Everybody gets down sometimes...and you don't what you want. And what you don't want. And then it seems you do. Know. what you want and don't want. And you can't seem to get well. Again. And you have another damn UTI. And a cold with a chest craptastic cough thing. And you had your period early again. With the full compliment of those lovely cramps, aches, moodswings. You might not believe this---but I am supremely thankful that these things are here. I "GET" that I am not taking the best care of myself as I try to reenter my previous life activities in the same ways as before. I also am thankful that I can't find the lump in my armpit that was there on Wed. and neither could my massage therapist who has been working on my body since 12 years ago. And she is a cancer thriver. Several times over. And I am learning about the role of fear in my life, fear of cancer recurrence. I am resting a bit easier today knowing that 70% or more of "survivors" have issues with this. I am not looking for more issues but I am struggling with ALOT of things on the inside that no one can see. I am not fine. I never will be again. Like I was "fine" before all this happened.....well, I wasn't. AND I am MORE "FINE" than I have ever have been. I am just different. And I don't mean that it in a crazy, "4-egocentric-I-need-to-be-special-to-be-loved-and-have-power-and-a-voice-and-to-be-enough". It isn't that at all. Things are more clear than ever. And they aren't. And the things that you trusted turn how to be illusions. And the world seems to be spinning crazier than ever. And you lose interest in the things that have defined you. Forever it seems. And those things don't define you anymore. Not even remotely. So what do you do? When this happens---again?
What you know.
Bath. Fire. Candles. Music. Coffee. Another bath. Rest. A walk in the dark with your dog. And coffee. And your headlamp and gloves and scarf and winter jacket which has seen 12 winters and is falling apart. But still works. Laundry. Some pruning. Cleaning out under things. You rejoice at the five pairs of clean underwear that present themselves as you put away laundry from the drying racks which work well and the load of laundry that you forgot about that was in the new dryer you still thank your family for every time you go down in the basement and see it there. (Do you know that this year if I get lice, I will be ready as I plan to USE that dryer. and to shave my head.) And there is more rejoicing still as you find a Care Place that opens at 10 on a Sunday. And you found a pair of clean black socks, clean matched brown socks, and a clean bra so you are set for the week--at least in the underwear and bra dept. (If you are a guy reading this, substitute your favorite undergarment or balls-cup or whatever it is you people of the male persuasion consider important, essential, and needing to be clean in order to get by for a week.) I forgot about soup. Pho. Veggie. Potato. Navy bean. Tomato. Tortellini. You name it. It works, too. I just started reheating some of what was in the freezer to see what we get and to have the smells surround the woodsmoke smell and the pumpkin candle scents in this house.

I have discovered some important things in the past five or six days that I have really known for some time but which are now out on the plate. I won't make any abrupt changes but the changes will happen. I have already decided about my present job and begun the steps for that transition. And going outside my box to do something I have wanted to do for awhile. I went to a Equinox Celebration of the Divine in All with Lisa McL. It was a special celebration. With fire and music and prayer(things I love). It was just perfect. I am getting used to this kind of response to my Heart-Prayers and Intentions.
And other parts of me are grieving, reeling with unbelief and fear and distress. How do we go on with all of this? I want to BE HERE NOW. And I got what I wanted. Now, like the words of wisdom last night, how do we strengthen our inner life, inner light, inner quiet so we can be in this side of things and reach out to share the Divine Breath and Healing? I'm going to go find more clean underwear and have a bowl of soup for breakfast and think about it.