It's tonight. Wolf Moon.
Will feel more than see this.

The dark has its own ray.
It is part of day.
To be illumined
by not knowing, not seeing,
not doing is also a way.

Even in the deepest darkness
are you not still with God?---Gunilla Norris


Um...yup.
And I've been contemplating the mid-winter garden and who needs to come live here.
And I made vegetable soup again. It is delicious. And still cooking.

So tired I forgot to save all the work I did this afternoon on report cards and then accidentally deleted it all. Am I mad? No, rather amused. And Held. And glad for the work, the home, the health, the family, the connections, the guardian angels of our dogs and kids, the warm fuzzies coming in amidst all the...what did we decide to call it......compost, yeah that's it, compost.

To set one record straight for any of the Aire-Zen crowd or anyone else who doesn't get when I am being playfully sarcastic. My silly pup, aka Cedar's Brother, is happier at daycare than he is being with me. And that makes me happy. I like to be at Auntie Lydia's, too, especially when she has tea and shortbread or when she is showing something fun or mischievous the dogs are doing. And I love Alice. Porter doesn't but he will. And I have permission to share pictures with Darling Reacher, another new pup at Camp Alice sometimes.

This came in today from my cousin. And the funny thing was that "yes" I had felt Held, uplifted, silly-happy, and almost singing to myself during a long, hard day. This was why. I was plugged in...or the shield is down.
-

I was at a meeting yesterday with a bunch of people who attended Dad's funeral. One Jesuit gushed, "We just LOVED your cousin! Wanted to scoop her up and take her home!" Dittos all around...then lots of comments about how lucky we are to have you in our family and how blessed your students are. If you were feeling warm, fuzzy, loved feelings yesterday around 1, they may have been coming from SU!! Love to you......brazen perhaps, but after I thanked her, I asked if any of those Jesuits or their friends would like to hire me next year. :)

Have a sub tomorrow. Will be at a math conference. Plan to take the bus. Very, very proud I am of Team Washington at the Curling Nationals in Minnesota. Get those cowbells clanging!!!

Off to bed. The fire has heated this cottage up. I have had my tea. I am not going to try and redo all that lost work tonight. I am going to dream. And think about how happy my dog is at Auntie Lydia's and how happy I am that The Aire Zen Circle still looks out for me and mine. There is so much love and doghair in my world. BARROOOOOO-ROOOO-ROOOOOOO!

Picture a Humongous Pile of Compost.
Huge. Growing. Ripe.
Picture me next to this Pile. Not in it. Receiving flecks from my proximity but not IN it.
Problem is, I am REALLY tired. Not from shoveling it. Or moving it.
But from this really HUGE shovel that I seem to be holding on to and the poised-to-do-something about said pile with said shovel.
Habits die hard. Especially ones that are as familiar and worn as a pair of 30 year old bedroom slippers.
Just became aware of the shovel yesterday.

Thank heavens for therapy and walks.
Dreams, too. Those came back last night.

Gonna lay that shovel down and watch the sunshine on the PILE. The shovel and the pile ain't mine. The sunshine is.

Out of quiet moments, come miracles.--Elaine St. James

Nothing cryptic.
Nothing happening.
One heck of a week.
I am getting good at clearing time to be quiet.
That is all.

It is clear my dog hates daycare at Auntie's.
His friend Murray came over and pummeled him the other night, too.
It has been a good week for Porter so far.
We have a French study group at my house tonight after dance (I'm helping someone try to pass semester finals). He will like that because they are bringing sandwiches to share.
The Burke Museum has asked me to participate in a focus group for their education dept.
I am excited about that.
And I am happy for that Bellingham family who brought their adopted children home from Haiti. Just did it. They waited for 3 1/2 years and said it was a long time. I know.

Life's too short for fussing.
And I certainly do my fair share.
Even though I have been working on breaking that habit for the longest time.
How about you?
Any fussage success stories? Or maybe fussing works for you?

As you can see,I am still on this simple living kick...
And it's struck me that when I am not happy, I fuss.
When I go to a lovely brunch with my folks, I spend time fussing to them about things in my life I don't like. What kind of nonsense is that?
I'll just have to go to lunch again and be a much better listener because I am really more interested about what is going on for them. Next month.

I found someone to teach me how to snowshoe. That is on my list for now, this winter. No more waiting. Going to try it. And if I like it, I am going to learn to drive in the snow.

The kids in secondgradeland are enjoying making wooden train models.
There are only 20 weeks left of school for this year.

Only the good die young?
Not only...but it sure seems like there are a lot that do.
I am thinking of Molly Hightower, someone whose name I did not even know two days ago and now I do. I am praying for you, Molly. For your family. For your loved ones. For the least of our brothers and sisters in Haiti whom you have been serving and loving. For those who found your remains.Who called your family. Who mourn you and who celebrate you and who miss you now. And I pray for all in Haiti and connected to and helping and praying for Haiti. Even Pat Robertson.

