I know I have other veggie-sausages to fry...
Go find this article in today's Seattle PI at:
www.seattlepi.nwsource.com/national/360988_vietnam29.html

There is just so much I don't understand about ANYTHING...........................

From "Prayers for Healing"---

You carry the cure within you.
Everything that comes your way is blessed.
The Creator gives you one more day.
Stand on the neck of Fearful Mind.

Do not wait to open your heart.
Let yourself go into the Mystery.
Sometimes the threads have no weave.
The price of not loving yourself is high.---Jim Cohn


Fear does not gladden.
Healing does.
Fear always makes exceptions.
Healing never does.
Fear produces disassociation, because it induces separation.
Healing always produces harmony,
because it proceeds from integration.---from A Course in MIracles, p. 112

It's been a busy weekend...so busy, in fact, that a couple of times, I forgot that this is a.d. (after diagnosis).
I would rather be updating my classroom website but the server at school isn't responding. The raccoons woke me and Squishy up around 2 a.m. and they are still messing around up there. I have GOT to get a call into the Dept. of Wildlife up in Mill Creek tomorrow. We were sleeping in front of the warm (too warm) fire in the cabin room because we got a surprise visit and stay from Little Feather yesterday. That was a treat.
I have been working on lesson plans. I ate like a real person yesterday for the first time since b.c. (before cancer). Oh, Michael Graham makes the BEST veggie casserole ever. Delish. And perfect. And just hearty enough for a rainy spring evening. I have certainly been treated royally this weekend. Thinking on an open letter for all the love, support, gifts, flowers, prayers, smiles, hugs, honesty.
THis should probably be in my journal, but L.F. is asleep in the bedroom and I don't want to disturb her. I am nervous about getting the results this week. I feel like until then I just live my regular, juicy, lovely, grace-filled life and make room for the reality that is cancer. When in Truth, I know that all this other will fall away as I reconfigure to heal, embrace, "fight"--whatever you want to call what comes next. I have been given some excellent resources to begin learning about the nutritional, meditative, and exercise tools that I might access. I know that some things will need to go. It's funny that I don't have any regret about giving up some of those things-like Diet Pepsi. I've not read anything yet about this but with cancer in my body, it just seems better to not drink anything that caused cancer in other living beings (sigh-for the other living beings).
Some other things are unfolding with grace and some things are just unfolding. Can't work much in the garden right now. Little spats. It tires me out. My chest hurts with the heavy weeding. I may need to ask for help but I am not quite there yet. I love having my hands and other parts in Mother Earth. I am sure the Life Changes have only just begun..........
Colleen's blog is something else from this weekend. It was just like that. Oh my Heavens. I am still in "4 Heaven" with that essence of "I AM SPECIAL. I BELONG. I AM LOVED." Talk about a non-ordinary reality experience or high.
Thank heavens, Lydia is back from vacation. Now Squishy can have his routine back somewhat. And so can we. Some things act as oak trees, foundational necessities--Lydia (and Marcia) are that for Cedar and Me.
I enjoyed prayer, share, and coffee with Jean, Mike and Laura on Saturday. It actually felt like spring and in the warm and bright morning light, fear had no place, no power, no effect other than in passing. I want more of that. I choose more of that.
I finally figured out how to read Meg's blog. She has no idea (or maybe that beautiful spirited, amazing young woman does) how much this whole thing has revealed one of my Heart's deepest intentions--to create, recreate active relationships of love and attention with my nieces and nephews, one at a time, one Heart at a time--so they know how much they are loved by me even though I am a screw-up sometimes and inattentive to details like birthdays, soccer games, volleyball, etc. They are still sooo close in my Heart and I hold our Sacred Contracts of relationship in holy, loving Heart Space....now I am really sounding like a 4.
I was asked about the adoption a couple of times by people/neighbors/acquaintances who don't know about the cancer. (And I don't need to tell them). The adoption is on the back burner completely. For obvious reasons for me. But also for not so obvious reasons for most adoptive families in the program. The latest (as of Wed. this week) is that virtually all referrals have dried up completely for U.S. families. Indefinitely. The Vietnamese president will be coming to the US in June and the adoption agencies and their political advocates will be seeking face to face time. With all sides. I read (rhymes with bed) the latest update from CHI and just shrugged. I have let go of any attachment to the adoption because of a.d.and I have begun to do some work about letting this go...it remains to be seen. I am not giving it any energy. The other families are in anguish. That part was hard to read. I continue to stay out of the chat rooms. I don't even know enough about my wellness situation or the rules around it. So I gave it to the Lord and my Spirit Guides to hold for as long and in what ways are best for my and the Greater Good. I trust that. It is hard to trust some things these days.
I am tired, still. I have not been able to stop myself from making a few "cancer funnies". That might seem ludicrous and insensitive but if I can't laugh about this then I need to have someone give me a real wedgie so I can access my sense of humor again. There is absolutely NOTHING about this that makes sense and it gives the Theater of the Absurd a real run for their money....EAT YOUR SHORTS, HAROLD PINTER!
Dad goes in for his surgery in about an hour. Hold my Dear One in your Prayer and Thoughts and Love, That's what I will be doing even thought it will look like we are learning long e words and learning to measure with rulers. Good luck, Mon Pere. You are in the Best Hands. In every way.
I believe I am falling in Love again. With life. And with a very sweet boy. This couldn't have come at a better time. And I laid the ground rules for myself on Friday and they are right on the fridge. Therapy works, Man!! So do boundaries. So do alot of other things that I won't write about. And I know how to take steps back and take care of myself. That kind of self-trust is the absolute best. If you don;'t have it yet as your Life practice, may I suggest that you find what it takes and then practice it. It is immeasurably Home-coming. It is though you see your Self as your Creator see You....and you treat Your Self accordingly. Amazing stuff. This living authentically...except when you are working too much and too hard to distract your self from feeling afraid. That's part of the deal.
I send Love and receive Love this week. My prayer is the same for you. And a glass of organic merlot or whatever Megs was drinking at Azteca.:)

