I may change my mind...again. Ok, I just did.
I am mad and hurt about something that happened this week.

I am actually blogging from Thousand Oaks, CA. I am going exploring and learning --LaBrea Tar Pits, the Getty Museum, the Huntingdon Library and Gardens, the Pacific Coast Highway, some hiking, some downtime. It is warm down here.

So, I'll say it again. Parents are the first and most important teachers of their children. There are many tools out there for a parent to grow skills to help their own child to be balanced, healthy, happy, and whole. (Same for themselves). I do not "Give advice". I make recommendations for adding tools and strengthening what is already in the tool box (like Love and Logic). I speak honestly. I know my stuff. I have much more to learn about all this. And next time, I share my expertise, I better be getting paid for it like I do everywhere else---except Jonestown which is where I go to share and give back because so much has been given to me. Talk about Damage. And the HUGE healing Power and Grace of Christ.

I am glad it is Lent. For once. Usually, I dread Lent.
It is an invitation to sigh. To stop. To quit trying. To be.
My massage therapist was talking with me last week about something that is on my plate...the past week at Cancer Care Alliance really threw me off my game. Really did. And, no, I still don't have the results of the MRI. I really don't care. I am living my life. I was sharing about how I got knocked off my pedestal of Peace. Hard. And she laughed and said she spends most times just trying to find hers and climbing back on. I don't know all of her story but she is a three-time cancer survivor and has been through really tough times and back and around...she shared about how she still gets hooked and goes immediately into what she calls "Warrior"....instead of stepping into "Wisdom" or "Wise Woman". That resonates so with me. So, I've made some healthy decisions for me. I will not even try to get back on the pedestal. I'm going to sit with my back to it and my butt situated on the ground. I am going to love. I am going to stay in the present. I am going to continue failing and then being successful at going from "Warrior" to Wise Woman" when these sort of things happen. I am going to complete the section B on the Parenting Plan for the third time for the adoption process. I wish it was required for any and all parents to complete the Parenting Resource Plan multiple times like it has been for me---it would get people talking, sharing, connecting......I am going to continue to love and to live my life from a place of love, not fear, anger, and frustration. It's not worth it. Bring it on.
And Cedar is happy and "making cookies" (actually he and Dave sit in front of the stove watching and waiting for the magic thing to spit out the goodies!)Bless that Lydia! And bless that I have a job that allows this all to happen.

I'm signing off on this blog. I'm just gonna live my Wonderful Life.
Blessings and Healing to all.

Valium. Magical Strings. Mom. Blindfold.
All done.
I'm still detoxing. It's going to take awhile. 2 was big bang for the "let's not let that very little space bug us" buck.
Will detox while doing yardwork, walking, and listening to public radio.

Long Day. Good News. All-clear with the usual scans. Couldn't do the MRI without drugs.
It wasn't a matter of will power. It was a matter of the nice people in the MRI room did not want to clean up after my ralphing if I stayed in there. One of those things you don't know until you try. ("Oh, you never have any fun out of things you haven't done."--Ogden Nash) Go back on Friday for a redo WITH DRUGS. And my mom driving. And two Magical Strings CDs. Thank you, Val. Seattle Cancer Care Alliance will now have Magical Strings to offer folks. I turned down "House of Pain" which was the suggestion by the younger of the two techs. I don't even know what that is for heaven's sake!?!

Also completed step 1 (notarization) and setp 2 (fingerprinting for the FBI) for the adoption. It did not cost a small fortune, was completed by a very cute officer in training, and Val introduced me to some colleagues and from the Lynnwood Police Dept. and CP program. A long, somewhat trying on the inside day, with productivity on my end (finished a bucketload of mid-year assessments and other paperwork as well as finished a book on healthy brain strategies and development, esp. adolescents). I can't complain and I'm not. It still is jarring down there at SCCA. And it's a long, long day. Waiting for news. And then three times now-happy news. Let's hope Friday brings more. One of my doctors is conservatively curious as to why there is some puffiness around one end of the scar. Let's hope it's good old scar tissue and too many tots in bed. Yes, I admit it. I eat tots on my couch bed while watching Belle's Enchanted Christmas, Bambi, Olive the Other Reindeer. I have two more Christmas movies in the queue for next week. The Christmas light is always on here in EMR land. (What do you think was on my i=pod all day today? "House of Pain"? Bite your tongue.

