Mississippi Moments

Friday, July 30, 2010

Just give me your hand,
Tabhair dom do lámh
Just give me your hand
And I'll walk with you,
Through the streets of our land,
Through the mountains so grand.
If you give me your hand.
Just give me your hand,
And come along with me.
Will you give me your hand,
And the world it can see,
That we can be free,
In peace and harmony?
From the north to the south.
From the east to the west.
Every mountain, every valley,
Every bush and birds nest!

Monday, July 26, 2010

It is very hot out there--for the Northwest.
Must go and hose down my dog again. A black fur coat is definitely not "in" at this time of year.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Words have power.
One of the perks of my day job this summer is that we go to the library a couple of times a week. And while the children settle into reading and grazing through books, so do I. Boy, did the teachers and words show up. Here are a few I would like to share. They are already dancing in my consciousness and un-...

Keep your thoughts positive, because your thoughts become your words.
Keep your words positive, because your words become your behavior.
Keep your behaviors positive, because your behaviors become your habits.
Keep your habits positive, because your habits become your values.
Keep your values positive, because your values become your destiny.---Ghandi

"If you have a relapse, don't panic."---Heather Belle, Michelle Fiordaliso...
and "...set your course for a life that's free of (_________), but readjust when you fall off course without self-blame or shame."

"When your spirit gets BIGGER, your demons get smaller."-----August Wilson

"Practice not being perfect."---H. Belle, M. Fiordaliso

"No matter how quickly things move these days, hearts still take their sweet time to heal."---H and M above

"I really hope you can get your head on straight. I know how migraines can interfere with a happy life."----Auntie Jan

There may be someone out there who reads this blog who thinks these power-thoughts are for her or him. Maybe. And for anyone else who is heart and mind grazing for growth and entertainment or out of sheer boredom. But I copied 'em because they started jumping off the page. It is a cool thing to be a basically contented person enthralled with life (after coffee, a walk, and exercise in the morning mind you and enough sleep and minimal crap food). I like the tweakage that happens with new thoughts, old thoughts, recycled thoughts and then the living that happens. I also like keeping track and then finding the thoughts again at just the right moment. None of that is coincidental. Words have power. Thoughts have power. My present goal is to live the stepping off the emotional rollercoaster about everything. It is going to be about creating and practicing a habit that will become a value that will become Me. Alrighty-then. There was one other quote that made the jump into my journal---"Having Exes is a good thing: it means that you were willing to open your heart to another person."---p. 265, Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Ex

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Most Natural Redheads in One Place!!
Guinness Book of World Records, Folks!
This is the Life that happens when your plans don't.
Had a wonderful time with a special young man at whose behest I was invited. Pretty neat. They cut off the line at 3:30pm. Needed 250 for the record and ended up with 901 not counting the people who did not come in and who were sitting outside the stadium with their redheaded dogs. Music by redheaded artists, proclamation by the mayor of Sammamish, a visit and a chat by formerlynatural redhead. Mr. S. Claus himself. Then official photos. Next year will include a cutting of redhairs for Locks of Love. All in all a special time. Picnic time afterward at Pine Lake. A lovely day.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Burl Free. HURL FREE.
"Deciding what to do now isn't deciding what you will do with the rest of your life."--Lisa Earle McLeod, Forget Perfect

Our mothers probably had grand plans. Their mothers might've, too. They probably had "should" lists. They may even have had everything scripted out. And then Life happened. Some of those truisms that we see on the back of cars on the freeway actually make sense. You know that one--"Life is what happens while you are busy making your plans." and that other one where God sweeps out what you plan to sweep in or something like that. I have a new one: Burl Free. HURL FREE. (Read on)

Two months ago if you told me that I would be emptying my house out, getting married, and considering getting pregnant (NOT! -just checking to see if you were reading carefully!HJAH!)--I'd have told you I was glad you were really enjoying your alcoholic beverage and to have another to increase your illusionary pleasures. Maybe even have some Tot-chos with that....
Now, not so much. There is less than one box of "stuff" here that I won't part with and the rest--we shall see.

I have been checking out massage therapy schools. I have been checking out Bastyr programs. Life Coach Options. Short-term international teaching gigs. Special ed endorsement options. Mental Health Counselor options. Literacy Arts specialist. TEOFEL endorsement. ESL or ELL endorsement. Finishing that doctorate. Being a bum options. Being a mom options. Just checking...