There are only two ways to live your life.
One is as though nothing is a miracle.
The other as though everything is.----Albert Einstein


Do you love me? Do you wanna be my friend?........
......CHECK YES OR NO!..............

Thank you for the Love, Prayer, and Support...and for the quiches, soup, and veggie casseroles.;)Thank you.
Found some worthy words:

I like living.
I have sometimes been wildy, despairingly, acutely miserable,
racked with sorrow,
but through it all,
I still know quite certainly
just to be alive is a grand thing.----Agatha Christie


Friends (and Family) are quiet angels
who lift us to our feet
when our wings have trouble remembering.--anon.

Real obstacles don't take you in circles.
They can be overcome.
Invented ones are more like a maze.---Barbara Sher, author

We're preparing to mind the battlestations. I have a collection of spiritual, physical, emotional, and doghaired lightsabres at the ready. And several incredible Jedi Masters to show me the way. In ordinary and non-ordinary reality.
I'm in great shape. Crying a lot but in great shape.
Learning some new/old practices to refocus this wonderful but incredibly active Mind o' Mine.
So for now...

Erin In Wonderland.
That's where we are right now.
So, for updates on what's happening, I will direct you to www.nyccolleen.blogspot.com
Things are moving-more tests, scans, the next surgery, radiation and whatever will be needed in those modalities.
I am in the middle of the Circle of Wagons with a couple of keyplayers to hold my Hand and my Heart. There is a lot of crying and a few laughs. I have a new pillow. Lice-free. Makes me happier.
Cedar and I are taking our walks. He is disoriented in behavior a little. He is still having his time at dogcare with his friends.
I love the prayers and support. I can feel them, hear them, enter them, touch them. Please don't stop.
As I walk farther on this path, I will be accessing the offers of help. It will be down the path. If you don't hear from me, it is notbecause I don't love you. I am Loving myself right now and I know that your love for me knows that.
Point Woman for Information is Colleen. See her blog or call her. She has the scoop and my permission.
Today will be another difficult day of tests, news, and decisions to be made.
May I recommend that you tell yourself that you love You just as you are and that you tell someone that you Love how you feel. It will make your day more special than it already is.
Now where is that Rabbit?............