It has been a week. The school/work week that is. It is officially over with a cozy fire, hot cup of tea in a Christmas mug, soup bubbling on the stove, the oven preheating for bread-baking, pup finishing his supper, and Philip Boulding's "End of the Day" playing on repeat for bit while I compose my thoughts.

This week, I came home to a sweet surprise package hanging from my intact front door--a bag with Christmas tea and more morning time tea. With a note from a friend. How lucky was that?! I came home to a wet basement (it is standing water now) but the rest of the house is dry, warm, and cozy. I came home to a pup still on the mend and more like hisself each day. I came home to enough in the freezer, fridge, and cupboards to fill my stomach and satisfy my brain. I managed to get out of bed every morning this week even though it was like dragging a hundred Tonka garbage trucks through a sandbox of wet sand. I haven't heard a birdcall all week that I can remember. We did manage to learn about explanatory writing, past and present tense verbs, the genre of fantasy, the cursory explorations of the European Union, the very basics of how to balance and move to reel time without biting off your tongue or gravity-vortex-diving into the guy or girl next to you, more stories of Jesus' Healing and Loving of children, and how to estimate, try, check and revise two-digit addition sums in math....once we relearned what a sum is. Some of us learned that gossip does NOT make someone want to play with us at the next recess. Some others of us learned that softballs made of hotdog foil can travel very far but don't hold up well if they fall into puddles or the hands of Kindergarten boys. Some of us learned that you don't give your new reading glasses to your best friend to take home and try over the weekend without checking with your mom first. Some of us learned that Alice means business when she says "Get off my bed, you pondscum, and leave my toy alone or you will lose your face."Some of us learned how to be part of the rat-catching terrier brigade that DID catch a rat. Some of us learned that Curves is not just about the workout but it is also about the company. The women. One was beside herself with excitement this morning. She is going to El Salvador next week with her husband. Hasn't been back since she met this husband there in the PeaceCorps b.c.--before children. Now kids are in college. The music school where she taught there was burned to the ground and all the instruments stolen during the war. She put the word out in her Circle via email asking for instruments to bring with her. (She is a 'cello teacher.) In less than 24 hours, she has 8 violins and 6 small 'cellos to bring with her to give to the children. Some of them take a bus for an hour and a half to be one of 12 students sharing ONE instrument and a lesson with a teacher. This endeavor is SOMETHING in my eyes. SO is all the aid and prayer and love and help going to Haiti.
So is seeking, finding, accepting the resources for making important wellness decisions and then trusting your own decision. Not me...a sister-friend. Another example of learning, letting go, and living this week. Now off to knead. I need it.

And may God hold you in the palm of God's hand....
You know that one, right?
There are some times when it feels like I am hanging off the very tip of God's thumb by the skin of my teeth or the elastic of my Big Girl Undies...either way, I'm just glad that I know that the Hand is around when I need it and when I forget that I do.

Been an interesting week. Yes, "interesting".
I'm pretty tired. Grief does some powerful numbers on the psyche and the bod.
Here is where the deep, sensual French male voice interjects, "But of course, darlingk, it izz vendredi...I mean, Friday. Have some wine or anuzzehr cup of tea and take your shoes off."
Don't mind if I do.

It is coming down out there. Drenching. Even the bamboo ain't holding up it's so wet.
Glad I have enough dry firewood until tomorrow when I will have fun slipping and sliding to load some in the house and it won't matter how wet we get.

Going to try and keep the pup deconed for 15 minutes and see if he can chew on something other than himself. He does not like the conage. I do if it saves us more trips to the vet.
Now where is my oj and chard?

Rest in Peace, Uncle Vic.
I am wearing my Thunderbirds Soccer jacket and raising my cup of tea toward the ocean tonight in the backyard while this Sheltie of mine rams his conehead into the bamboo and barfs in between because his dinner didn't settle. I miss you not being here. I thank you for being my first soccer coach. I thank you for teaching me not to fear. I thank you for those rides in the back of the old blue truck down Dravus hill on the way home from practice so we would bounce! I thank you for introducing me to my Sheltie addiction and to RV's. I thank you for being such a good example of generosity, integrity, gritty humor, candor, and damn good salmon fishing. I thank you for how you loved Auntie Jan and your children. I love how you laughed from your belly. And it reached your eyes. I love how welcomed I always was. I am thankful that you are not in pain anymore. I am thankful that I can be of support to those who are still here missing you and for whom life won't be the same. I prefer to think of where you are now as the HELLO DOOR instead of the GOOD-BYE DOOR. And only for awhile. Here's To You, Uncle. Someday soon I will laugh just like you. But for now, the tears need to have their say.