Mostly, I am quiet. trying to be. while my body and energy readjust to the healing and experiences of last week. I am noticing the following things:
-I hold my neck up to compensate for imbalance. Now I do not need to do this.
-How I walk is different now. The spots where I have calluses and corns are not even touching the Earth's surface.
-How I carry things and reach for things is all different now. I still reach and carry initially the old way--but it doesn't feel "right" and so I let my body show me what does feel right.
- I experience these waves and rivers of warmth and outright heat spreading through that part of my neck, shoulders, and head up and down that have never been there for as long as I can remember in this incarnation.
-The eddy is gone. So is the rock that was there. Like in a river. Let me 'splain in another way. Mary J and I camp a LOT. We can't remember where, but there is a state park that has these beautiful old oak trees. (Schaefer, Dosewallups, Millerslyvnia?)What makes these tall, big, strong trees unique is the disease all over them, primarily near the base of the trunks--huge, swirled, gnarled burls...removing the burls will kill the trees. Eventually the burls will kill the trees....The burl that was on my neck is gone. And I am not dead. Quite the opposite, actually.
-When I am not rewinding Kevin Costner dance and love scenes in Dances with Wolves, I notice that I am even breathing differently.

I wonder if Fuzz knows he is a MW? Probably.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Under the laceleaf maple...

Sat there today, right on Mother Earth, shaded and hidden from the rest of the world.
Sat there while my pup played with the toys in and out from under our little hidey-spot. He likes it under there. He has been digging. He also removed the shell and the heart-stone that I had placed to mark where Fiona and Sadie's boxes are buried.
I like the metaphor of that whole thing. I think Fiona and Sadie do, too.

I am a recognizable version of my self today minus energy. Not bad. Not bad a-t'all.
No meds needed (yet). Even danced in the kitchen while doing dishes.

Been wondering what to do with this Gift of a new neck. Remarkable.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I swept my kitchen floor this morning all by myself!

This is progress. No meds today yet. Of any kind. Feeling the energy come. Feeling the energy stay. Feeling better, so much better.

Fletcher spent last night in the emergency room again last night. He says (with rueful cheer) that he has two dizzy dames in his life. His darling daughter hit her head and neck on the back of a couch at a friend's house. Big concussion, thankfully no other damage. She will be sore for awhile. That is three for three. She was in the emergency room several times two weeks ago. Then it was my turn. Then hers again. That should be plenty for awhile. Poor Fletcher. You can tell the measure of a man by what he does in emergencies. And how he acts with children, animals, and his mother. Especially when he doesn't know that you are watching.

I have been given a full measure this time 'round who wants to go in the same direction as was said to me this week, "standing in the traces together". That so works for me.

The neighbors are starting to comment/complain about the prairie look of my front garden. Will get on that soon. Not personally. My energy is not there yet. It is for other.

Monday, July 12, 2010

I am thankful to be walking today without needing a walking stick or a strong arm upon which to lean...but I can choose to have one or t'other if I want.
I plan to build cairns today and think.
Then watch my pup knock them all down.

"Life is always moving, changing, shifting into its next shape. The movement is natural. It is how we evolve. Let the shifts happen. Take responsibility for yourself each step of the way. Trust the new shape and form of your world."---Melody Beattie

Sunday, July 11, 2010

"BE the Lurch. FEEL the Lurch. You ARE the LURCH."
(intoned in your best Michael Cain voice from Miss Congeniality)

Oh, I am feeling much better. And I AM better.
By increments. With tons of love, prayer, support, and help from strategic places and people.

This last week. Whh---e---ll-lll...what can I say?
The Universe will get your attention one way or t'other. Ask me if you don't believe it. Or keep doing what you have always done and see what happens.

