"My after forty face felt far more comfortable than anything I lived with previously. Self-confidence was a powerful beauty potion; I looked better because I felt better. Failure and grief as well as success and love had served me well. Finally, I was tapping into that most hard-won of youth dews: wisdom."---Nancy Collins
This has been a week of contrasts.
Tough at work, love at home.
Love at work, tough at home.
Rejoicing in spring, aching with grief for my Beloved Fiona and Sadie. It happens with every change of season.
Dear Friends who come into my home to care for my little dog and whose energy I feel when I come home...
a cold bed with books, NPR, and a basketful of homework.
(speaking of which, I haven't done mine yet and I have an exam tmorrow and here I am writing instead...then I am going to have a scathingly hot bath with the end of Bel Canto (read this if you haven't--it's a chewy little novel)
Another cut to the chase Lenten journey topic--Trust in God and Abba's Love and Plan for your Life, all Life....eeeiiiiyyiihhh!
We went from limitations (yikes) to trust in 0-7days. I am thankful because I asked for this on my prayer plate.
I am exhausted and my body aches still. My head hurts. My neck is stiff. My jaw reverberates with the tight cacophony of 'monkeymind'...and then I look at Luna, swathed in cotton-swirled clouds through the eclipsing emergence of pear blossoms...and I find Peace and Breath.
Music on the docket--everything from the lead singer from 10,000 Maniacs to Fats Dominoe to yenarm.
The more I think I know, the more I need/want to learn.
After some Vietnamese I want to learn Latin.
I wonder if I am going to like the rhythm and saga of everyday life with a kid, a job, and a dog. Right now, in all honesty, I say no. But I couldn't make it to the SOLO parenting group this week. It was too painful to go. No other words for it.
Crumby dreams when I let myself just dream and don't listen to music or talk radio to have 'company"...horrible in fact. Makes me want to get back into therapy...but I'll just trust that it's affirming that I take things deeply to heart, that I am really tired, really grateful, and this is one way that Spirit gets through the layer of monkeymind to what's really on my Heart.
This latest awful dream was about cooking up my dear new puppy and skinning him, fully prepared to eat him because I wanted meat. And right before I was to take a bite, he looked up at me with eyes full of GREAT PAIN AND QUESTION. He was still alive after I had done that to him! I woke up with a scream and sick to my stomach. And that's what I get to look forward to when I go to sleep....I wish I knew what that meant except that I know I have to stay the path of not eating meat from things with faces...
Still working out as often as I can and taking long walks with Cedar in the morning, not so much at night...too tired. We play a lot in the backyard.
I am happy about the chance to help out with dance on Tuesdays. I'll confirm with the powers that be to see if I heard right.
Things are evening out at work. Still don't know what grade I will be teaching next year. I hope it's first. I have the time to wait and I love the little kids. I wish I could stay home and homeschool. I'm going to give some energy to what that might look like and how I might make that work. I am becoming more and more bummed out with the cost of living in this neighborhood. Pretty soon, it's not going to be people like me...hell no, I'm staying!!! We'll figure it out. And I'll grow watermelon on my parking strip if I want to! This is Ballard!
On another note--I have a date with harper boy. Also one with the assistant women's crew coach at the U. We'll see. Boys are a whole nother gardenburger.
p.s. I am finally going to NATCHEZ in Mississippi this summer! Miz Sister Teresa and I made plans yesterday to go the last weekend in June. YAHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! That's right up there with the Egyptian pyramids and Machu Pichu for me--don't ask me why, I am weird and erin and that's all that (she said with that swagger of her head and snapping her fingers in front like on SNL before it got too weird and the music stupid and too modern for me...)
And would somebody PLEASE TELL ME what American Idol is and why kids stay up watching this stupid show with people who have something called a Fauxhawk?!?!!!???? Whatevah?!?
This has been a week of contrasts.
Tough at work, love at home.
Love at work, tough at home.
