Maybe there's a road that's not this hard....a lovely song by Katrine Polward sent to me by a fairy god-woman. Talks a lot about losing it, finding it, living without it, judging it, judging yourself because of it, being judged by others because of it, and realizing that...you R the "it"...And you can make it your choice or not. It is up to you.

It is on replay at my house. And in my car. And on my ipod.

I've shared this thought before. It is not my thought, and it says what I want said. And lived. From Gunilla Norris:
" A weeded garden is a restful sight.
But, unweeded, it can be dynamic.
See how plants fight for their patch in the sun.
The strong ones survive and not always the handsome.
Perhaps they are the essential plants no one has found the right use for as yet.

Can you trust that out of chaos comes the new?
Order and beauty have fooled many."

I'm not being fooled anymore. I don't believe in order any more or sense either. I do believe in Beauty.

I still am chewing and thinking on the movie and discussion about Archbishop Romero that was from our Peace and Community Group last Sunday. Sleep would be good. The drugs helped yesterday. I am a very sensitive person and have to be very careful with my filters. I have been looking for Hope. I have been listening for Hope. I have been asking for Hope. At Curves this morning, I found it. Barbara is a cellist (sp?) and an international Suzuki teacher. She lived and worked in El Salvador in the 70's and left in late 77 or 78 when she says things got bad. She goes back now every year to bring musical instruments and to give lessons to teachers and students. She spoke this morning about the resilience of the people, of the changes in the situation, of the commitment in the families there to bring education to their children and the basics. She spoke of a friend of hers, a Benedictine priest, who was literally hit on the head (by his friends) to knock him out and he woke up in Guatemala with a one-way ticket back stateside. He had refused to go. The death squads were murdering and torturing priests. He still refused to go. His "crimes"---running the only lending library for poor people in the country and holding literacy classes in the church at night for field workers. He lives in Wisconsin now and still returns to El Salvador with books every year. Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. There are people among us who are living the Grace and Love of Fr. Romero. There. Here. The stories and real-world examples are all over the place. Quietly. Not in the news or on twitter. Not in Order. But this tangled beauty is growing in the most unlikely places. These are the tools I need to disarm this Heart of mine. The rest is up to the Gardener.