Mississippi Moments

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Favorable determination! That is what the Dept. of Homeland Security has determined that it is for one orphan and moi.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

You wanna know another moment of bliss?
outside. Early but not too early morning-just about when the world is beginning to move but the birds have quieted a bit.
Warm, dewy backyard bathed in eastern sunlight, kicking the soccer ball around with the puppy and coming to that part of your bowl of your favorite cereal where it's mostly milk with a tad of sugar in it---and you tip the bowl to slurp it up and when you're finished, you look up and you catch Puppy's happy eyes and grin...and behind that, God's.

Monday, May 28, 2007

More bliss, please...
Our walk this morning at Shilshole was all that and more...do you ever get into those moods where you do or don't want to be one-on-one with the person in your head? This was one of those early mornings when I just wanted to take a walk with Me because I knew it wouldn't be a shouting match or a wishfest or a whine-a- rama. It would just be Us sharing and listening and taking whatever time we wanted to breathe in the salt-infused breeze, to drink in the best grande latte in our own cup with a handle to hook to our belt when we were finished with it and the soft morning light on the glassened waters of the marina and the dimpled waters of the sound. The quiet morning caressed life into awakening across the way and along the hillside. Osprey circled and circled, then folded wings into the upside down version of what 7 year olds look like when they are in the middle position and are trying to learn how to hold their arms for the beginner three-hand reel. The drop. splash, and reel away with glittering, wiggling fish in tow, all done in one swell foop or one swell swoop or one fell swoop, depending on whose perspective you were taking on the whole endeavor. Magic. Bliss. Grace. Wow.
Then there were the herons this morning, three that I could count, flying, hunting, walking, waiting and holding. The tide was quite low this morning and there was a lot of bird energy and activity. When Squishy and I reached the end near the restored wetlands, we stopped at the beach edge where I like to build labyrinths, sit, and watch. Today was sit, watch, and be wonder-filled at all that was. The smooth, rhythmic ripples of the water, the grey and azurine fusion, the skydances of the hummingbirds vying for territoire, the haggard screeches of the adolescent crows and starlings, the myriad of other seabirds wheeling, diving, settling, drifting...Squishy digging, leaping, and then eating sticks and sand...and then he settled into the cave between my legs and just looked out, that alert sitting up straight stance that Shelties all have..and it was at that precise moment that I felt Fiona on me left and Sadie on my right and Squishy and me au centre...looking out at that space, place, and grace....
We met a few other List-worthies-
-the young woman named Yvonne who was taking launch fees who was reading Emotional Intelligence for her elementary education class.
-the 2 year-old shitz-something named Tino/Bubba who broke away from his person to come over and say hi and play
-the 13 month old brindle pitbull boxer mix named Angel who came over to play
-the 15 year old grey-sprinkled, silver Aussie who we continue to meet just about everytime and who transforms into "puppy" for a few sacred, beautiful moments when he and Cedar meet each time
- the kid with his shovel and dumptruck already deep into his work by 8 o'clock and his parents who were snuggled onto a nearby bench smiling at the scene
-the couple who had walked all the way from the Totem Fish place around to the beach, who made a fire and were sipping coffee and watching the morning unfold while nestled into one another
-the older woman with a pair of mini-schnauzer things who had something to say about us walking by (the dogs not the lady) and her gently chiding way of talking them back into quiet, cohesive meandering instead of the mouthy stretchfest we had caused.
-having a relaxed conversation with My Self about anything...and everything.
