What would The Barb do?
Usually it's WWJD...but in this case, I was more interested in what His Mother would have done with cranky, spun-up, bored Nazareth 6 year olds who were in danger of playing with the tools in Joseph's workshop that they KNEW they weren't supposed to touch and no, put that fistful of dates and figs down because you already had your snack and it's almost dinner time and "Jesus, please stop that. There were only 5 in thebowl the last time I checked and now, it's overflowing again.."...and since I imagined all this, I had to go with what I knew...and that is MY MOTHER.
I love the title of today's entry. I've been giggling and enjoying myself within all day and using this question as a measure since the "Amazing Ms. R" seems to have taken a brain break and is dealing with a whopping case of No voice and PMS. SOoooo...started at o'dark thirty downstairs in my basement hauling up my bins and tubs of projects, ideas, and materials. And had a positive thought that at the same time as ensuring that today would not be a horrible, off day repeated, I also was having the chance to weed through more stuff from down there and use or lose it! A win-win-WIN!
So, that is exactly how it went!
Mom would have had snack choices ready, a warm kitchen, lowkey KOMO on the radio (before it was all news and talk) and she would have had stuff for our hands and heads to do----like stick sequins and pins into styrofoam balls, or wind pipecleaners around pinecones and then apply glitter with glue the old fashioned way--with the flat end of a toothpick or a simple baking project or if we were complaining, we could always help her fold towels or match socks. She would have had some game choices--simple, fun to play with a partner or a small group of sibs on the floor or at the dining room table or in the living room. All workable. All fun. All focusing. All real. All good.
And that's what it was. And IT WORKED. I had some help by bringing my drums in today. I used my special prayer drum to call them to prayer the way we do in a sweatlodge or a circle. I used the bodhran to cue them for transitions. And it was fun to use reel and jig time and to see them match the rhythms as they moved. We worked on button blankets for most of the morning with some phonogram and spelling dictation thrown in. We prayed, played, sang, helped, ran, and snacked. Then it was lunch. More of the same with some faith formation and storytime thrown in with some creative visualizations to David Lanz music about being in an enchanted forest during a soft snowfall. We practiced our snowdance, too.
The rest of the day seemed to be peaceable. I enjoyed untying knots in the curtain strings because they weren't even. There is something soothing about completing something as mundane as sharpening pencils, cleaning a whiteboard, and untying knots...right up until the fire alarm went off and the sirens woooo-woooo'd down the hill in response. Then it was time to come home. Squishy showed up at the exact same time, tuckered out and ready for some lovin'.
And so we're back to warm kitchen, towels to fold, KOMO-esque music Christmas-style, and a grateful heart because of one who did it before....and did it right.....

Cedar is back with his pack. He doesn't look at all happy about that, does he?

Outa da noise, outa da funk...
Actually, I lost my voice. And in my Dreams, I have lost my Voice.
Interesting this....
Sooo, my world is much quieter. Children whisper back. I learn how to use my expressions and body to communicate. Even Squishy is getting it.
I'm back to having too many things to write in one 5 line spot in my Gratitude Journal.
In my Dreams, I am trapped again. Sleep walking every night. Found my cell phone in bed with me at 3 am. Didn't have a clue who I wanted to call. Actually I did. But I don't need a phone for that. I made the call when I was in that soft, 'tween time.
Up by 4 and into bed by 7. Okay, then.
Can't quite get into the "holiday thang"...spend my time making up my own songs and praising God for all the Love in my Life. Asking for ways to get more of it out of me and into the World that needs it so badly.

"Change is an easy panacea. It takes character to stay in one place and be happy there."--Elizabeth Clarke Dunn
Struggling with the grass is greener thing... and this came up on Cybernation today. I'm covered with dog hair so I will just imagine that it is character and see if that helps.:)
What a quiet and restorative holiday.
And the first Yuletide concert went well. I will need some handwork for each of the shows and will get that together this week. I hurt my foot at rehearsal on Saturday and reinjured it during the slip jig last night. Frozen peas and ibuprofen are my friends...and not acting like I am twelve.
It was good to see some familiar Dear Hearts on the audience.
No snow, yet....

Good walks.
Good talks.
Good coffee.
Good sunlit snows on mountains.
Good new cross trainer shoes.
Good rehearsal.
Good playtime with Squishy.
Good naps.
Good thinking.
Good checking on dear friends.
Good loving on dear friends and family.
Good remembering.
Good hoping.
Good finding support where and when needing.
Good cooking to make house smell good.
Good hanging of twinkle lights.
Good candlelight.
Good Disney movies.
Good laughing.
Good breathing.
Good wine with orange juice.
Good mac and cheese.
Good moving of furniture in cabin room.
Good happy in the moment, THIS moment.

