Mississippi Moments

Thursday, September 18, 2008

So I just want to "steal" the second paragraph of the quote Coli put in her latest blog from the Fountainhead and out it at the beginning of this one. I have never read that(I was at HNA in the dinosaur days and they were making us read Jane Austen and Joseph Conrad...and Oscar Wilde. I will get it on audio books from the library. I need something new to engage my thinking.
I just finished Plan B by Annie Lamott this morning. Wow. Had to relisten to it in several sections. Esp. the parts of fear, terror, change, faith, truth, and how it all relates to cellulite, cruise ship buffets, our animal companions dead and alive, teenagers, and our struggles with finding clean underwear and our promises to never wear ill-fitting pants ever again. You can Youtube her reading from this latest book on further thoughts on faith. She is the one in dreads and with glasses. This book nourished me.
I needed it. The Universe is sending me some pretty drastic opportunities to practice staying in my Core (not corpse). I found a lump yesterday in my left armpit. It has been "hurting" me for awhile. I called today and made the appropriate appointments. I have been taking long, long, long walks with anyone who wants to. I don't talk about my hurts. I try not to. Sometimes are better than others. But walking is balm for my head, Heart, hurt, and Breath. I am missing all of my Sisters of Origin and Sisters of Choice-YOU--from north Ballard to Fremont to Edmonds to Phinney to Port Hadlock to Burien (excuse me, Normandy Park), to Renton, to Ballard Center of the Universe to Mountlake Terrace north of there whatever that neighborhood is by Martha Lake and Edgewood and Queen Anne and Sultan and Mukilteo and Bothell and Magnolia and North River and Olympia and South Carolina and Across the River and Under the Trees....and we are connected. There is Love here. That's all there is...and anything else we bring in our purses or fannie packs with the used Kleenex.
So I started this blog last night. I woke up (sort of happily with a sore throat and coughing this morning--colds make for lumps in places.) What's going through my head this morning has been fed from several sources. On my walk, I breathed and sifted through it some more. I have made some pretty big decisions in the past five days. If you ask me about work, I will tell you that next year I won't be working where I am now. I do not know what I will be doing. I cannot stay. I am not afraid. I am relieved that I have finally made the decision. Now I will take a look at what ducks I have, what row I wanna put them on, and how much water is needed to hoe it.
I have also been able to learn that I can trust my own decisions and boundaries around some pretty important things that used to suck my life energy out with my permission and submission...you know like relationships, stupid people, work. I have also learned that the things people tell and teach you to trust about security is all bullshit. The only security is that there is none and if you need a TOUCHSTONE, go climb into Father-God's Lap and snuggle in there. You will be Held. Or whereever your spiritual practice takes you. To whatever Source.

Our stories are very important. Everything else around us, the crap, the chaos, the failing this and flailing that---all nothing. NOTHING. It is not real. What is real is who is in your Heart and who is in Mine. And what lives between us.
In a nutshell (and my hazel that I whacked back last year is producing up a storm again this year for which I am thankful because the squirrels are enjoying them)--isolation is a choice. Standing by the side of the path is also a choice. Resting is a choice. Not resting is a choice.
Laughing and holding someone's hand is a choice and so is going to a cool place with lots of salads and ice cream called "Zoopa's". Recognizing Fear is also a choice. Letting run your life is also a choice. Listening to it is a choice. Recognizing what is behind it is a choice and a spiritual practice. Fear is not actually my friend, and I hesitate to say "my teacher' but it is what it is. And my choice is to make my choices. And not be stupid. And if I am, well--"Mistakes are how we learn."

I do have some funny stories to share from secondgradeland. Later. I do want to remind gently anyone who is reading this that YOU are driving your own train. Yoga works. I need to learn how to do it. Today is a lovely day, a gift actually. Mist works just like expensive face lotion. And to ask yourself "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?"


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