Squishy has discovered spiders (to sniff, leap, then eat), sand (to dig, leap, then eat), stripped bamboo rods (to chase, leap, then eat), and blueberry scones (back to sniff, leap, then eat). (An aside-I like how somethings are just so perfectly circular and cyclical). Then it's onto the windowseat to preview Squishy TV. He really likes recycling trucks, crows, and the occasional stroller. He has learned to notify me when the silent tea kettle is boiling and I am working on something. That's a handy talent. He doesn't like peek-a-boo but our version is more like the bears in the bed and the little one said roll over and he leaps laterally and then the bear in the bed rolls back the other way just ot make him leap back the way we used to try and leap over the big waves at Point No Point. That was a fun game. This is a fun game. Occasionally the bear moves and he doesn't and we both laugh hysterically. He hiccups when that happens.
Ohps, from yesterday..the one other Polaroid of the Perfect Now-
Pulp Fiction Meets Josephine Baker...now before your mind starts to click and whirr with too much, allow me to paint an image because I never have a camera when I want it and besides the perspective I want is never possible because I am in the moment and outside of it being nourished and humored by it in the very same breath...and then it's gone.
Before we danced, the Aunties, the Mommy, were gathered in a semi-circle behind the stage. The magic is on and we are readying to dance...the Papa is onstage and with Grandma-mi, Daddy and Caitlin...and the energy is rising. Little Miss Rowan can hold still about the same amount of time Squishy can when there is a hose or a blueberry scone involved (nada at all)...and she starts to move within this little circle of love and Black Tara Ladies---the one snapshot of v-across-eyes-into-camera moment from Pulp Fiction and the powered ease and lionine turn and spin-ooze-invite-giggle of Josephine Baker (still attired and leopard-free). Add a couple of thrashed hardshoe beats with a semi-toothless grin and the confidence of knowing you are free in your world to dance....I caught it! It was priceless and never need happen again.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Rowan had the crowds ROARING at Folklife this year!
Our shows were well received and drew fairly large crowds. Sat. night was the night of the best of the beer garden in addition to the listeners who gathered to jam with the McKassons and Sunday drew the Magical Strings faithful. Our new outifts are classy, simple and cool. The Tara jackets with our names make me feel like one of the Pink Ladies in Grease except we are the Black, Gold, and Green Ladies. I am in great shape right now on the outside and that is making a huge difference in how I perceive myself when I am dancing and how things fit and how I breathe...I can, fairly easily. I was uptight about meeting N-I didn't nor did I sense him. Today I spent the rest of the day poking around here, playing with LIttle Man, watching old and bad movies (the first Pink Panther and the Ugly Dachsund-both a waste of my time)...the Ugly D- was funny when I was a kid but since the humor of the entire movie is based on stupid people who leave their new puppies unsupervised around dangerous and unaccaptable playthings for dogs, I couldn't get past the first 20 minutes...pathetic and then there is a cop in the movie who laughs uproariously at the idea of dogs actually being "the family"...get a grip, you jerk! What do you think dogs are????? The best one was watching the first part of a Channel 9 documentary on the Windsors. I learned a whole lot more today about the dysfunctional patterns in that family, most reflected in how they treat their children, how Edward the VII was NOT a nice guy...he was a Nazi sympathizer and so was Wallace Simpson. Had he remained King, there would have been a very different outcome to WWII. Planned to mow today but the wet kept that at bay...can't say I was disappointed. I needed to have a complete day to myself. I ended up going to Thai with Julie after the show and it was a desire come true after several months, maybe years. We enjoyed ourselves...or at least, I did. I won't speak for her. I am so glad her work and other things are bringing her satisfaction and life...maybe will will see Miz Jooleee in Jonestown in a couple of summers. Well, Squishy is trying to make a bathroom rug into several pieces so I must go intercept him. As Sunday is grooming day, we have already had a "battle" about who really is TOP DOG. It's the bitch with too much hairgel in her locks, the one with the prehensile adaptation who can therefore use the scissors, and the one with the treats in her pockets......

