Mississippi Moments

Sunday, June 27, 2010

"Darkness has to rise
and be released.
We cannot walk in Light
hiding fear...anger...resentment...deep within us...
and be whole and joyous.
Hidden darkness is combustible
It seeps out into our world.

In the midst of Light
we see pockets of darkness
little by little until we are face to face
with the monster we have hidden so carefully within us...so deep inside...
Let us let the darkness go
no longer do we have to hold onto the lie
a prisoner to it

We are the Children of Love
Fear not another moment.
For the Truth will set us free
to be All we Are.

Dear Father/Mother God
hold our hands Now
so we have the strength to rise above the darkness
Open to love.-----Ananda Polito

Been down most of the weekend. My body is in rebellion. Haven't had vertigo like this in ages, gut drama, sparkly peripheral vision, tingly fingertips...Parts of my mind jacking around too. Heart is somewhat scattered. Sleep. More sleep. Lots of sleep. Long walks with my dog. Just now up and trying to find my kitchen table and go through boxes of wishes and thanks from families from this year and years past. I am not ungrateful. But this is hard. Hard work. I have saved a couple of notes. You are welcome to read them if you like. I am putting them here so I will find them at a later date when I need to.

On a little green note covered with hand-drawn hummingbirds:
Dear Ms. R.,
I loved drawing birds and I loved woodworking to. And loved nature sketching too.
From C-

Dear Ms. R (all in her best cursive--her mom told me that she spent several hours on this):
I love having you as a teacher. You care for us. You look out for us. You love us too. I love learning with you. You make everything fun. You always have a smile on your face. All you do all day is make everyone happy! Sincerely, E-

Dear ms r,
I will realy, realy, realy, real.miss you. you have tought me so much, I would fall asleep when I'm done. You are a realy, realy, good purson, thank you. sinsinserely, c.t.

Dear mrs. r.
you are a cool techer. Dud!!! love, b-

Dear Ms. R-
I like all your clothes pins. You are a good teacher. I really like that you teach us form drawing and Irish dancing. Do you like the rain? I like the rain? What kind of a dog do you have? I have two dogs. One is a chocolate lad. And a beagle. love your friend, K-
..and there are more. (which I'll hold in my bottom drawer for a bit until I can let them go)

It hit like a smaller ton of bricks on Friday night. That there is not a classroom with children to go to in the fall. Other stuff hit on Friday night. Such tender, sensitive beings we are. Cut my breath off. This is new and not so improved. Just different. It is going to be okay to feel lost for awhile. But J.R.R. and J.the B. had it right--Not all who wander are lost....And deserts can be good places to listen...

Thursday, June 24, 2010

I am enjoying this opportunity to get my Mary Poppins on.
Today was putting a Friendship Garden in and going to see the fish at the Locks...oh, and don't forget rolling down all those hills!
Detox happens. And happens. Still happening. Probably for the time that it will take.:)
I am loving my new job.
Working with 2 is VERY different than 27. And I am not just babysitting. We are chewing and savoring this summer. Only three days in. The magic wore off yesterday---same as with a school setting. Now we can get down to what we want to get down to.

It is tiring. I like this taste of ...
It is pretty exciting to be with a 6 year old who is getting his first library card and was not afraid to go up and ask for the dragon books at the information desk yesterday.

And to share Irish dancing and nature journaling with a living embodiment of a sunshine sponge...who sounds just like Auntie Jan!

Friday, June 18, 2010

You CAN sing and text at the same time.
Proclaimers--I'm on my way, UhHUH, UHHUH, UHHUH...
Moving on.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

For the modern mystic--

I found this this morning:
"--to be walking with her feet planted firmly on the ground,
but thinking with her head soaring powerfully through the sky. To live solidly grounded, but from a spiritual foundation, integrating within ourselves the consciousness of earth and the consciousness of heaven---"
---------Marianne Williamson, Everyday Grace

Lots of good-byes yesterday. Lots of tears yesterday. Lots of everything yesterday.
Today is Quiet Day. Clearing and Schlepping Day. Today is another Grace is Now Day.

I don't need to wait 'till Midsummer's Eve to burn things. Did it last night.
Almost like my "Get out of Jail Free" card.

My teeth ache today. My toenails. My hair follicles. My eyelashes.
Nothing a long walk, some proper music, Breathing, and a romp with my pup can't fix.

One little aside--when I turned on the computer at work yesterday, a presentation starting playing called "The Book of Years"--it was all about the students and "the" teacher over the last 8 years. I started to cry. Then a parent stepped in--I bet he had been watching to see my response---he said "Did you find something on your computer this morning?" I laughed through my tears and said yes. I asked if that was his doing--He said it was a whole group of families, too many to name, and that it was their gift to me for my Gift to them.".......this story doesn't end here. More for another day.

I talk a good game about not panicking. Today will be a good day to practice it. Act as if and it is. All is well. All shall be well...Well? Get on with it!

Monday, June 14, 2010

Running Interference.