Rejoicing in spring, aching with grief for my Beloved Fiona and Sadie. It happens with every change of season.
Dear Friends who come into my home to care for my little dog and whose energy I feel when I come home...
a cold bed with books, NPR, and a basketful of homework.
(speaking of which, I haven't done mine yet and I have an exam tmorrow and here I am writing instead...then I am going to have a scathingly hot bath with the end of Bel Canto (read this if you haven't--it's a chewy little novel)
Another cut to the chase Lenten journey topic--Trust in God and Abba's Love and Plan for your Life, all Life....eeeiiiiyyiihhh!
We went from limitations (yikes) to trust in 0-7days. I am thankful because I asked for this on my prayer plate.
I am exhausted and my body aches still. My head hurts. My neck is stiff. My jaw reverberates with the tight cacophony of 'monkeymind'...and then I look at Luna, swathed in cotton-swirled clouds through the eclipsing emergence of pear blossoms...and I find Peace and Breath.
Music on the docket--everything from the lead singer from 10,000 Maniacs to Fats Dominoe to yenarm.
The more I think I know, the more I need/want to learn.
After some Vietnamese I want to learn Latin.
I wonder if I am going to like the rhythm and saga of everyday life with a kid, a job, and a dog. Right now, in all honesty, I say no. But I couldn't make it to the SOLO parenting group this week. It was too painful to go. No other words for it.
Crumby dreams when I let myself just dream and don't listen to music or talk radio to have 'company"...horrible in fact. Makes me want to get back into therapy...but I'll just trust that it's affirming that I take things deeply to heart, that I am really tired, really grateful, and this is one way that Spirit gets through the layer of monkeymind to what's really on my Heart.
This latest awful dream was about cooking up my dear new puppy and skinning him, fully prepared to eat him because I wanted meat. And right before I was to take a bite, he looked up at me with eyes full of GREAT PAIN AND QUESTION. He was still alive after I had done that to him! I woke up with a scream and sick to my stomach. And that's what I get to look forward to when I go to sleep....I wish I knew what that meant except that I know I have to stay the path of not eating meat from things with faces...
Still working out as often as I can and taking long walks with Cedar in the morning, not so much at night...too tired. We play a lot in the backyard.
I am happy about the chance to help out with dance on Tuesdays. I'll confirm with the powers that be to see if I heard right.
Things are evening out at work. Still don't know what grade I will be teaching next year. I hope it's first. I have the time to wait and I love the little kids. I wish I could stay home and homeschool. I'm going to give some energy to what that might look like and how I might make that work. I am becoming more and more bummed out with the cost of living in this neighborhood. Pretty soon, it's not going to be people like me...hell no, I'm staying!!! We'll figure it out. And I'll grow watermelon on my parking strip if I want to! This is Ballard!
On another note--I have a date with harper boy. Also one with the assistant women's crew coach at the U. We'll see. Boys are a whole nother gardenburger.
p.s. I am finally going to NATCHEZ in Mississippi this summer! Miz Sister Teresa and I made plans yesterday to go the last weekend in June. YAHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! That's right up there with the Egyptian pyramids and Machu Pichu for me--don't ask me why, I am weird and erin and that's all that (she said with that swagger of her head and snapping her fingers in front like on SNL before it got too weird and the music stupid and too modern for me...)
And would somebody PLEASE TELL ME what American Idol is and why kids stay up watching this stupid show with people who have something called a Fauxhawk?!?!!!???? Whatevah?!?
Labels: My after forty face
posted by MihErn @ 8:05 PM
1 Comments:
At 10:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
wow, those are some disturbing dreams. i have been having my own disturbing dreams, but none so acute as that. you are clearly processing a lot of information in that head and heart of yours. and the american idol thing is merely that we all love the underdog. i havent seen the show (not so secretly hate it), but i do love a good underdog - and one from Washington at that! love you, hang in there.
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