Saturday, May 26, 2007

There is therapy...and then there is therapy.
Special day-glo 7 year old art spattered sweatshirt, new lavendar (I am informed "menopause lavendar"--sigh) boots, ubiquitous cup of perfect coffee, Squishy who spent 4+hours of the previous evening going toe to toe, I mean, paw to paw with his orange poodle friend, Jack, gardening tools, and a very early, quiet morning to clear an area in the side garden that I haven't touched since I did it a year ago and spent the same kind of morning with Fiona, she, sleepily, contentedly resting under her rubus plant except when she would amble over to plop herself smack dab in the small area of earth that I was trying to detangle of old bluebells and whitebells. This morning was a kind of communing with that beautiful old spirit. I am missing her so. It was tender to be doing this this morning as I remember and hold that it is, indeed, almost a complete turning of the wheel and the seasons since she was reborn. There is also the holding of my garden tools from being stolen by this fox-dog who also likes to eat chunks of coals that turn up in the earth. He likes to gnaw on the butterfly bush trunk and plant himself smack dab in the small area of the garden that I am trying to clear....kind of reminds me of someone. When I look into his eyes, there is something there in them and between us that is SO right that I have no words. Me, no words....

Then there is going to a therapist who gets it. Who can give more examples and her own connection and experience of life skills and "middles" to truth, awareness, striving, intending, grieving, and exploring..."embodied creativity" is a powerful phrase...said same therapist also has great ideas for role playing strategies, body language, and movement to be authentic to one's own need and desire to be safe AND a person of peace. There is a way of being in the world (at least at Folklife) where if one runs into one's ex-husband, one doesn't have to promote more discord in the Universe by saying the first thing that consistently comes into one's head and mouth (insert bad words) which brings me to my next therapy...
Sitting in a room with sisters, 4 of them and one in our hearts, minds and conversations, and having a couple of them volunteer to speak the words for me----and having them get it and respect it when I say that it won't be necessary. Then there is the therapy of dancing in the living room at Grandma's (Brigie and Coli's house, a.k.a. Somerset House on Lynn). When I couldn't remember right from left, front from back, up from down on Tuesday at the room at Phinney, put me in that happy place with my sisters, the pink rug, the idiosyncracies of creative, powerful, love-defined, irreverently women of the same mother and my body and mind relaxed and I "knew" all my steps, the music, my dances, my rhythm, my way...

And then there is the weedwhacker...at it for hours. After successfully and confidently going to Home Depot to get replacement spools. I whacked...and whacked...and whacked...then I swept and slept to a boring video of the Windsor Royal Family.
Have to go find a sports bra (my sisters say I can't dance if I don't wear one) and black tights. Tonight will be fun if I don't pass out because it's past my bedtime by 40 minutes.

Friday, May 25, 2007

It's a small wooden box. With some cheap brass overlay. Pretty beat up. It belonged to my great grandpa, Pop. The smoker with the overalls, black, slick-backed hair, knobby fingers, undecipherable eyes, rocking chair man who loved my mother something fierce. I don't know what he kept in it, but I keep some junk and some precious stuff. I would like to simplify down to something like the LIttlest Angel-dog collars from dear old dead dogs, a rock or two, a dried flower, a claddagh that used to mean something...I keep words in there, too.

"You can't figure me out. I can't figure me out. It's Life, Sidda.
You don't figure it out. You just climb up on the beast and ride" (Ya-Ya's-p. 47)

" She cried. At the beauty of what she had stumbled onto, at the fear that something terrible would happen because she was not vigilant enough.
She cried at the fear of something so good that she would not be brave enough to bear it." (Ya-Ya's-p. 22)

"Let me see my daughter like my mother could never see me. Let her see me, too." (Ya-Ya's-p. 20)

I am going to add a shell or two from the shores of Iona, some of my own words, and some doghair from present puppy.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

John, same one who was imprisoned on Pathos Island, wrote that God will wipe away our tears...
I like how Max Lucado describes it...
"The same hands that stretched the heavens will touch your cheeks.
The same hands that formed the mountains will caress your face.
The same hands that curled in agony as the Roman spike cut through will someday cup your face
and brush away your tears. Forever." (From "The Applause of Heaven").

It's a juicy, verdant day. Squishy is still laid back from his voraciously active day yesterday with the Airedale Crewe (getting ready for Jonestown with the Southern spelling:)...
Been up since 4 and happy about it-totally rested. There's something about going to bed at 7pm. Enjoy it while I can, right!?
I'm checking some things out-applying to schools for my doctorate, appointments to arrange financing, finding an architect for some potential add-on here at Fair Isle. If Mom and Dad could do it with 9 kids, then I can with just one Squishy.
Might even be in the market for a room-mate, a real one, not a......