"I'm running interference for you. I have parents lined up in my office crying everyday. How could I let you go? What have I done to make you leave? (My boss) (Then a smile as we pass in the hall--me going down it, she going up toward the office)I said, "Glad they are now coming to you because I can't get my work done with all the interruptions. She: And I can't get my work done either. Me: But you're a really good listener and you get paid the big bucks to do that. Keep up the good work! She: Laughs. Flails her arms wildly and then blesses both of us. Then we walk away to our respective corners.

Snow in the desert. Tears with a smile.
And cheesecake with blueberries and a sweet little lavendar plant----that's what the room parents brought today to say thank you. They asked. They listened. It was perfect.
Trust the flukes.
That's what Melodie Beattie wrote in this morning's words for chewing. She had some thoughts as she was driving through the painted desert in Arizona.

"Weather the storms. Let them pass. Keep your balance, as best you're able. Remember to be flexible and sway with the winds like the tall trees in the forest. Trust the flukes, too, those moments when it snows in the desert.
Let destiny have its way with you."---p.291, Journey To The Heart

The flukes are showing up in boxes that I have stashed high up on shelves I had forgotten about---with heron feathers and owl pins and wolf etchings. And words about Breathing and Letting Go.

Tears and Laughter are both signs of an open heart.
The tears that are flowing are not mine. But I shall think of them as snow in the desert. And that's Grace in the Now.

(I found her picture, too, yesterday, with Grandpa Raney, in the backseat of the car on their 50th. I have been missing that picture for 2 years! It was ready to come out. Like tears in the desert.)

Thursday, June 10, 2010

I am going to be Alice when I grow up.

A miracle happened today. (No, it isn't about the adoption...yet.)
I can't go into detail at the moment because it just happened.
Let's just say that Source provided the best, most unanticipated, GRACE-FILLED hour of Reconciliation and Healing that I could not have even imagined this evening.

Did I not state that I wanted a calm, tranquil, balanced, healing end to this school year? Be careful what you ask for.

On another note. I love this shot. I love Alice's expression. And the two goofs on either side of her. Thank you, Auntie. You are a gem.

Believe in miracles. They are REAL.

Leaning back and watching the clouds...
something my dad taught me. Something I did with rich, bored kids in La Jolla one year when we were at wit's end at this time of year. And what they remembered most years later when I reconnected with some of them. Something I did last night when I came home from school. And it was brilliant.
The layers. The wisps. The movement. The colors. The swirls. The places to play and hide and jump. The rain coming in the thick, grey pillows blocking out the sun. Leaning back. Taking time to be still and notice.
I love the way the california poppies curl up and then unfold into warmth. Lovely metaphor.

I also love how songs seem to pop out to say what I feel these days.
My latest favorite--David Gray--"If you want it, come and get it---for crying out loud.....---Babylon

Colbie Callat---Something about taking the first step. Letting go the crutch.

Dixie Chicks----Wide Open Spaces

John Michael Talbot---Christ, illumine me....

Tree63--- Blessed Be Your Name

Sara Groves--It's Gonna Be Alright

Kellie Someone--My Life Would Suck Without You

Anything by Robert Schumann (sp?)

Dougie-----This Love with Carry

EMR at the Kitchen Sink-----Mindless humming while baking pies thinking to herself--What the blip have you done? Oh, that is some fear in your stomach. Wow, these feet are super sensitive today. Thank you, Healthy Body and Mind and Heart. Let's rest. Let's grow something. Let's paint. Let's find what is going to be the New Balance. The New Normal. This fear will pass and this Love will carry. And when all else fails, Smirnoff's cranberry and lime, the McKassons and a very long walk with your dog will put you back on the top step with the shell in your hand.

I feel scared. I feel happy. I feel sad. I feel peaceful. I feel confused. I feel committed (not commit-able). I feel prosperous. I feel quiet. I feel grateful. I feel Life.

We have come a long way, Bebe.

Monday, June 07, 2010

It was hummingbirds when I awoke and first breathed the early morning. Still, preening,alighted and alert on the linniatus. I tried to do the same.
And again this evening. Alit, quiet, then aflit from linniatus to birch to holly to cedar to who knows where. Back and forth. Others, too. Birds seem to be my world when I am quiet these days. Like bookends. Not bad. Not bad at all.