I don't know quite how to put this because by writing it, it becomes more real.
The results came back. It is sarcoma, a connective tissue cancer.
More tests. More surgery. More waiting. More treatment.
I am in shock. Understandable. Not sleeping too well. 2 hours last night. Can't quite still my mind yet. I will get good, very good at this and my Breathing. Can't seem to do that without really paying attention. Can't eat. It makes me sick. Will try tea later. I can feel the fear in my body running through. Just letting it run through (not run wild, run through-there is a difference) and noticing. I let my admin at work know. Will spend the next whatevers simplifying and getting right back down to the basics.
I am going to share something here that I don't think I have but maybe did.
When things were going bad at the beginning of the end with Neil and our time together, I had some hard days and nights. I have a wolf box that my brother and his family gave me. I put my worst fears in that box for the Wolf and Jesus and Spirit to Hold. I have since burned the other fears because they all came true except two. One more of them is true-the cancer one.
Time to put a few more things in the box.
I can feel everyone reaching out to me so I am not alone. Know that I appreciate it and I am VERY alone right now. This is awful. I'll come to the Grace and Gratitude part in my own way. First things first. I want to be able to keep stuff down. I want to teach kids, dance, anything without crying. I want to have coffee and take my dog for walks. I want to work out at Curves regularly again. I want to chop kindling (it may snow on Sat.). I want to go camping. I want to celebrate my birthday this year. I want to hold hands with someone I love at least once everyday and I'm not joking. I don't want to answer a lot of questions. I want to have Hope. I Believe in that-BIG TIME. So does my Heart. So do my DREAMS.

Just finished report cards. I sure do love being able to access and complete them right here from home.
And every once in awhile for a bit of fun, I turn on the flashlight and watch my dog skid around trying to catch Tinkerbell.
It Is HIGHlarious! It has been a busy weekend. It has been a busy week. I am still not up to snuff energetically but, boy am I in a place of gratitude for all the good stuff and abundance that are here and now.
Enjoyed so much family doings and celebratings this weekend. And music. Coli and the McKassons and time with friends and birthday celebrations and First Communion with Jacob. Oh my. And the food.
I even mowed my lawn. That's all I did in the yard. Oh and a bit of pruning. Still paying for all that but it was a great time. And some loverly walks with my dog and coffee. And bird calls. Even a heron overhead while Maude was driving to her house. And even though lice is at school, it ain't here at my house. Which is another good thing. I'm gonna try and do the dancing thing this week. I have missed it. my muscles have missed it.

Back to work and almost off to bed for today.
Had a short walk with the Little Man and some ball in the backyard.
Either the kids are pushing it at firstgradeland or I'm not on my game yet.
I don't out and out hurt just feel kind of tired and achy most of the time. And this is not a complaint.
There is a lot of love, support and prayers still coming my way and chocolate, too.
It seems lice is back. We're all gettin gchecked again on Thursday.
We have a Celebration of Learning tomorrow evening-student led conferences. It was a big job to get ready.
Everything was in place when I got back. The Other Miss R. did a great job. I hope she has recovered.:)
The latest on the pathology is that it was confirmed a spindle cell tumor and it has been sent on for further pathology. Don't know when I will hear next. Trying to breathe. Trying to feel good all day about my Life. Trying to remember that some of my Dreams may yet come true and not to waste time, energy, and heart thinking about it.
Will be glad to get back to dancing.
Trying to drink more water and it's working. Found a bag of cedar shavings in the garage which will be great for firestarter.
Thankful for the help at the ceilidh this past Sunday. I really appreciate the effort Mom, Dad, Sara, Rowan, and Haydn made.
Having some trouble with the Monroe Dance studio. Apparently, they didn't read the dates I sent up in January for the entire 6 months and they have me down for next weekend and my birthday weekend-both of which I am not scheduled to go. So I emailed and said no, I wouldn't be coming and would they still like me to come on the May dates which I did put down. We shall see. It is no skin off my nose or feet. I don't need the experience. I don't need more dancers. I don't need the money. It was a nice opportunity. I wouldn't be sad to see it go if it were to. People act like it's my job to solicit dancers and grow the class. They have it all wrong. It's the other way around. Build the field and they will come and if you are lucky, I will be there to teach you your oversteptucks.
I'm a little down. I'm going to bed. It will make it all better. More than that.