Sunday, May 20, 2007

The Medieval Women's concert last night was out of this world. In every sense.
Picture yourself in a sacred space, a place, time, experience, impression, or feeling in which there is only Oneness, Fusion with the Source, The Peace. Imagine and sense the flow of Healing, Hope, Peace, Love, and Potentiality (Greening) slipping around and through your Being. The tastes, textures, scents, scenes all speak to your Heart of Time standing still and what the Greeks called "Kairos". That was the concert last night. And Turi looked beautiful---there is a joy and light about her when she sings. It was nourishing to be there and sharing with friends-Val, Avis, Bernard, Joan and Jane. We are already talking season tickets for next year's season which purports to be stunning. I am thinking my parents would like tickets for a Christmas present. The ending of the concert was surreal---all the women standing around the altar in various guises and hues of red, their voices twisting and blending in a fountain of energy and life bridging across a milennia and the lights fading out until only the deep reds of the textile art from the ceiling were highlighted. The effect was profound.

Stopped by the Gallaghers 'music and dance gathering last night. Those are so life-giving and so much fun. Wish we could have stayed but can't be two places at one time. I always enjoy being around and talking with Alicia Gunn. Not only is she an elf or old-soul fairy in human garb, she has this open heart, open spirit about her that draws you in and makes you feel totally at home with or without a cup of tea in hand. That's just how she is. On top of that, she is an amazing dancer and teacher. She is now pursuing a dream of teaching dance and facilitating sean-nos dancing in the manner of the olden days' dance masters-with workshops and dance lessons from town to town and time to time. I hope it goes and I support her in this. Sean-nos dancing is what step-dancing once was...expressive, playful, grounded, flexible, non-harming and corsetting, stylistically folk, and just plain fun. It's hard, too, so if you want to build dendrytes (sp?) and go for the healthy-brain thing, sean-nos is for you! I plan to do more.

Squishy and I went for a walk in the wind and spit-rain at Shilshole this morning. Sea-birds, Canadian geese, a heron, lots of small songbirds, some folks walking, some folks biking, some folks picking up trash off the beach, a couple of other dogs, boats heading out for a day on the water, me, my dog, and my monkey-mind. And a cup of coffee.

Harp-Boy is a no go. Glad to have almost finished "He's Not That Into You". It's good to know that they exist out there, on my street even. And I told him so and left it at that. Got the polite reply back. Moving on.

Don't know what I want or where I want to be. This Cloud of Unknowing. Holy Ground. Tried a few steps down a couple of different paths and found that the Universe said "Nope". Okay, let's try another one. Not sure where or what now. When I get quiet inside and ask, I get the Doctorate piece rather strongly. Ok. I also get the "Quit your job and live VERY simply for awhile so you can listen and breathe. Ok. Thinking about that one. My first "sabbatical" wasn't one. Just because you call a cat a ladybug doesn't make it so. Also when I think about writing a book, a story in my own manner somewhat shadowly like Annie LaMott, I get that same clear picture and peace. My Dreams are confirming this. Although last night, I was so deep into somwhere, I have no recollection...which isn't usual. Those are the nights I know I am being instructed. I like that kind of "night school"... I always am so completely rested.

For now, it's off to do some school work. Then to Emily's First Holy Communion. Time to play with Squishy and then it's to the U street fair to help with the harp booth and then out to dinner with the harp camp family.
p.s. I love toasted cheese sandwiches and soup.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

