the Springtime, Father of flower, field, & fruit,
smile on us in these earnest days when the work is heavy and the toil wearisome;
lift up our hearts, O God, to the things worthwhile-sunshine,
the dripping rain, birdsong, books & music, & the voices of friends.-W.E.B.DuBois

It's been a little wacky on this spinning bird feeder-thing I call being back in the schedule of this chosen life. Had a "come to Jesus" moment and meeting yesterday. So, it appears I am receiving the next big lesson opportunity on my list...ever grapple with this one, the one in which you are "drowning" in your work, home, other work, other work than that, care for all family members so that you sort of neglect yourself, wanting to read something, anything, but don't have the energy to open the book, forgetful of when you last took a shower, organic p'sgettios are high cuisine? I am making the what would seem to be obvious choice of not grappling anymore. Don't want to dance the 8o millionth figure of this endless,less than worthwhile dance for uno. Standing knee deep in snow under a stand of spruce sisters listening for something playing in the water and holding a cup of tea while keeping my dog redirected from playing in that water---plugging in to what was really important and carrying it home here to my life in the city, sending it to Beloveds with the Peace, Hope, and Love that are the only REAL things to me.

Got a visit yesterday from admin. It has been noticed that I am working too hard. Story of my life. And not working smart (my words). Was given Cosmic permission yesterday (and administrative) to relax, regroup, and rejoice. Needed that reminder--greatly. I don't know how (YET) to give it to myself and when I don't, I end up with migraines or other. I'll start with forgiving myself for needing yet another opportunity to learn this lesson that I have been given to learn since (I remember this exact same conversation the first time when I was in 7th grade at this very school from a teacher who had tuned in to me and my focused habits--and I have had this very same conversation at every place of work except Mississippi). Bottom line--we are all moving, growing, learning. And the piles of work to be gotten to (it's early and I can write with Bad English if I want to), the fact that I never show up to eat lunch with the other faculty, and when someone comes looking for me, I am always working with students during lunch--someone noticed. It has also been noticed that I look like shit (my words, not theirs)---exhausted. I didn't notice. But it corresponds to the newest facet of this earthly shell--hot flashes and sweats, 4-5 a night, that wake me up and keep me up. And changing of clothes, and all that good stuff. I am NOT complaining. It is just another thing to dance with. This body is doing what it does. Some of it is not comfortable. It is what it is. I have choices there, too.

So I have begun the relax, regroup, and rejoice part of this lesson. In some very specific ways. I found my purse (missing for some time now). I have a healthy, happy, taken care of dog. I found a section of my kitchen table. I returned to the music that feeds my soul. I took a shower. Worked out. Made coffee. Walked the pup. Returned a few borrowed books. Sent a note to a friend that needed one. Prayed. (Actually all of this is.) Wrote on my blog. I don't want to be sick. Crazy. Overworked. Time to change the old 8-track from "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" to "Winter Into Spring".


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