First SNOW of the season...and--
this one from my man, Ralph Waldo Emerson---

"All beauty warms the heart,
is a sign of health, prosperity, and the favor of God.
What delights, what emancipates,
not what scares and pains us,
is wise and good in speech and in the arts.
For, truly, the heart at the center of the universe
with every throb hurls the flood
of happiness into every artery, vein, and veinlet,
so that the whole system is inundated with the tides of joy."

And that is why I asked Colleen to sing for me to transmute the awful but welcomed news on Thursday. Her voice, her energy, her love, her Heart are powerful and ripple with Intention and Beauty. (She also can do some amazing stuff with her hair.) When I don't have my own Voice and Words and Power for the moment, having Sisters that do is one of those "bring out the secret weapon" time.

And that very night (when I wasn't answering my phone because I was too sad and relieved) my brother and father, up in the San Juans, had connections with people whose lives I had touched in positive, karmic ways years ago in San Diego and also from university. That was another of those Universe pulling out her own secret weapons to reassure me that what I do, out of love and gratitude, matters...even if it was a long time ago.

Pulled in around 3 am this morning after Portland Yuletide. A long day but a pleasant one. We saw snow pn the way down on the hills and cars around Chehalis and Kalama but any precip we hit was rain. Squishy got to stay overnight with Dave and Alice. He is still there playing in the snow. Cedar likes to run in it. Dave likes to chew on his lion toy while sitting in it. Alice likes to eat it. I like to drive home in it (when it isn't sticking too badly),singing Christmas carols with the radio.

The concert went well last night. Also took the time to drive off the beaten freeway path to show Fletcher the area of the world around Littlerock. Lots of road widening. And the folks who bought the land cut down most of the trees and put in lawn. Ugh. No attachment. Just looking. And thinking about how I won't do that. We also spent time at the Oregon Historical Museum. I've wanted to go there for years. It was alright. There were some interesting portable exhibits of 19th century photos of the Columbia River towns, water features, and landscapes before and after the railroads arrived. Also, an exhibit of the design work of an engineer named Loewry (sp?) who was responsible for much of the streamlining and simplifying of design in cars, kitchens, logos, and architecture around the world post WWII. The best was upstairs in the "Oregon, My Oregon" section. That captured the variety and realism of a great cross-section of Oregon's recorded history. Not enough hands-on stuff for me, though. I also liked that they didn't shy away from the devastation and truth around the treatment and lot of the First Nations communities. They included rich examples of their stories, spirituality, art, practical life implements, etc. It just seemed like the museum could have been "more". I have been spoiled by visits to some truly worthy museums.

The concert went well. The Waldorf schoolchildren's choir was one of the best I've heard. Hanz Araki played with the them last night. I settled in with a book on the Everyday Life in the Bible Lands. This old, old church (by Northwest standards) has a wondrous library. A couple of other tomes caught my attention but I ended up reading this one. I learned quite a bit last night about Assyriology and other useless but interesting facts about life in that part of the world. And there is more to learn because this was a National Geographic work from the late 60's.

This was a tough week in some perfectly awful respects. And I am thankful for the clarity and finality of the information I received. HOW I received it sucked. And I intend to relanguage that and envision/intend what I must so that doesn't happen again. Here it is in my nutshell:
1. Received word that the adoption agency was given their Hague accreditation. Which is good. For them. For kids. For the greatest good.
2. Received word that Viet Nam will not be open to US adoptions until late 2010 or 2011 at the earliest. And then they will be utilizing China's adoption system as a model. Which means--no singles (or very limited) and some other hoops that I would not be able to meet.
3. Ethiopia is closed to me through this adoption agency because they are not accepting any more singles for that program anymore through 2009 AND Ethiopia is planning to deny singles in the coming year anyway.
4. My adoption consultant in Missouri DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHO I WAS even though we have had conversations and emails. IT was pretty awful.
5. She had the balls to tell me she KNEW what I had been going through.
6. And I had the balls and presence and dignity to tell her that NO, she didn't know anything about what I had gone through. And I told her in a nutshell what this awful journey has been like. And she was silent and said she had no idea. I said yes, now she was correct and what could she offer me in terms of getting this family started. She said nothing. I said, then how do I withdraw because I am not waiting anymore. She said I could send an email. Then I had to accept that I only get half of one set of fees back.....and that pissed me off. Last straw kind of thing. That is the next thing I will be relanguaging in my life. THis money thing. It isn't working for me and I am DONE with this bullshit. Why do I get to pay for pain and loss and crap? IT happened with the divorce from Neil, the selling of our land, the care and see-through with Amore, and now this adoption. It has been nothing but crap.
7. SO I withdrew from the agency. And called the local one that redid the homestudy adn said that I would be calling this week. To see what is really available --in the next months. I also have made the next steps real for finding out what it will take to have my own child. Still thinking and praying on this one. It is time for FAMILY HERE!
Had some long conversations with Fletcher about all this this week and this weekend. I won't do anything rash but it sure does seem selfish and stupid to bring another baby into the world when there are MILLIONS that need homes.
8. I currently hate adoption agencies. I think they are liars. I think that unless you fit a mold they are full of shit.When you don't rock the boat. When you comply. When you jump through other people's hoops. NO MORE. I will be doing something about that, too. Being honest about what "support" really looks like. It's all about money. money. money. Bull-sh**. Just say no to b.s.
Time to go back to cleaning. 4th load of laundry. Decluttering the cabin room. Finding the kitchen table. Washing tights. Doing lesson plans. Burning old documents. Organizing others. And being Happy to be Me, Here, Now.