I am plum worn out.
Three hour nap worn out.
And it's raining again. It was this morning when Squishy and I walked down to the video store to return Cinderella III. Interesting plot-almost redeeming if Disney could offer something of that ilk. This coming from a woman who used to spend her weekends in the winter at Disneyland and who dragged a naval flight officer back into line to watch and rewatch the Beauty and the Beast stageshow many times there. That man loved me. Actions roar.
I'm into roaring at the moment.
Just finished a book that roars on so many levels. Eating Heaven by Jennie Shortridge. Some of it was hard to swallow. The eating disorder stuff. Really close to home. "Past" home in action but not feelings and challenges.
Went back to therapy this morning. Right on track. Check-ins are important so I can continue to grow the skills and perspective for this Life-Dance. Have a few things on my plate at the moment.
Had another Dream last night...after thinking about it on the morning saunter, it made perfect sense. It works for me when the inner world and the outer world are congruent.
I'm looking into financing options to go back to school, maybe full time. I need to study and pass the math section on the GRE. Will start that when I am in MIssissippi. Need to get on the lesson plans for that thing---Scarlett moment-I'll think about that tomorrow.
Going to the Medieval Women's Concert tonight with Hildegarde's music. Been waiting a year for that.
This afternoon, I cleared the section of the backyard garden that is my "harp corner" next to the laceleaf and the rubus shrub under which Fiona used to lay (and Sadie when she could get any downtime there). The rubus on my side of the fence is dead. Uprooted in the December windstorm. I started cutting it out today and clearing. I planted some carnations from France. Squishy was "helping" and interfering a lot..which I find delightful. He is such a stinky boy-dog. I replayed in my mind that great song by Sugarland-"Settling"....all about not. I am holding some fair bit of fear right now--- what will come down the pike this June 12-14 to kiss ass on my heart and soul...I am hoping nothing. 2004-Neil gone. Still having trouble in quiet ways with that one. 2005-Sadie gets sick and it's time for her to go. 2006- Fiona, Darling Battleaxe- it's time and she goes. 2007-who's going this year? Genevieve was enough. Whom that I love is going to go this year? I wish I could have some hope and energy but I just don't, can't. It's not depressing, it's just a what-is. I wish I wasn't nauseous all the time now..and it ain't the flu. And I'm not pregnant.I am just afraid. I think the Fear Dance is crap. That's why teaching dance with my sisters and doing yardwork and spending time with Little Man are so important. They reconnect me to what is REAL. Time for another walk in the rain. That's real, too.

Friday, May 18, 2007

1. Children learned something today.
2. No one threw up...wait that's not true. No one passed out. Wait, that's not true either. I didn't throw up. Yes, that's true. I didn't pass out. That's true, too.
3. It was fun teaching down the hall from Mith R #5. Most wanted to know if she was older than me. I said yes.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

First thought of the day: We are formed to be Goodness and Light in this world.
Second thought of the day: Cedar is not housetrained yet when I bring him over to the Golden Dog's home.Damn site embarrassing. Will work on that.
Third thought: I'm lonely.
Fourth thought: Not in the sense of that Bridget Jones' scene where she's having a drunkfest and a songfest before she Chaka-Khan's her ass and attitude into a more positive place.
Fifth thought: More in the way of it would be nice to have someone to snuggle with at night, to lean on, to hold hands with, to whine with, to dream with, to laugh with...
Sixth thought: I ain't settlin'.
Seventh thought: Squishy is great but he ain't what I am talking about.
Eighth thought: Sleeping in has its benefits.
Ninth thought: It's amazing how spending time with people you trust can heal hurting places in your body. I mean hurting. And I mean people you TRUST. How letting that be and work in you, being able to share core stuff, having it heard and understood ( very important to anyone but especially a 4), being able to leave it in that sacred space because nothing else needs to happen around it and it has been Held as have You, something sloughs off--pain and ache and contracted energy. And believe you me, I can "see" this stuff on myself just like on everyone else and the sloughing is a melange of green-grey-blue-black-purple-white-mold oozing and flaking off to be transmuted into Healing Energy.
Tenth thought: I have found My Voice. This summer I believe I shall learn what to DO with It.
One more thought: Cedar loves his gi-normous new-to-him crate. So do I.
Eleventh thought; I am going to Iona this summer. For real.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Cedar had a fun day today and yesterday.
I didn't quit my job. Thought about it. Very hard. Saw the principal. Had some questions answered. Raised some more that couldn't be answered. Have to trust my gut. Feeling like a coward because I cried while making my points about a colleague...but I made my points. About my truth. I'm not berating myself but I make a lousy Christian. I'm glad like to learn because this is going to be a long haul breaking and remaking these pieces of my Heart, Will, and Life. I like to hold hands while I'm learning, too. Glad Jesus does, too. No one has to understand this because I do.

I quit counting after 8 herons yesterday--counting the ones at Shilshole, Pine Lake, and the wetlands by the UW.

Still feeling bad in waves, head in a bucket times....it comes and goes.
I am excited about Folklife this year. I am in pretty good shape on the inside and the outside:).

Very thankful to have had time with family of origin and family of choice yesterday. Came home to a huge fuschia basket on the front porch from one of the families at school wishing me Happy Mother's Day. It made me cry.

Talked with the adoption counselor today. I heard right. It will be 3 years for a healthy girl. Would I consider Hepatitis B or HIV positive....that is what is mostly available for "waiting children"...we talked about just a kid to love....there are many options there....we will talk more.

