AND I SAW THE RIVER
over which every soul must pass
to reach the kingdom of heaven
and the name of that river was suffering---
and I saw the boat
which carries the souls across the river
and the name of that boat was
love.----Saint John of the Cross

Happy 15th Birthday, my Dear Fiona. I miss you.

I made it through this weekend without a meltdown, with quality time with Friends and Beloveds (and folks I don't know), with a little work (too much actually), some good-enough coffee, some delish vegetarian Indian food from the Udupi Palace at Crossroads, a Harry Potter movie and book, and the decision that a retired greyhound might be in my future and my to-come family, but not right now. I almost did yardwork and I made macaroni and cheese-almost like cooking. I bought twinkle lights this weekend. They are not up yet, but it may happen sooner than later. Life seems to be returning to this cottage. I also checked out overtsuffed recliners that rock and go backwards-for when sleeping and holding child will be occuring simultaneously. Bras are next and a proper fitting scheduled for our next-monthly outing with my big Sistah. She and her dancers this weekend were beautiful and professional. They gave of their time and talent to support the Duvall Quilt Show. I enjoyed the time on a crisp fall day with Mary J. and traveling the country roads. I just love this time of year. Some people wake up in summer. I wake up in fall.
I have energy intact, enough for sleeping, and a little hope for the week. I am getting tired of the dreams where I am beating up on my ex...literally. This last time, his face was painted on a wall. I spotted it and in my dream, went and found him, and started wailing/whaling on him with a baseball bat, hard and with purpose. I beat the crap out of him. He doesn't show pain or vulnerability, and he doesn't try to get away either. He always has his back to me or I hit him across the stomach as he is doubled-up. This is getting old, very old...so is his face in my dreams actually. The sad part of this for me is that I really want to be able to hold him in authentic forgiveness and some kind of love. I don't know what this is to be or how it is to be. Honestly, I don't think this is about him at all. I am also aware that my dreams are a window to parts of me...if one goes for that Jungian perpsective. The bottom line is that this is getting old and boring. I have asked for Help and also for Protection, but there is a Message that I am not "getting" and the dreams will keep occurring until I figure it out. Woot-woot! Therapy on the internet. You, too, can hang it all out there. I warned everyone...this is now my place to write a book-of-sorts.
Je commence les lecons de francais cette semaine et pour moi, ca marchera bien...pour le moment. I am also studying 'espagnol" and will be making weekly progress. Mary J. and are going to share and pray together every week. My Heart and Prayers are still with Laura, Jean, Mike and the Carmel community there. Time for bed. I have to go hide my bat first.