Saturday, June 05, 2010

Musings on the Cosmic Teeter Totter

I can never lose one
whom I have loved unto the end;
one to whom my soul cleaves so firmly
that it can never be separated
does not go away
but only goes before."St. Bernard of Clairvaux

This was shared by a colleague this week. From a friend of hers whose husband has been dying and went Home on Friday morning. At this time of year, it has been a pattern to always be confronted by waves and feelings of loss, change, Some regrets (or many), and Grace. Lots of Grace. The Truth, for me, is that Grace is ALL there is. My thinking isn't coming smoothly this morning...gonna keep at it anyway so I have this for later chewing....
When I think on(not dwell on) these times that can be quite painful, rippingly so, in ways that mean life will never be the same again, I also get samples of Balance from the other side. Remembrances(or "Ah-hahs) of when these kinds of times teemed with Loyalty, Support, Calm, Peace, Inner Strength (and we are not talking the kind where you endure with a gut wrenching soul-wedgie until you can get home to let it all out--which you could do anyway but we are talking about Inner Strength that holds Healing and Power). It is the Balance wherein dwells Grace. So I asked the Universe, my Source to bring me examples--Here they come tripping across the Bridge like Heavenly Billy Goats Gruff....
*I usually think of Grandpa and Grandma Surridge when I am thinking on the ancestors and showing up. Yesterday was different when Grandpa Raney came waltzing into my consciousness, wearing a polyester jacket and white shoes, of course. I have been thinking on all the baby showers that are coming up. Not my favorite thing these days. And my Grandfather, who had lost his Life Partner less than two months prior, came to my wedding and danced with me at the reception. His eyes in the photos speak volumes of Pain and Peace, Inner Strength and Support, Showing Up for Life when you feel Dead...Balance.
*Brenin---held me while I held Fiona. Then when I thought I would never care or get up from the floor again, with few words, took me to the water's edge, rocky, windy, perfect, handed me a beer, listened and climbed with me, shared from his heart, held space while I began to Recalibrate--to feel Life, that what had just passed was Life, too--there was Balance.
*All the shit that went down last year at this time of year(and it is starting to rain down now) and to protect myself this year, I am girding pretty tightly in the control freak dept. and holding on and swaying as needed and keeping my head low and muttering to myself "It'll burn. It'll burn. Five hundred years from now this will be a blip."And here comes the Universe with emails, hall fly-bys, car line shouts, surprise rib-breaking hugs by the pirate pub around the corner from the dance studio from a parent whose child I taught 4 years ago!, notes, colleagues telling me about 7th graders in their room wanting to know why I was jumping ship NOW? (not going to be there when we graduate?!?!), arm touches and one or two fist-bumps on my shoulder from others who shake their heads but have eyes full of gratitude------BALANCE! And the creme---these are the families of the "Anowim"(don't know how to spell it but my therapist smiled and gave me the word from Bible last night as I was describing what has been happening)--it means "the little ones", "the voiceless", "the unSeen". That side of the Cosmic Teeter Totter is Balancing (perhaps, in truth, it is OUTweighing) all the other Crap.

So, sing it Brother Bernard....

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

A weeded garden is a restful sight.

But, unweeded, it can be dynamic.
See how plants fight for their patch in the sun.
The strong ones survive and not always the handsome.
Perhaps they are the essential plants no one has found the right use for as yet.
Can you trust that out of chaos comes the new?
Order and beauty have fooled many.---Gunilla Norris

Fell asleep to the sound of soft rain coming through the open window last night. After reading to myself outloud-Stories by Firelight-by Shirley Hughes. Of course, there is a selkie in there and a child and a wild stretch of beach off the Scottish coast--and my favorite after the words, swirled, layered illustrations that are not quite in focus. Even better when you are reading by camplight.

Started weeding and working in the garden this weekend. Overwhelming it seems to be. So what. Had a wonderful time digging around, pulling, tussling with grasses. Had to remove the holly on the side of the porch. Keep scratching the side of my car since I can only do the Dorothy "straight line" these days. This, too, shall pass. I would like to get things in the ground and have something to tend to that we can eat or enjoy. Source and Mother Earth are already doing a great job......I get to enjoy all the other gardens on my walks with Porter. My energy and time and focus are on another garden. And the Growing Ones in this garden have shot up like weeds. And are pungent with power and a certain jut of the chin, sidelong looks, and tone of voice. And as onesub-chief undersecretary of the Ministry for the Care and Creative Maintenance of this latest Crop, I take my little patch pretty seriously. And I don't like it when they leave me puddles of prairie schooner paint to slip around in near the sink. And I do like it when they invite me to play high-flyers with whiffle balls (oi!). And then I sit down to look at the accounts and write some more numbers down---and the numbers reflect NOTHING of what I know about this Garden----Order and Beauty have fooled many. The Beauty and Lyrical Chaos I touch daily are Gift. I tussle with them, too. And leave them to make their own Growing decisions. And they leave me to mine.

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

"Don't be afraid to take big steps. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps."--David Lloyd George

"The golden opportunity you are seeking is in yourself. It is not in your environment; it is not in luck or chance, or the help of others; it is in yourself alone."
-----Orison Swett Marden

"It is also in the compost that finally got dug. In the wood that was stacked and is drying by the woodstove for the storms that are moving in to drench the rest of the week. It's in walking the dog and having your breath caught up in the most perfect group of irises that you come upon. It's in the mimicry of a robin's stop and go and the laugh afterwards when the pup did keep up. It's in the energy shared between a flicker's blackened chest stripe and mine (but I haven't looked to see what color mine is today). It's in believing in a new day. 'Cause it's here whether you like it or not."-Mihern