Mississippi Moments

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Sundays are sometimes hard.
Today was one of those. They just seem kind of lonely when I get quiet and between tasks or napping or walking.
I'm not complaining. I am quite aware and content with the choices I have made in the past and how the natural consequences, like lonely Sunday afternoons, are here because of those choices. And I'm fine with that. I wouldn't change a thing and I wouldn't sell myself short by accepting less than what was life-giving and truth-filled in my most important relationships. What I'm really trying to say is I miss Neil a lot on these first cozy, wet, winter-portent Sundays in the early fall and I miss my girls. Fiona's birthday is tomorrow. She will be 16 in earth years where she is now. I wonder how they celebrate in eternity. I'll find out when I get there.
It has been a cozy day. I've had a fire going since the wee hours.
Another night of strange dreams.
I learned how to cook real rice today. I also made the kitchen smell good by cooking up a real Surridge-style breakfast, complete with veggie sausage and everything in an old skillet. Seemed like the right thing to do.
Cedar and I had a lovely long wet walk in the rain this afternoon and a couple of short games of Sheltie ball. I enjoyed doing yardwork on Friday afternoon. I enjoyed spending time with the fam-damily on Sat. night in Maude's kitchen. Somethings don't change and don't need to. Even Loolie came. Lovely.
I did make it down to the Adoptive Parent support group this afternoon. I don't know how to explain it but it is becoming painful to go. Has been for the last 6 months. I'm certainly not the only wannabee. And the women there are good women. Hardworking women coming for support and time together. It was neat to see the 14 month old Vietnamese little girl of one of the other mothers waddling around. She will be almost 3 years old before my child is here...maybe.
We did a life-giving exercise for our check-in this time. We were asked to make a list of all the women and men who have influenced us the most in how and what we value and want to pass on to our children. It was a fun thing to do on a rainy afternoon. I'm going to put mine in my journal. The lovely thing is that I could have gone on and on because there are so many who have gifted my life and what I value and who are still the Gift today. My village is quite in place, for me, for my child, for all of us.
One thing made me sad today. The one pitbull with whom I have had positive contact had to be put down for killing a smaller dog. The other pitbull with whom he was adopted is being evaluated, but the family isn't hopeful that she will be kept alive.
She was part of the melee, they just haven't pinpointed how much. I'm just glad it wasn't a kid involved. SO, yes, I am species-ist. I cannot tolerate pitbulls. Anytime. I am sad for the family-of Charlie, the pit pup, the family of the smaller dog (these are friends who had agreed to keep Charlie and his sister-pit for four months until their owner could come back and make arrangements for them to come to Ireland where they are now living.)And something triggered Charlie in the backyard and that was it for the smaller dog. Sad. very sad. And I am carrying a walking stick again when I walk with Squishy--and a very powerful can of mace. I hope never to have to use it.
What is the appeal of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies? Someone 'splain this to me, please. I was happy to have been given the chance to view #2. Did so. It gave me a headache there was so much to see all at once. Give me Katharine Hepburn anyday.
Dad'll enjoy them I'll take them by this week for him.
Must get to some hemming and ironing afore the week begins. It is not so crazy this week. I think but I really haven't checked the calendar yet. This cold is giving me a very tight neck and shoulders.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Check these out.