When the wind blows,
that is my medicine
When it rains,
that is my medicine
When it hails,
that is my medicine
When it becomes clear after a strom,
that is my medicine.---Anonymous

"This longing to return home,
for union, to be once more whole,
this longing for that which is unseen,
yet known in my soul,
this longing for that which is silent,
yet heard in my heart,
this longing is my teacher, is my Friend,
we are never apart.-----------Mara Berendt Friedman, 2001

"Weird things are happening," says she.
I can't seem to remember my steps, not even in muscle memory but I can tie a shoe, lead a balling yarn handwork lesson, or soothe a hurt feeling with grace and perfect ease. When I am in a fit of lonely-my-dreams-will-never-seem-to-get-here-but-keep-on-keeping-on-with-a-
positive-attitude-and-joy, then I come face to face with what my Dream will look like in a few years' time-a red haired Catholic school teacher with her little Kindergartener daughter(clear that sweet girl-child with shiny black hair is from a land far away), in full school jumper uniform, outside of the Ballard market from their own holiday meal shopping, teaching her child about the "and" symbol between the T and the C. It caught me truly off guard. And then there's the walking every morning in the dark even when I am afraid. Just doing it. With music and coffee and gratitude that I have this strong will and healthy legs and awarm home and the companionship of this silly boy-dog. I just love him. And then I am thankful for corner kicks. I can curve this old Husky basketball that Cedar loves to play with so much around anything in the backyard-the rv, the chopping stump, the bamboo pile that needs to be trimmeout in recycling, the elderberry standing watch and holding sacred space around our bedroom window, the memorial for Fiona and Sadie, even the wee dog himself! I love that my dad and my Uncle Vic took the time to teach me something valuable like that and then gave me opportunities to master it. I have happy powerful memories of curving a soccer ball at who knows how many blasting miles per hour right up the sidelines to the exact spot I knew it was supposed to go in SU women's soccer games, knowing that it would get where it was going and NOT go outside the lines. You just never know when these hidden and special skills will come in handy.
I am very aware today of all those whom I Love and have Loved...still do. I hold you very close to Me today.. especially today. I am aware that I don't do as good a job as I could of telling you, showing you. I hope you all Know. And those that I don't Love. The Truth is, I do, and you , too, are the apple of God's eye. I am learning still to regard you that way in speech, thought, and action.
This is a powerful day, a Life-giving day, a Sparkle Day.
I haven't had a peaceful heart for awhile. I'm grieving some things--unfinished things said and done. Learning how to release, let go, and reground in the freedom and space that is left.
So Squishy is sitting on his spot at the window, growling and alarming at something in sotto voce. Looks like ice. Sometimes he just sits and talks to himself like that.
We are working on the manners things. He jumps on people that I greet. I don't remember having that problem with the girl-dogs. Someone stopped me yesterday walking at SHilshole I get that alot-"Are you a Raney?". Why, yes, I am.It was Joan Magnano and her husband. And then Cedar jumped on her. I was surprised. We will work on that. He has made so much progress in other ways. Just like at school. We are working on not jumping on people either, unless they want you to, since we got the wedgie thing squared away until it makes another appearance...like lice. Thank heavens, that is next door right now and not in first grade land yet. We just have had bad case of Hawaii-itis. I have had about 12 students this week. Over the ocean and through the palm trees to resort we go....I prefer, over the river and through the woods to 1806 we go....

When the wind blows,
that is my medicine
When it rains,
that is my medicine
When it hails,
that is my medicine
When it becomes clear after a strom,
that is my medicine.---Anonymous

"This longing to return home,
for union, to be once more whole,
this longing for that which is unseen,
yet known in my soul,
this longing for that which is silent,
yet heard in my heart,
this longing is my teacher, is my Friend,
we are never apart.-----------Mara Berendt Friedman, 2001

