Mississippi Moments

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Just woke up. After a fitful night's sleep. Cedar came and snuggled around 4:30 am when it was time to get up and I couldn't. He's busy with a chewie and I'm working on my first cup of coffee.
There was hot water this morning (haven't had a chance to get the water heater fixed yet) so I have a bath drawing. Some things are coming along to give me chances to practice #4--being open to outcome not attached.
*I am still going to teach dance this year--with an open heart, with professionalism, and more than a little joy thrown in. I made a commitment. Cedar gets to go to dogcare because of this good work. I get smiles from good people and the chance to improve my own technique. I see my sister/s. And their children. There will be changes at the right time.
*Yesterday, my new-to-me adoption consultant (yes, another one) emailed and offered me a chance to switch to the Ethiopia program which, according to their last email letter, was "all sunshine"--meaning things were open and flowing for adoptions and that they were making special openings for families from the stalled Viet Nam program. I thought to myself---Here we go! Open heart, open to outcome.....The Program Director had reviewed my application and homestudy and voila! So, I emailed back that yes, that sounded great. An infant is not possible anymore with my age but a child of 4 or up is...and to make sure, I emailed back that I was checking that they had in fact looked at the details of my recent health history because Ethiopia has very strict rules about past health history and my situation was still alright within those parameters. I emailed with my new, clear voice that I appreciated knowing that my information was being carefully communicated between my new and past adoption consultants because this process was painful having to re-explain everytime and all the other emails were about unknowables and roadblocks. The next emails that came back were--NO, they hadn't had any of that explained to them. NO, I was no longer a candidate for the Ethiopia. There was no record of my having conversations AT ALL with the other consultants and program directors.
For now, I could fill out some more paperwork, free of charge, of course. And they were sending me the attachment. Oh and take care.

I have another important decision to make--probably today. My heart is breaking. Shattered more likely. I don't understand ANY OF ANYTHING. And that's on the "outside" of this new wineskin. Deep inside, there is Peace. An 'All is well' kind of vibe. Balance. Rootedness. And Smiles that mean something. It's just in there somewhere.

Running away isn't an option and it won't solve anything.
Neither will selling the house and moving.
I can't seem to Breathe. And I will...mindfully practice.
And please don't call me and tell me this is God's will. It's Someone's and it ain't Mine. No matter what I say, I am still holding out that I will have a family of my own someday, someway.
Time for a bath. And a walk. And a love on my dog. And some camping coffee. And some clean underwear and socks. I have 4 left.
Adoption agencies suck. People don't realize how much they hurt us.


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