Wind. Moon. Waves. Mountains. Crows cackling. Hawks circling. Kite-flyers. Diggers. Volley-ers. Cyclists. Pattern-makers. Cairn-creators. Walkers. Talkers. Gawkers. And Us. Next best part of my day---a long walk at Shilshole with my buddy. Trying to calm my Heart and Mind. Kind of hard today. Thinking on lots of stuff. Wish I weren't.Tomorrow I head to Cancer Care Alliance for the next scans. Wish I could look at this like a piece of cake, but I can't. Tea. Always good. Tea.

Walk-About in a Japanese Garden
Star-Sister Jean and I went exploring today at the Kubota Gardens in South Seattle. This idyllic space once belonged to the Kubota Family. It was Mr. Kubota's passion, display garden, nursery, family home, connection from home to America, and classroom. There are several themed gardens within this one space. Tranquil,alive, simple, layered, a million different views at each turn and each setting spot. Dog-friendly. The robins and tohees were out and active today. Time melted away as we walked and delighted in nuances and little outbursts of spring. It is a special place. I plan to visit again and again.

Long nap. Dishes. More nap. Dog haircut and other maintenance. Wood hauling. Long winter night's nap. A beautiful day.

Toilet Tag and Raising Cain

to be accomplished. By the end of the day, the file had been hand-walked to the appropriate offices, the update for domestic adoption begun, the agency director in the loop, and I have a reply. Yes, I qualify for the African-American Infant Program. Yes, I get the privilege of having FBI fingerprints and background check done again and there is another section of the Parenting Plan that I will need to amend regarding the care and feeding and raising of African American children( I know where I can go for help on that one---"Hello, Jonestown Family Center, please. Is Miss Maxine there? And Miss Lady? And Miss Tina? And Miss Joyner? And....)...and I have to be open to gender. Okay, then. There is also a 20-30% chance that the birth mother will change her mind. Okay, then. We have movement. And not the recess-bowel kind.

I will tell you. I stayed at peace in my core when this was all going down yesterday although my body had some fairly visceral reactions. No panic. No malaise. Some shock and sadness. I am familiar with these already. And Little Feather and Fletcher danced with me on the newly fixed floor and blessed the lavendar room with Abbot's Table wine, the variety called Owenroe. That room has already been blessed by Con-Con working and Mommy drawing his height on the doorway (which I treasure) and Daddy doing what he does so well with love here in this home even when he was soo tired and sore.
Dinner's in the oven and I have some valentines to make. Tomorrow is Friendship Day. Then I have put Cain back in the sock drawer until the next time.