I read a poem today called "Divine Chaos"..."This is your gentle reminder that you are not in control, that someone is looking out for you, wanting to get your attention-and, most importantly, that when life does not go as planned, it is, always, is a good thing. It has changed your perspective; it has given you an open door to meet someone new, let someone help you and reconnect you to life."

Well, Universe, my Love, I am already plugged in and reconnected. It doesn't get anymore ready than this. I am not getting any younger. My Heart, my Life, my Everything is OPEN for this........BRING IT ON!

We got the grant for the summer school program in Mississippi for this year. This is a good thing. The bad thing is the staff down there didn't take me seriously when I said I wasn't going to be the only adult in the water this year for the swimming lessons. I told Miz Sister Teresa that she needed to have a staff meeting at the Super Wal-MArt in Clarkesdale and get those girls/ladies some swimsuits....

Friday, May 11, 2007

So I've had my head in the toilet or the other half of me on it every 20-25 minutes since I came home from work yesterday afternoon and was changing into my clothes to teach dance with Sara at my favorite place (Phinney) when...onmygoodness, not so good...hard, rough night...and I'm pissed because I couldn't go to Genevieve's funeral or burial today. I have held sacred space and kept a candle lit for part of the day... I managed to keep a cup of weak tea down and some dry toast. Really want some form of veggie chicken soup...will manage that later. I didn't get to go on the field trip to Tillicum Village today either and that had been one of the perks for teaching 4th grade...as you know, this year hasn't been my favorite but I have tried to groove with things and keep an open mind and attitude. Life is just better that way. I've messed up, too. Glad for that. I am learning. It means I am truly, honestly alive. which brings me to a phone call today from the new adoption agency. MY adoption counselor called to see where things were with the gov't paperwork. I told her the fingerprinting went fine on Monday and that I even met another family who was in almost the same boat as me (China switching to Vietnam) but they are staying with the original agency that I was with and are going to be one of the "pioneer families" going to Vietnam. We even made a playdate for our kids to get together in 2-3 years. I was totally HAPPY because it was the first REAL THING that has happened in ages....then the call today. The real news was that the main office in St. Louis has been evaluating the trickle of referrals coming from Vietnam, and it is a trickle--but okay, someday the faucet might open up more)...she said she wanted me to know that it is going to be MORE THAN TWO YEARS FOR A REFERRAL(After I get on the waiting list-which doesn't happen until the US gov't gives the okay which should be in 6 weeks) and then it is 9-12 months after that before we go to get baby. How's that for news. My first response was--more time to get the room ready, more time to take classes, more time...blah, blah, blah. I told her not to call me again unless she has happy news for me because I was tired of these kinds of calls. She said okay. I told her I wouldn't call unless I had happy news to brighten her day. So, I am too sick to think about this right now but in between ralphs last night, I had a dream where they were handing out green jello bits that would make you pregnant. I was the last one to think about it and then I took and ate four knowing that I would be pregnant faster than the jello could make it to my stomach. I'll be 48 the way things are going before there is a child in this house....when I feel better, I'm going to make some decisions. This is shit. I was invited by a family from school yesterday to go to Eithiopia with them this summer.....................

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

The best of all worlds right here...this morning while walking HIs Squishiness, the mist off the water was slightly tainted with that distinctive Ballard salt air...just so...just home..and then there was the flashback to walking Her Fierceness and the Princess back in our neighborhood in Fredericksburg, Virginia which happened to be right behind a still working dairy farm...that eau de cowshit...and it was right here in Ballard this morning with all the weekend gardeners embellishing their little plots of NW prairie...it doesn't get better than that.

And one more thing..I came out of denial about something really important..I am officially middle-aged and I looked at those crazy, longer than all the rest, wildly curly eyebrow hairs this morning--that only happen on women of a certain age and I acknowledged they were there...and then they weren't!
I go forth with Love today...and a Grateful Heart.....and doghair.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

I don't know how to attach links but if you want to learn about this incredible woman and some of what she brought to the world, our world, read the seattle pi today online about the woman who died on road she was trying to improve. There is so much love...
Some things make no sense...
like Genevieve's death on Highway 2. My heart is shaking my head "NO" in disbelief and shock.
My heart grieves for Clyde, her soul mate and for the family. Our family.
Well, she'll go right to the Source to get something done about Death Highway now...

