Mississippi Moments

Saturday, May 19, 2007

I am plum worn out.
Three hour nap worn out.
And it's raining again. It was this morning when Squishy and I walked down to the video store to return Cinderella III. Interesting plot-almost redeeming if Disney could offer something of that ilk. This coming from a woman who used to spend her weekends in the winter at Disneyland and who dragged a naval flight officer back into line to watch and rewatch the Beauty and the Beast stageshow many times there. That man loved me. Actions roar.
I'm into roaring at the moment.
Just finished a book that roars on so many levels. Eating Heaven by Jennie Shortridge. Some of it was hard to swallow. The eating disorder stuff. Really close to home. "Past" home in action but not feelings and challenges.
Went back to therapy this morning. Right on track. Check-ins are important so I can continue to grow the skills and perspective for this Life-Dance. Have a few things on my plate at the moment.
Had another Dream last night...after thinking about it on the morning saunter, it made perfect sense. It works for me when the inner world and the outer world are congruent.
I'm looking into financing options to go back to school, maybe full time. I need to study and pass the math section on the GRE. Will start that when I am in MIssissippi. Need to get on the lesson plans for that thing---Scarlett moment-I'll think about that tomorrow.
Going to the Medieval Women's Concert tonight with Hildegarde's music. Been waiting a year for that.
This afternoon, I cleared the section of the backyard garden that is my "harp corner" next to the laceleaf and the rubus shrub under which Fiona used to lay (and Sadie when she could get any downtime there). The rubus on my side of the fence is dead. Uprooted in the December windstorm. I started cutting it out today and clearing. I planted some carnations from France. Squishy was "helping" and interfering a lot..which I find delightful. He is such a stinky boy-dog. I replayed in my mind that great song by Sugarland-"Settling"....all about not. I am holding some fair bit of fear right now--- what will come down the pike this June 12-14 to kiss ass on my heart and soul...I am hoping nothing. 2004-Neil gone. Still having trouble in quiet ways with that one. 2005-Sadie gets sick and it's time for her to go. 2006- Fiona, Darling Battleaxe- it's time and she goes. 2007-who's going this year? Genevieve was enough. Whom that I love is going to go this year? I wish I could have some hope and energy but I just don't, can't. It's not depressing, it's just a what-is. I wish I wasn't nauseous all the time now..and it ain't the flu. And I'm not pregnant.I am just afraid. I think the Fear Dance is crap. That's why teaching dance with my sisters and doing yardwork and spending time with Little Man are so important. They reconnect me to what is REAL. Time for another walk in the rain. That's real, too.


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