I CAN'T FRICKIN' BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING... (and part of me does and can)
Adoption Journey, Saga That It Is, Part 80 milliion--
The adoption agency that I started with here in Renton, the GOOD ONE, the reliable one, the upfront one, the "we're working with you and our adoption consultants are with you every step of the....blah, blah, more frickin' blah------
THEY HAVE LOST MY FILE!!!!!!!!!!!@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And courtesy of a phone call or a return on my emails for the last 3 weeks. NO. I had to call every hour yesterday after school and was told so-and-so were in meetings and would be back with me shortly. Right at closing time--3 hours later--I got the call. And I am expected to understand. UNDERSTAND WHAT? I will be on the phone with "my" social worker today-----she hasn't returned anything in the communication dept.
I thought the program director of the domestic infant program that my social worker recommended was looking over the updated homestudy to see if I was a match for the program's expectations AND that my social worker was UPDATING THE HOMESTUDY AGAIN for domestic (it has to be done every time there is a shift in anything)---no. silly me. NOTHING HAS HAPPENED BECAUSE THEY HAVE MISPLACED IT. There is no record of my original homestudy. The update. All the other extremely important documents and personal information. I have been with this agency since the very beginning.
I am in shock. I was in denial about it last night in therapy. Or it hadn't hit yet. It hit. I hurt. all over. And have a lot of "mad" to focus, release, and use for good.....or something.
p.s The director said she would be happy to put me in touch with some other support families so I could "talk to them". Hinsight--I should have said--"Support families from WACAP of other people whose files you have misplaced. Whose calls youhaven't returned. Whose emails you have ignored. "....and she only said "Oh, it has been?" when I told her it had been a MONTH since she had said she would get back to me with the info or decision around this. 4, no actually 5 STINKING WEEKS, I have been waiting to hear good news. I am used to the GOOD IN MY LIFE NOW. I AM USED TO HEALTHY, BALANCED, FOCUSED, MOSTLY PEACEFUL, JOYFUL, PRODUCTIVE life rhythms now. It is my "new normal". There is therapy for the stuff that isn't.
p.p.s. I haven't not been making other actions on this. I did contact the agencies through an article that Turi gave me. I had a conversation in person-phone with them yesterday. It is actually one of many networks. They are located inSouthern California. And basically you pay big bucks to have them put your story, photos, and info up on three websites. And the wait for singles is two years with 11% statistic of the birth moms opting to parent their own child after birth. This is the dance you do. With WACAP, if you get into the program, the wait is 18 months to 2 years with 20-30% of birth moms choosing to parent their own children.
And we get to watch that Selfish WOMAN who just had 8 more when she had 6 at home she couldn't even manage and she doesn't have a job and energy......
WHEN DO THE GOOD GUYS WIN?????!!!!?????I ONE OF THE GOOD GUYS!!!
I have another call I will make today to a number one of my sisters gave me.

Snowing lightly mixed with rain. Cozy fire.Good coffee. Working on Reading Assessments.
Busy weekend around the cottage. A few projects off the home-do list--French doors installed between the cabin room and the lavendar room, the doorknob in the kitchen fixed, the hardwood floor mended, the heating vent redirected, the striped chair fixed, and pancakes mixed by a two year old, and then an hour dishwashing session with same two year old and some fine walks and talks at the locks and the beach and the park with two-year olds mom.Two year old's dad did all the fine work around the home while mama did her mom thing. Can't tell who is working harder---It was a busy, cozy time. And now on with the next round of tasks--painting that room and sealing the door, not in that order. I almost have my voice back. Didn't for Book Group. Don't know what thigns will be like in secondgradeland today. Better than in a certain preK on one hill over. I am chuckling on the inside thinking about what will happen over there today. Now, more coffee, please.

RuePaul on Feis Crack...or is it CRAIC?!?
Rogha (say RAU-uh) is Irish for "choice" or "the best".
I believe I will put the two together.
Still sick I am. But it is now fair to middling.
Would like to run away on a ferryboat today and keep on running for a wee bit until I stop for a cup of tea.
Until then, a cup of tea, in bed, with dog and stacks of math papers to correct will do.

Read through and added some to my Gratitude Journal. Note to Self. Keep writing in it. Been at it since 2001. Better in some ways than a photo album.

I just accepted a gig to call a ceilidh for the Sakura-Con which is in April. They are having a Celtic-themed bash this year. Himself, Hans Araki, and friends will be the featured musical guest. I am to get the costumed Anime folks up dancing but not to be boring because apparently this is not good when they get restless.
Thanks to the folks who passed on the opportunity. I am grateful.
I am now beginning to access my idea of a Celtic-Jedi-Warrior-Princess-Thing. Definitely will have to check out the wigs, hair glue, sock tan, and bedazzling supplies at the upcoming feis to create this costume. I intend to be Rue Paul on Feis Crack.

Oim sick. Ahz gots the cruhd.
Finally, i have been contagioned. And after a full week of activities at school and getting through one mishap after another with report cards. But it's done. I feel done. I will be better. Tomorrow. Little buggers.