We finished testing all last week.
I am slightly demoralized about work right now. Something's going on with me. I am not being overly self-analytical...quite the opposite. But this 4 dance gets to be a drag once in awhile. So, I spent most of the morning and this afternoon getting my hands very dirty pulling grass and weeds and getting to know the garden again. Stopped for a vanilla soda and some puppy playtime and getting ready for a nap.
I guess malaise happens.
I enjoyed bookgroup last night.
I have a hankering to eat at Denny's this weekend. What is that about?

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

I wonder if it is against the "rules" to live your bliss through your dog?!?
So, that's what this week is.
And hanging with the sisters.
Oh, an challenging one of the dance classes with some back click stuff and watching how they seemed to grow taller with confidence as the "GOT IT".
And, sensing the energy of a constipated classroom because of testing change INSTANTLY when it was time to woodwork and build two and three masted ships for the rest of the morning. Yay, us!
And a harried principal sticking her head in and then hearing a huge sigh and going out in the hall to find out if I still have a job, finding out with these words--"Oh, I just LOVE the energy in this classroom. It is so open, freeing, and alive!" (She's 4, too and a very high N on the Myers-Briggs.) That felt good.
And showing up to dance anyway even though I feel fat. (And am but I can't seem to do anything about it right now and oh, well.) It will shift again and I'm not giving it any quality energy other than working out with gentleness, consistency and humor...oh, and 51/2 pull-ups. Yay, me! I want 10. Full chin past the bar ups. Gonna get there, too, maybe not just before Jonestown.
I called on the courage I needed to step up to the plate and right a wrong at school. I had created the wrong and had behaved badly. Didn't quite know what I did, but knew I had. I owned it. Asked forgiveness. Took steps to right it. Felt the peace that comes from non-avoidance and growing. Sometimes this learning stuff sucks at first, but then it doesn't it. And I didn't lose myself in the process.
I have this strange little practice now that works for me. When I am "chewing" on something (monkeymind)-you ALL know what I mean--and I can't breathe it out, walk it out, laugh it out, cry it out, whatevah---I yell "BONE" and I visualize holding it above my head and here comes a divebombing angel to pick it up and take it to the cosmic recycler in the sky...sometimes this "BONE!" action will happen in the double digits progressively but pretty soon, there will be a peace and the chew factor will recede or disappear for awhile. It has been like that for the past couple of days. Bone works.
A funny thing happened on the playground recently. Two first graders, as cute as can be, were in tears and obviously looking for a tattle-listener. IT was me. I had the glow in the dark vest on and stood out...I also love first graders and they know it...
"Teacher! Teacher! Teacher! He--he-he called me a name! (Serious, tear-stained in solidarity friend nods head in support and says quietly--"He did.") Oh, says I. I am so sorry that happened to you. That is a bummer. You look sad. (She shakes head. No words. She is waiting for more sympathy and then for action...I wait, keeping eye contact more or less. Then in a heavy-sighing voice she says, He called me "AN ELF!" I said "An elf?" Yes. And the tears start again. Oh, I got all golden inside and I said....He's right. And I am so lucky to know you. (Big eyes. Tears stop. Curiosity kicks in.) 'Why?" I said. You don't know any elves do you? (BOth shake heads non). I said, well, I have a sign in my garden that says "Elves Welcome." They are friends to the fairies. They are curious. They love to be outside. They are very good friends and they take good care of animals. They like to sing and play. They like to grow things. They like to make things. They love Mother Earth and kind people...then I was quiet. Elf One and Elf Two look at one another. No tears. Then BIG smiles. Then at me. "Really?" I said, REALLY. Elf Two takes Elf One's hands and says, "Let's go make something"...No, I wanna sing. Let's sing. Okay?"

My new motto: "Let's make something...no, I wanna sing. Okay?"
I am looking forward to Book Group on Friday. I am looking forward to working some more in my garden. Squishy "helped" with the raised bed and I took him for his first car ride without the crate tonight. It was just backing up and bak in the driveway but he did fine...with the right treats. I just love Magical Strings' Beneath the Moon...