I have a cold. So does half of the strong-willed little people in the Learning Home.
Survived yesterday. Long day. Finished around 9 pm last night. I just can't seem to get enough sleep.
We start again today. Cotton in my head and mouth. Need to stuff it up my nose and soak it in honey for my throat.
And...look at those sunflowers...what else is growing around this Home garden? What else can we grow? Hmm.....
Cedar also sent an email to school yesterday from dogcare. He and Dave were covered in dirt. They had been digging. He tells me he hates daycare. We shall see. He looked pretty happy, even with the dirt crumbling off his tongue onto the step.
And Do, Doo, and Due...
Had an unbelievable set of long walks and sharings over the weekend. It was another Dream come true to walk to the fish ladder from Fair Isle and back. with dog. and friend. we did. Do you ever set stuff up in your head and then wish to make it come true so you know you can do it but you never do? That's what had been happening and now it's "Do" time. And yesterday morning was "Doo" time...I have been so careful about cleaning up the backyard EVERYTIME..and I thought I had been but alas, NON! And like some forms of depression, red hair, green eyes, and bad cramps at moontime, I have also inherited the Surridge "radar feet syndrome" which unfortunately happened during the 4:30 am Sheltie ball game..which happens before the 6 am workout at Curves. The good thing is that I have soccer shoes which work for workout and walks until I can clean others. And those nice people at the bank gave me $6000 even though I told them I dropped out of school for the time being. Must get that back to them before the end of the month Due day. That was nice of them, though, and I'm glad that I did learn to jump through all of those financial aid hoops. About a million ot them.
It's much nicer to grow sunflowers and dream about growing other things...
check with Sara and Brenin and Rowan...they are.....:) saw the ultrasound pictures yesterday....oh the wee spine and hand.....

Monday, September 24, 2007

All is well.Squishy is asleep.
And there are sunflowers growing in my garden.
Full moon on Wednesday.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

A couple of observations-
* Boys like to jump on the beds, burp, eat dirt and play soccer in house-I don't care how many legs they have. It's fun and I love it. More on Saturday mornings when we don't have stuff we're committed to than on Thursdays,say, at 6 am. :)
*I love going through old journals and checking off the things I wanted to come true or to fruition and now they have. NOt from chance but from attention, intention, trust, and action - of doing or letting go so it can manifest. I mean check out the sunflowers brightening the garden around here! Wow!
*Had two more of those Dream-Dreams the past couple of nights-all about taking care of Self and Beloveds and not letting distractions or other crap get in the way. I just hate when one of my exes shows up as one of the main characters. I need to relanguage what they mean when I decide to watch "Sleepless in Seattle". It cracks me up but I always wake up feeling lonely and I don't like it and it isn't the Truth for me. I like being partner-free for now. It's the healthiest thing for me. Maybe for the rest of my natural life.
*I plan to spend the day living it and not writing about it. So enjoy. We are.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Gloria got her miracle today...she is with Jesus in Heaven.
My prayers are with her family and friends and community and us....
and with Diana, her friend with brain cancer who was readmitted to the hospital today.
Gonna go walk Greenlake with Squishy and thank God for all the miracles and teachers, esp. Gloria.
A quiet misty day.
A happy dog.
A cup of mediocre but very hot coffee.
A mediocre but quick workout.
A catch-up session of correcting papers in bed with mediocre coffee and quiet misty music and happy dog.
Thinking on friends, sisters, sunflowers, old RVs, and how I wouldn't change anything.
And laughing to my Self and the Universe because that is exactly the only thing that is sure to happen. ;)
And happy with that, too.
And the pimples that are gracing my face at my age because everything is still working right on schedule and in the same working ways. Wonder what THAT change will be like?
Off to shower and work.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

And I'm glad Mary J. is back home. Except, I really love to think about what she's doing and the fun she's having while she's out doing it. That's another one of those things that doesn't get any better than.....:)
The sunset was so beautiful over the sound tonight against the Olympics, that I had to pull off the road on the way to pick up Squishy from dogcare and just breathe it in. It doesn't get better than that-when your heart is so full with the beauty of the moment and the gratitude for being where you are at that moment that you can't concentrate on your driving.
Tonight's dance classes were like that-all 3 hours worth. I can't tell you why, but it was a pleasure. I just loved being focused, balanced, supportive, and team teaching. That just works for me. And Squishy was having a ball hunting rats with Dave and Queen Alice. HE doesn't really know how to hunt, but he can follow along and make the right noises. Thank Heavens, he hasn't learned to disassemble aluminum gutterpipes yet to get at rats. Well, I don't relly have any that he could get at anyway--gutterpipes and rats.
I'm not caught up on first grade paperwork yet. I forgot about that. Will get better as I get into this.
I made horrible soup this weekend. I'll get better at that and I'll follow a recipe until I learn how to do it from memory after practice, lots of practice.
I learned that the old-fashioned hand-drill doesn't work on hazel as well as salmonberry and huckleberry. We willswitch to power tools tomorrow for the making of the walking sticks.
So here's to the little snack and the bed that awaits. It's been a good, long day.
Love to all, Erin