"Weird things are happening," says she.
I can't seem to remember my steps, not even in muscle memory but I can tie shoe or soothe a hurt feeling with grace and perfect ease. When I am in a fit of lonely-my-dreasm-will-never-seem-to-get-here-but-keep-on-keeping-on-with-a-positive-attitude-and-joy, then I come face to face with wheat my Dream will look like in a few years' time-a red haired Catholic school teacher with her little Kindergartener daughter, in full school jumper uniform, outside of the Bllard market, teaching her child about the "and" symbol between the T and the C. It caught me truly off guard. And then there's the walking every morning in the dark even when I am afraid. Just doing it. With music and coffee and gratitude that I have this strong will and healthy legs and awarm home and the companionship of this silly boy-dog. I just love him. And then I am thankful for corner kicks. I can curve this old Husky basketball that Cedar loves to play with so much around anything in the backyard-the rv, the chopping stump, the bamboo pile that needs to be trimmeout in recycling, the elderberry standing watch and holding sacred space around our bedroom window, the memorial for Fiona and Sadie, even the wee dog himself! I love that my dad and my Uncle Vic took the time to teach me something valuable like that and then gave me opportunities to master it. I have happy powerful memories of curving a soccer ball at who knows how many blasting miles per hour right up the sidelines to the exact spot I knew it was supposed to go in SU women's soccer games, knowing that it would get where it was going and NOT go outside the lines. You just never know when these hidden and special skills will come in handy.
I am very aware today of all those whom I Love and have Loved...still do. I hold you very close to Me today.. especially today. I am aware that I don't do as good a job as I could of telling you, showing you. I hope you all Know. And those that I don't Love. The Truth is, I do, and you , too, are the apple of God's eye. I am learning still to regard you that way in speech, thought, and action.
This is a powerful day, a Life-giving day, a Sparkle Day.
I haven't had a peaceful heart for awhile. I'm grieving some things--unfinished things said and done. Learning how to release, let go, and reground in the freedom and space that is left.
So Squishy is sitting on his spot at the window, growling and alarming at something in sotto voce. Looks like ice. Sometimes he just sits and talks to himself like that.
We are working on the manners things. He jumps on people that I greet. I don't remember having that problem with the girl-dogs. Someone stopped me yesterday walking at SHilshole I get that alot-"Are you a Raney?". WHy, yes, I am.It was Joan Magnano and her husband. And then Cedar jumped on her. I was surprised. We will work on that. He has made so much progress in other ways. Just like at school. We are working on not jumping on people either, unless they want you to, since we got the wedgie thing squared away until it makes another appearance...like lice. Thank heavens, that is next door right now and not in first grade land yet. We just have had bad case of Hawaii-itis. I have had about 12 students this week. Over the ocean and through the palm trees to resrot we go....I prefer, over the river and through the woods to 1806 we go....

The radiologist doesn't know what it is either.
The results are going back to the surgeon.
It's not a lyploma(sp?)-it has blood running through it.
Will wait to see what the options are.
Had an absolutely perfect walk with Squishy at Shilshole with a latte and the grey clouds whisping over the water and the light moving from the south.
The light wind lifted a few kites into the air above the grasses on the sands, but whipped the waves unto successive batterings along the high tide line. Made a labyrinth full of paw prints as Squishy tried to bite my stick and route his nose into the sand.
Listened to the gulls call and the crows caw.
I just love the image of a bird against the backdrop of a grey sky, highlighted by afternoon light, on a deep autumn afternoon in November. The wings are precociously presented with dramatic lines of color so as to make the bird seem touchable that far away. And it's all in motion. Better than any flat screen thing microsoft could make for an indoors wall. This is reality tv as far as I am concerned. With the wind in my face and a grin on my dog's face and a latte.......
And now to tackle some home tasks.

The storm seems to be here.
Squish and I just rolled in from a babysitting gig with some nieces and nephews. A few dance contests, dinner, Old Maid and Go Fish, plus two utterly horrible movies later and all was and is well. Oh, and some Squishy ball and training of this pup around those pups. Fun times and I am following through on my intentions of building relationship with my nieces and nephews and exposing this pup to more kids. We need to work on the exposure to grown males now.
I am somewhat scared about the ultrasound today. So what. I am scared of a lot of things. It'll be a nice walk over in the rain today.
I've been working hard all weekend. Can't quite stop. It's a restless work thing, not because I have a plan and an end in sight.
With pleasant moments and walks thrown in.
The RV is in the backyard. Covered with a new tarp. Several things are not as they should be--and I am on that, too. No paperwork or manuals for the new LP gauge and they didn't fix the lights on the outside, only put new plastic things on them. I was clear on several occasions about my expectations and the "to do" list. I will follow though on this starting tomorrow. Will also think about parking at a different angle. It really interferes with our Sheltie ball games. So thankful to have itback. Now I can learn how to do the repairs and upgrades that I want.
I'm tired of sewarding shit. I wish it weren't so labor intensive to find homes for things. It would be just that much easier to load up car or truck and go to the dump. I'm not gonna do that, but sometimes I want to.
And this old house, there is never something that isn't needing attention.
And my attention is distracted and short these days.
The baby shower for my cousin, from the outside, looked like a pleasant affair. And it was. And it was so energetcially wacked out that I shiver when I think about it. There is no authentic, layers of experiential sharing with any of these women except with most of those in my own pod, but then that is even sketchy--and we are supposed to come together in these "rituals" of connection as of old and go through some motions of how it has always been done....doesn't work for me. I lived that bullshit and I don't choose to anymore. The bottomline is that I am not selfish. I am supportive. I do love other's good fortune. I hate lies. And I hate when others won't try and make connection either. I hate that and I seek it elsewhere.
It was also VERY painful to be around all those pregnant women. Very. You see, in my 4-ness, Erin-ness, I'm pregnant, too and no one can see. And I hate being unseen. Seems a contradiction in terms. Anyone can bug out on this whole entry becasue I am writing for myself so I will settle down enough to balance my checkbook---great life, I have it. I choose it. I live it. And it will be nine YEARS of waiting by the time I get to be a parent--IF---this whole thing started in 2000. And I hear comments about how nine months is a long time to wait--GIVE ME A BLOODY SPIT_RAG or something. .....Good Goddess!
Again, choices, mine-carefully, prayerfully, willingly made by me, for me-----and it is still hard! Too hardsometimes.
The shift for Yuletide is also bothering me a lot--much in the same way that I see my parents aging and I see myself aging. It's surreal. I am going to show up with my Heart open and full of Love, my body and muscles cared for, strong, and ready to dance well and accurately---and when the time comes, and it si soon coming, I will find another way to dance my joy with others for Yuletide in less formal circumstances. I don't want to say never, but I won't be a backstage groupie hanging around to just hang around. I am a dancer. It is who I am. And dance I do, and will.
I am not unhappy. I am not happy. I am somewhere else. And my dog's with me.

