I took my Best Friend's ashes to the ocean this weekend and to the Field. This is the prayer from the Prayers of Healing book from the day of her passing:
God, make me brave for life: oh, braver than this.
Let me straighten after pain, as a tree straightens after the rain,
Shining and lovely again.
God, make me brave for life, much braver than this.
As the blown grass lifts, let me rise
From sorrow with quiet eyes,
Knowing Thy way is wise.
God, make me brave, life brings such blinding things.
Help me to keep my sight;
Help me to see aright
That out of dark comes light.

Little Feather and Will and I spent good "Circle time" sharing and being together. Little Feather went with me down to the beach near Twin Harbors--a beautiful day, windy, with seagulls, and families...just the kind of day that Fiona loved...me too. Sadie only loved it because she was with us and she liked to chase Fiona who was chasing the seagulls, the sandpipers, and the waves.
The kittens were about this weekend at the Field. We went down at twilight to mix Fiona's ashes into the soil near where Sadie is buried in the garden. The kittens' latest obsession is catching snakes and bringing them into the house. They got three in one morning this morning. I had the same dream as always--longing for my own dogs, looking for them, calling them, being polite while other people introduced me to their beloved dogs..and me not caring really..and me knowing I can never have mine back again in this life in the way we were a pack together. Just a what is.

Will taught me to use a table saw today with just a few mishaps. It was a lot like learning to shoot. Relaxation, focus, breathing, awareness, fluidity, and gentleness were all a part of the picture. A couple of mishaps and with a cooperative effort and some very patient instruction, 90+ pieces of spruce are ready with 6lbs of nails and 30 hammers for the sacred art project for the 3rd and 4th graders. I still like sawing the old-fashioned way in the backyard, but this was ideal. The timberframe is really coming along.
I also went to the SOLO parenting support group this afternoon. We learned about nutrition for children. A nice group of women. It makes what's to come a bit more real but for the present I have sort of given up...there is another mom-to-be who is going through another agency for Vietnam and her paperwork is there just waiting to be authenticated. She is planning to travel in April. I will observe her process closely and learn. The fact of it really is that I am sick of observing other folks...I just want to dive in. I met another mom who lives in Ballard. Her son is darling, 2 years old, and full of beans! He is African-American and the wait time is about 4-6 months for that program...hmmm. Got a handle on a great local daycare in North Ballard. I also heard stories tonight about ruts, exhaustion, mistakes, end-of-ropes, failed support networks---bring it on! And a puppy. I want it all.