Monday, September 17, 2007

For this Day...
Deep peace of waterladen bamboo to you
Deep peace of contented Sheltie-eyes after first breakfast,
Deep peace of Fair Isle's first open sunflowers to you
Deep peace of less than perfect coffee with just the right aroma in the kitchen,
Deep peace of healing tears, cleansing rain in our Hearts to you
Deep peace of Lullabye for a Soul's Journey,
Deep peace of trusting Your Self to you
Deep peace of Flicker call and Starling squabble,
Deep peace of this Day to you....--Eirinn de la Crepuscule

Sunday, September 16, 2007

I read today's earlier entry and I say "aaauuuugh"!
I need to get a life because I think way too much.
Then I think to myself-"Good on ya, EMR, for taking a risk and reaching out to Dr. Nancy."
And today was quiet all day.
I cut up my credit card.
I baked bread.
I made soup.
I made a pasta marinara dish.
I watched/snoozed/worked through two movies-"Emma" and "French Kiss".
I gave Squishy a bath.
We played Sheltie ball inside the house and outside.
I did lesson plans at school.
And I thought a lot about what my therapist said about creating space and holding space. I forget exactly how she put it but the concept was spot-on. Instead of rushing around and taking class this and fulfilling goal that, how about just get quiet. And stay that way.
It worked for Jesus' mother. Why not me? Or you?
A soft rain and a fire in the woodstove,
coffee perking, and puppy chasing after kibble coming out out of his purple Martian toy...it's a peaceful morning.
I like it that way.
And miracles.
Lots going on around this quiet place. But not within it. Or my Head or my Heart.
I withdrew from the doc program. Feels exactly like the right thing to do.
I am not finished with this path but just not right now, in this way.
Had to walk a couple of steps onto the path to find out though and I feel really good about that. Taking the risk.
I also drove to Tacoma yesterday to meet with a mentor that the Universe has gifted me with. It turns out (to my great surprise) that I may be sort of a mentor to her in her life. She was on the Education faculty in the Doc. Dept. at the UW for 30 years until recently. She was originally a first grade teacher. She abhors when children are labeled and boxed into The System just as I do. She does and did much of the research refuting the boxing and labeling. She and her colleagues, many of them doc students that gravitated toward her vision and foci. It turns out she coauthored some of the most important books and studies I have used in my learning and leadership paths over the years. It just didn't click when I met "Nancy" because she was Nana. Her granddaughter was in my class last year, for only four months due to some unfortunate family circumstances. Nana would come in to read and support with the children. On several occasions, Nana stood in the back of the room smiling at me with tears running down her face. And then quickly she would wipe them off and get back to the next child coming back to read. So I knew something was going on with "Dr. K" but until now I haven't had the chance to ask or to listen. So we made plans to meet for coffee. At my fav spot in Ruston. And I asked her why she was crying in the classroom. This was two hours into our visit. She smiled and started to cry again (something she told me she didn't want to do at the beginnning of the visit and something which I said I probably WAS going to do because it was part of the healing gifts of any "turas"--she liked that and said that she would look at it that way, too, (Behind the scenes aside-I read in that wondrous book Brigie gave me yesterday that there are three gifts of healing from the Celtic Welsh perspective-tears, forgetfulness, and laughter...bring 'em on.)So back to the story, she took a deep breath (and I quote), "It is a rare, rare, RARE thing when you come across a teacher who can SEE THE CHILDREN and who BELIEVES in them. AND THEY KNOW IT. And they BELIEVE in themselves.' She made some additional comments about the challenges in the group of students I had last year, and I told her that I had chosen those kids. She said she knew. She also told me that their family witnessed a complete turn about in their daughter/granddaughter that is still there today. She told me that she is forever grateful to me for turning that child ON. She found her light, her joy, her confidence, her sass, her confidence, her truth. That was a powerful and loving thing to hear yesterday. That was the gift for me. And I thought I was just going to be asking questions about the Academic FOcus Plan I had written adn then ask her about some "crazy" ideas I have about children and learning...and those who teach them. Here are some of the things I learned yesterday---