Conferences are finally over.
Only one was what I would term "difficult".
Get to pick up Peregtin home tomorrow.
Finished stacking and covering all the wood tonight.
Slept so hard last night I actually woke up rested.
More thoughts later.
Enjoyed much about this week.
Learned much this week.
Little Feather also came up for her trainings. We spent some quality time visiting and walking in the early hours.
We both like to rise early--except when I sleep in.
Off to more sleep. I've earned it. Squishy has had a busy and fun week, too. Auntie Lydia shared some of the photos from Field Day fun yesterday!

Found this...
"Trust what you know.
Then relax and settle into your point of view.
You don't need to persuade anyone to see the world your way.
Convince your self.
That's enough."

It's been a lovely weekend. Squishy and I had a long, wonderful walk at Shilshole.
We've played sheltie ball in the backyard.
I've loaded and stacked another bunch of wood.
Baked bread. Learned to make brown rice properly. It's not hard and I really like the taste, color and texture of brown rice.
Walked to church. Enjoyed being in that space. It was somehow like an old-fashioned hug. It all felt familiar. Then to the store-did my part reducing my carbon footprint.
Danced twice with the sistahs. It all seems to be going in. Will work on the sticking it to the framework of brainage and muscles.
Corrected the mistakes on the report cards. Was a minor wreck on Friday about all the missing pieces. Don't like to be told I have "issues" with computers because the truth is, I don't. What I have issues with are things changing all the time, crappy training, not enough time to do it at work while people who know are around, and being trained incorrectly in the first place and so having to take precious mind-energy and time to unlearn and relearn. I resent that. But I did it anyway and started out with a crisis-call to a team of pros--and got the support and direction I needed. I was heard, comforted, and given some ways to approach it differently. Was able to correct a bunch of stuff before I left work. I don't mind working hard. I mind working stupid and inefficiently. My life is too precious for that and in the long run, none of this matters or will be remembered. That is one of the perks of having been a teacher for 23 years. You know what matters and most of this kind of stuff doesn't.
I have decided to paint my kitchen and put in new to us cabinets--just one long one hopefully. A yellow kitchen. Reminds me of Grandma Surridge, although I think I'll pass on the carrot needlepoint or something like that on the wall. Wish I had one of those inset ironing boards though. That would be nice.
Bookgroup this weekend. Always, always come away nourished and challenged. An amazing, eclectic group of women. And books.
Now, time for lesson plans, and prayer...in front of the fire with relaxed dog and soft music.

Had the lump in my chest checked today by a surgeon.
He wants more information--ultrasound, biopsy.
Then we'll make a decision. Let me rephrase that--then I will make a decision based on the information and choices.
Will make an ultrasound at the same place as before. The surgeon was clinically good today. He just wasn't a people person. I hate that.
Just want the lumps to stop...
...And feeling all the Love coming my way...this isn't a big fat hairy deal...actually it's sort of long, skinny, and it's a free-floater--ah_ha-ha-ha-ha!:---thanks....really. Next step--ultrasound followed by really good coffee and a cupcake.
Trying not to Erin-this.....maybe I should go outside and step in something and that would keep me focused on the REAL WORLD...