When you are incapacitated in just about every way and there is nothing you can do about it, you get quiet real fast. And then you stay there. You go crazy on the inside. You feel like you are going to explode...and then you get quiet again. And you start to listen. Deeply. Delicately. In the crevices. In the spaces that are begging for a clearing and blessing and a dance. That is what happened here. Although they will label it any manner of migraine and benign this and vestibular that and noduled-layered neck burl-thing---I don't care. The same episodes brought St. Teresa of Avila into the presence of her Spouse, Her Beloved, Her Source. Now I did not feel particularly close to God when I was lying in my own vomit on the sidewalk doing my own version of the idiots-in-a-hamster-ball-spinning-all-over-and-upside-down-at-the-Puyallup-Fair
-and-they-paid-good-money-for-it-machine dance....but I met Source in the folks who took care of me at Swedish ( from the beginning cheerful voice-"Erin Raney! That you?! (I can't see, womiting up a storm, in every manner of discomfort and can't do a damn thing after a very uncomfortable and going to be expensive ambulance ride and I hear this comfort right off the bat--"This is Michelle Pugel. I am triage nurse here. We are getting you set up. Hang in there." (Michelle was a classmate from my childhood and a damn fine solid soccer midfielder and I always appreciated how she held her own with teachers.) Then, I met God again in the quiet, efficient, always seemed to be near when I was in tears and confusion voice of my Partner. Then in Mary J. reading her book and telling me the story of her mystery. Then in the nurses--all of them--from the one who was trying to make me feel better when I was womiting with every breath for two days straight---holding my hair back and saying "I have this same thing. It feels crappy. You just feel crappy. (over and over again)." (Note to self-if I become a nurse in another life and have the chance to help someone in the same situation, it is not particularly comforting to listen to someone state the obvious over and over even if they mean to make you feel less alone. It did not help. Dumping the bucket and wiping my face off did. Cooing noises and "there, there" in your best Grandma Surridge voice will work just fine.)I experienced God in the respect for my wishes from anyone that wanted to poke me when I insisted on lydacaine (sp?). I know me now. I know what I can take. I also stood up (not literally) but I can even stick up for myself when I am womiting in the er and they want to give me full doses of stuff. I heard snorting when I said I was a redhead and needed less than half for starters on the stuff. I still stuck up for myself and the sensitivity thing is stil true this morning. I have had no meds yet today (except coffee). I will not go cold turkey but I am learning even more how to take care of myself. Sitting under the elderberry on Mother Earth in bare feet and soccer shorts and shirt for this auspicious day will do more for the likes of me than something that comes from a plastic bottle.

I experienced God straight up in a visit from the Fuzz. He brought me a geode and an empty pot. And gave me a way to do my Owl Dance in a way I have yet to pray. My Body is still saying "What the Whooooooo" this morning. And he listened. I listened, too. Ordinary miracles. They are right here. Right now.

There are too many to recount. I get to Live them. I continue with a cunning plan to sell/give away all extraneous furnishings. Don't need 'em. Clearing the table (literally) and giving it away. Looking for a soft, comfy couch that will allow someone to lay full out that will fit through the front door without taking a chunk out of the frame. Looking for a small table and three small chairs for the kitchen. The writing projects are coming. One word at a time. One Breath at a time. One Head turn at a time. One Lurch at a Time. One Bird in the pear tree at a time. One Joyful Recognizing at a Time. I feel like Mary Magdelene in the garden the morning of the Resurrection----"MASTER!" And lunging (lurching actually) for His Knees to Hold Him...and instead of lovingly telling me to not touch, He has actually joined me on the Ground, His Ground, underneath the elderberry, leaning our backs against the Cross, He is caressing my hand and occasionally brushing back my hair off of my forehead. I can feel the Smile in my body without looking at Him sideways. I can feel the Healing. I can feel the Hope. And we both just sit quietly, breathe together, look at the sky, the pear tree leaves, the bird ballet, and Porter peeing on every tall weed in the grass because it all belongs to him and not the damn squirrels.

Monday, July 05, 2010

"Look at spirit,
how it fuses with earth
giving it new life.

Why are you so busy
with this or that or good or bad
pay attention to how things blend.

Why talk about all
the known and the unknown,
see how the unknown merges into the known?

Why think separately
of this life and the next
when one is born from the last?

Look at your heart and tongue.
One feels but deaf and dumb
the other speaks in words and signs.

Look at water and fire
earth and wind
enemies and friends all at once..."---from Rumi's Life and Death

Shorter walk this morning-only three miles. Did not notice any birds in particular this morning, but there was a group of Newfies and one cat that made it kind of interesting. James was not a quiet Newfie nor did he listen to his person. The coffee was good, too. Had a quiet 4th. Needed that. Will have a much longer walk this afternoon. And some agility training in the backyard. Having fun with recall games.

Noticing what happens when I now have the time and space to feel things at their own pace and depth. Some of it hurts. Body goes into drama. Doesn't serve me anymore. Working on the balance thing with this.....and letting the feelings feel. And letting them go--or walking the snot out of them or letting Mother Earth hold my tears and craptastic "poor, pitiful me" tantrum emotions that show up from time to time...there is no poor, pitiful me anywhere near me or in me. She is not here. She is not there. She is not anywhere.

I am enjoying not knowing what is next. I am enjoying not planning and setting out the framework of a path. I am not exactly enjoying the powerful dreams that are showing up illuminating these firsts but there they're.

And I am enjoying that I have a dog who does not react to fireworks. Sleeps right through them.

Saturday, July 03, 2010

I am thankful to be an American.

Today, Porter has been a member of my pack for one year.

And I really like my Bookgroup. We talk just about everything. We read just about everything.

Went and looked at 4 pieces of rural property today in Snohomish County. This is going to take some time but not forever and not not.