*I am not crazy.
*There are a lot of others out there like me. We haven't found each other yet.
*She said that I need to be part of a Leadership Team so that I can draw others to me. There is power and community in that.
*She said that yes I would need the Ed.D. credentials for this. She also affirmed what I already knew-that I was not in the right program.
*She gave me her recommendations about where to go for this. Funny thing-they matched other research I had already done.
*She called "the (my) classroom"---The Learning Home. (Aiyeeee!!!! Yes! That's what it is! Yes! I have never thought of it that way before! Yes!--and this image comes up for me of the kitchen at 1806 with everything that has gone on there. We saw the ripples of that a couple of weekends ago at the 50th Celebration!) I told her that I have been approached at three different times during my career about starting my own school-in San Diego, in Virginia, and here in Seattle. She looked at me for awhile and she said,"You'll do what you need to do.
*She affirmed my choice for working where I work and why. She then told me that I shouldn't go from there because the kids there need me. I told her that I couldn't consider that a factor anymore. I don't choose to give my energy away like that. She argued that these privileged children would be the leaders and owners of the next generation. I said I know. And it wasn't my job to save them from the toxicity of the Mayberry where I teach. I told her I listen to my Heart, my Head and the Lord's Mother. And that it works for me. She agreed. especially about listening to the Mother. She has our backs.
*She said that I can write. And I can think. Nothing I don't know.
* She acknowledged that I already behave and think like a Teacher-Researcher. This is a good thing, but the even better thing, is that I am learning how to disaggregate the data and think about what to do with it to help students...but not in a linear, meet the standards only, and we're-done-because-they-passed-some-part-of-a-test...and there are a lot of others doing that, too. I just need to read more. Okay. That's always been something I shied away from.I'm lazy that way and most of that stuff is BORING. Now, I am finding that it is giving me words and concepts for things that I have only sensed as this next wave in education (and it is an outdated, broken system) moves toward community-based, "matriarchal-(in the sense that it is inclusive and circular in energy and form), vision-centered, power-shared, stories heard, acknowledged, and honored, data driven for the right reasons with the right tools, child-honored, inclusive, intergenerational, nature/spirit/moral/stewardship ideals in actuality--it's all moving, folks.
*Nancy remarked about Indigo children after I brought it up. I told her that I knew some about them and that I have several in my classes (most actually) and in my own families of origin and choice. She smiled and said she was just beginning to look at that. She had a quizzical look on her face and said"You know about them already? Then she shook her head and said,"Of course, you do." And then she laughed. I said it was something we could learn about together. Maybe we will write about it together.....
*She said she had been experiencing difficulties leaving her house. Panic attacks and anxiety. Talking with her few friends over the phone and email. The she looked at me and said that it was amazing that she was there with me at the coffee shop-no medication, no angst, no panic. She smiled and said-Tears, forgetfulness, and laughter! AND THEN SHE LAUGHED!
I asked her if she liked to walk. (She walks 4 miles a day.) I asked her if she likes dogs. (No, but she could tolerate them.) I asked her if she would like to walk sometimes and to see if we could grow a friendship. She said YES.

Last night's Magical Strings concert was very special. Philip played "Spiral Suspension" on his new Dragon Harp. I was transported away. So was everyone else. It was a shamanic moment where you are carried to Nonordinary Reality on a "horse" of a different kind--this time it was a dragon harp and steel and bronze strings. I am still carrying the power and healing of that here...it spoke. Peace is possible. Flow is possible. Healing is Possible. Connection is Possible. Hope is Possible.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Do you know what a "turas" is? You are on one!
Good Morning, Dear Ones.
There was an especially sweet thought today in the Celtic Spirit Daily Meditations, I even learned a new word-"turas".
Allow me to share from Cailin Matthews, p. 339
"The gifts of each season create thresholds and doorways of opportunity for us as the year turns. The circuit of the earth about the sun is like the turas, or revolving walk of a pilgrim about a sacred site: at each point of the circumnabulation, there arises a differently symbology in the changing weather and in the correspondances of the growing world. As we become more attuned to the annual turas of these channges, we become more attuned..."Then she goes on to ask us to consider the gifts and opportunities that we receive from each season.

I am coming to a decision. I will likely withdraw from the doctoral program that I started at Walden. I have one more conversation to have with someone who's perspective I value very much.
I am enjoying the rigour of it. I have not yet learned the appropriate time management skills for the intensity that is required. There is no question that I have the type of criticial thinking cap and writing skills to be successful. The truth that has emerged is that it really isn't something I want right now. It won't make me a better mom. It might make me a better Erin, but probably not. It will make me a better teacher and professional colleague and I can accomplish that in other ways. Just the past two weeks have taught me that I need to do a better job of keeping abreast of the research and trends. Well, okay then.

Since Iona, it has become clear to me that I don't need additional letters after my name to "be somebody". Do you know how comforting and joy-filled that realization is? I have literally spent my whole life this time 'round running after letters and accomplishments to be noticed, to be somebody, to be affirmed that I was a worthy being, worthy of being loved and acknowledged. Things change when you discover your OWN HOWL! (That's for another blog entry she chortles to Self). Also the confidence that grows out of learning out to apply, jump through all the financial aid ropes, get the loans, understand what it means and how it fits (or not) into the budget, not to be afraid to just go for what is on "your list". SO when Viet Nam stuff stalled last spring, I just went for my "list"--it changes every three years or so but some of my Life Goals have been on there for 20 plus years. ED.D was in the top three forever. I have learned that it may go down to #20. Don't know. I may change my mind about all this by tomorrow. I am more interested in focusing on what the 6 year old crowd needs. If it is learning I want, then my Heart shouts "Wilderness Awareness School" in Duvall. It's not even Waldorf.That's a worthy path or turas and maybe I'll return to it someday. Don't know. And it's okay. I learned enough to get me started and rooted and some things are growing and enriching my work as a teacher, artist, and as a person. All this talk of starting, stopping, trying things out...my "Committee" certainly tries to have something to say.And I'm not flighty. Me?! EMR snorts to Self?!? You have got to be kidding! I tell the Committee Talking Heads in my head when they give me crap. It's just different now. What I want and need is clear. And simple. And part of the "turas".

If I keep it, I want to learn how to restore Peregrin, my old Rv. I am really interested in a simple travel trailer that I can pull with the Subaru. That will fit in the garage. That will keep us dry and warm. That will be easy to get in and out. That will be big enough. That will allow other people and kids to safely and legally go with us to these great camping adventures. On the burner for considersation. My needs around the RV have changed. Mary has her own rig now. Fiona and Sadie are not old and don't need the padding and comfort of such. I don't need the bigness or all the systems--since I haven't used any of them in over three years. It's not likely I will. We shall see. I learned this morning where to store some more essential items that I use around here. COli will be proud of me because I figured out where to hang a drying rack upstairs AND where to hang my ironing board for easy access and use. Whoo-hah. I also managed to organize all the doctoral materials that I won't be needing. Funny huh. But oh well.
It just might be that the first time in my life I can say and mean that I don't need to be striving for something from the outside to make the inside. It's kind of the other way around. I'm also not going to go back to French class on a regular basis. I am enjoying the respite and the chance to write more.
I am enjoying so many things right now. Abide in Love, Dear Ones. It really is the only way to go...on your turas.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Think on this...
The God who has ALL things...cherishes YOU AND ME ABOVE ALL THINGS.
I am a-reeling with that one this morning....

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Okay, folks, so I'm peein' my pants 1st grade land is so funny. And i make notes on sticky notes so I can retell the stories when I get home but I'm too braindead and content to remember the details. Oh, here's one. SO I told one little kid he sounded like an orc when he was whispering back to himself during our phonogram lesson. He looked at me with this expression," So, Lady Who Doesn't Know Any SH*T About LOTR" (imagine raised eyebrows, lips twisting, preparing retort but sorting through multiple ideas first while he pretends to be turning his pencil to actually write with the graphite tip end) and he then said"What kind?" I stopped. He gave me full attention-first time yet except when I was baiting him with the grossology of the grave robbing that occurred in Edinburgh in years past-. I said, "You certainly don't sound like a fighting Uruk-hai but you may be close to the ones that were created out of tormenting the kidnapped elves of Lorien by Sauron himself and later by Sauruman." "And speaking of elves, I would love to be an elf like Legolas." Said child--who had been looking at me with a bit of a light behind his eyes indicating that he was thinking I might be worthy of something like a modicum of puny respect--He said, "That guy's just a big Barbie running around in tights and he can't even really shoot his arrows like that." Sheesh!"
This same child ate his way through his math manipulatives. We were learning 8 and 9 today and how to group them. His mom had sent in 100 sunflower seeds. I asked him why he was eating during math and to please think about not eating his counters. He looked at me and then said, "We're only doing 8 and 9. There's enough here for the whole year."

You may think he is being disrespectful. He's not. He is just telling me how it is. And I have to tell you, in all honesty, I think it's the darndest thing and I love this. It is challenging and frustrating. And funny. Like the 6 year old girls who walk hand in hand and I over hear them asking each other who they have crushes on. And three seconds late it's all out war because one of them wants to play "helicopter" and one doesn't. They're all still trying to get a handle on me and the cool thing is, they can't.

And another thing. I have to bring Cheerios in. And our new mantra is 'aim, flush, wash, oh my" It's starting to stink in there.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

My ragtop is draggin'....but I'm happy.
And tired.
And glad to be back in the swing of things.
And glad to be having the choice how much to swing the things.
I think a few in the schedule may have to go, but we shall see.

The Rv has the clutch fixed now. The damage wasn't too bad.
Now it goes back to the other place to have the RV stuff looked at.
I was meaning to have that done anyhow and was dreading the drive in Seattle to bring it to a place and now Peregrin is going to be back at a place where they do that sort of checking and fixering uppering. Not too shabby and another lovely reason to go back up to the land of Port Hadlock--ooooh, I'll hate that.*wink*wink.

In all honesty, I am doing a great job about not bringing other people's concerns/obsessions/worries about their children home with me because I am being selfish and practicing this to save energy for my own kid(s). This makes me happy that I can practice this kind of self-control at least for now and make some viable progress in the behavior, energy, and thought time-you know what I mean.

I am absolutely enjoying the textury heck out of the book Broken for You by S. Kallos right now. Can't put it down. Like dark French chocolate-the bites are meaningful and not necessarily in too big of chunks. A little goes a long way.
And none of my clothes fit properly but I'm in them and all I think about when I am sweating in my too tight pants is 1. This happened because I enjoyed the heck out of myself in Scotland and this past weekend with toasted cheese sandwiches and proper egg salad ( and not in that order) and 2. In one month, it's not going to be hot like this and it will be my favorite season of the year. And I love looking forward to that just like I love right now and the way the stars come out pop-pop-popping twinkily over the roofs and above the birch and cedars. And I love listening to Flicker in the morning, during the day at school and in the evening when I return home and finally settle in and breathe, noticing my surroundings, how it smells, and who is blessing us with their song. And stinky dog breath.
The tomato soup is done. Off to savor a cup outside. I have courtside seats for the star show.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Nirvana by the Beach...and had to have the RV towed today.
Still Nirvana.
The stars in the sky.
The long sleeps.
The early morning walks as the sky-paintings, feather-brushed with slow gold and ermine splashes of rose, sang the stars to bed. And following deer tracks on the beach to where they were licking newly uncovered rocks slick with the salt from the low tide. And the calls of eagles, grey herons, the sloop-whoop-splash of playing seals, the light kisses of salty aired breezes...
Long walks in the quiet woods, near abandoned fort buildings and hideouts, garrisoned now with chipmunks, flickers, and the requisite cadre of swallows.
And the campfires. I even cooked eggs, toast, and heated wash water on ours-another dream come true!
And the sleeps-10 hours, 11 hours, 3 hour nap-all good and right and perfect.
And the food. All comfort. At the perfect times. And lots of it.
The faith sharing and prayer, the studying, the watching families and dogs and folks walk by.
And then learning that I couldn't put the RV into 1st, 2nd, then 3rd. Managed to get to Port Hadlock and had to have it towed.
Nice semi-driver just back towing for AAA, Bryan by name. Mangled fingernails. Taught me a new word-two actually-"thrown clutch". Luckily, Mary J was there with Grey Heron to make the rest of the day simply abundant with a lovely ride home, a premier spot on the ferry with a lively breeze, the Mountain-Sisters out singing in the beautiful clear afternoon and no traffic to speak of on the way home. Squishy was a trooper. In fact he slept most of the way home.
Will findout tomorrow what to do about Peregrin.
Now it's time for a cup of hot cocoa, some lesson planning, and more quiet Christmas music.
Fort Flagler. If you haven't been there, you should go. There is space and room to be, breathe, play, laugh, walk, grieve, dream, explore, sleep..and track deer if you so choose.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

So it's Thursday.
Back-to-School Night and the Curriculum Presentations for the 1st grade parents are over.
It went well.
So did therapy last night.
Did some looking at what I'm holding, why, how I feel about it, and then some looking at the options that I have around all that.
And options I do have.
And am thinking about.
The RV is moved and on the street in front of the house.. not loaded up yet but will do that in the morning. After work, Mary J. in her Grey Heron and Squishy and me in Peregrin are going to caravan up to Fort Flagler and camp our little hearts out. And I can't wait. For the quiet. For our simple talks and times together. For walks in the early, early morning on thebeach and in the woods. To good coffee. and prayer time. for backgammon or dominoes. for mac and cheese. for just being. and some lesson planning and some reading. and some journaling.
it's alright.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Anne Morrow Lindbergh wrote:
"If you let yourself be absorbed completely,
if you surrender completely to the moments as they pass, you live more richly those moments."

Sounds to me like this could mean slowly easing yourself into a hot bubblebath or finding yourself up to your armpits in cosmic muck and still whistling "Dixie"...or you could be facing an eager batch of 6 year old faces who have all "heard things" and who make comments to one another sotto voci-"Yeah, she's funny alright" or " Do ya think we're gonna have to do the dancing today?" or even better (to my face), " They told us you like to get wet." (morning recess in the rain)...it was a time for sizing one another up....and there will be more of that tomorrow. And I have a sore throat and the aches and a headache. Cold sores on the outside and canker sores on the inside. And I keep telling myself everything is "fine". And I believe this. I just don't know anything except that I am happy and part of me is rebelling. And pacing. And nervous. And surrendering. At least I am not sending out for pickles or ice cream. It's more Grandma Surridge tea and organic, vegetarian ravioli and Belgian cheese.

I threw out some more stuff this morning and last night. Time to fill that recycling bin again. Also managed to stop the leaky faucet on the outside of the house at least for now.

So tomorrow could be a day.

Point No Point was restful for me. I wish I could say I feel guilty about not helping out with the chores. But I don't. I did miss face time with Colleen, Julie and Rusty. I enjoyed all the rest of it.

I just received a call. The reason for my cold sores and the like just evaporated. For the time being. I wil be studying dry rot of the APA writing styles for doctoral publications and the Foundations of What Everybody Thinks Will Fix Education. And I will live and wait. And clean up more stuff and pay off my credit cards, my parents and my trip. Another way to focus. My ship will come in someday..................someday.