I have gone over to the dark side.
I have now officially read Book 1: Twilight. Silly me...did not know there were others. 3 to be exact. I guess I have been preoccupied with other things these past two years. Just checked out the synopsis of each one and look forward to more brain candy on our next school break. Will someone please tell me why the current, most popular female main characters have to be weak, lacking in self-confident whiners who can't make up their own minds? Is this the appeal to the under 20 crowd? On the other hand, I also finished Esperanza Rising, an excellent story whose main character also has lots of questions and must learn to cope with trauma and change in her life during the Depression times here in the U.S. as a Mexican immigrant. Her life changed radically as the only daughter of a kind, successful wealthy ranchowner when her father was murdered and her home and livelihood were destroyed in a fire. She and her mother come north to save their lives and the challenges continue. Looking forward to book group discussion on this one. Would also like to bring Twilight into the book group perhaps....

I met a camel named Curly on Saturday, a mini Christmas burro named Mo and three reindeer- Blitzen, Dasher (?), and Jingle. Jingle was busy at the photo shoot. Tried to find Russian sage but t'isn't the season for that. That was fun to go to Swanson's to check out the ho-ho-ho spirit up there. Thanks, Jean, for the idea.:)

Rested these knees. And hip. Wrecked myself playing soccer at the mudbowl..and a couple of months of ignoring my wellness regimen where knees are concerned. Wanted tortellini and other snacks. Extra weight on joints-not good. Makes me walk like my grandma. Must turn this around again. Cannot chase children and proceed throughout my day without grunting with this situation.

The Celtic Yuletide season is off. I went yesterday to help and hang out. Did both. There is one piece that Philip plays that he composed this fall when he was in Ireland. I tell you I was transported over wind and waves to faerie realm when the violin and 'cello wove in. Looking forward to more soothing magic and choices.

Porter is fine. And furry. And full of himself.

Busy at school these next few weeks.
Still working to conclude this water heater issue satisfactorily. Not there yet.
Grateful for cozy nights.
I need to check in with my niece to see if I can be on Team Edward AND Team Jacob.

It is a strange paradox that fulfillment is so much about surrender.--Gunilla Norris

Did you see the sky this morning? Layered clouds slipping across the white-blue-pink toward the north-east. A few terns turning here and there. No noise.

Played frisbee by moonlight last night.
Trying to find clean socks this morning.
Thankful to be here.

Coffee. Fire.Soft music. Soft light. Pup chewing on first Kong breakfast. Work in hand. Laundry going. A lovely morning. Workout coming up. Walk, too.
Wet, slimy, cold, outside this weekend. Fun walks and playtime.
New bird I can't identify. We think it might have been a raven commenting on our game of sheltie ball in the lower garden. The waters of the river were up and over in parts of the lower meadow. It was a gift to watch the elk come up and over the river bank and into the lower meadow just as we returned from our walk up into the hills across the road. Lots of mud. Lots of sniffs for Porter. Baby deer, too, checking us out. Momma was lost to disease a few weeks back. Little Feather is not sure they will make it through the winter.
Cozy, intellectually stimulating, connective evening. Simple, vegan harvest meal. Cozy sleeps. Good long drives for thinking. Home to hot water and nap.

I am thinking on what some consider is necessary for their lives in living and working situations..and how that is different from what I think is necessary for me. I am not as into simple as I had hoped. I also don't want to give up certain things unless I have to. I also don't want to keep paying the price (energy, time, financial, emotional, mental) for some of it. I also like not sharing a space with other humans right now. For the time being.

It's just a cold. Not the flu. Whew.
Wasn't feeling too well yesterday. Woke up with a little sore throat and a stuffed up nose this morning, but nothing worse.
Got some coffee and put myself and the pup on the treadmill. On the treadmill, I've been reading SARK's Bodacious Book of Succulence". About living with fear and loneliness and feelings you don't know what to do with. This struck me this morning--"Nothng is coming. All I can do is breathe and wait"---Sark's friend, Miriam.

Another friend of hers, Larry, had this to say,"Why are you measuring how you feel by what you think you are not getting?"

I have to work again today. It is a special sacramental day for the students I teach...and for their families. Then I am off to the Field to enjoy Thanksgiving tonight with my Family of Choice in Grays Harbor County. And to walk with Porter on some beaver-damned embellished lonely logging roads and to play sheltie ball in the lower garden now that most everything has been gathered in.

Last night, another miracle was checked off my list. I experienced the 1742 version of Handel's Messiah live--with baroque replica instruments and bows, with the number and type of choir he chose to have in Dublin, with the energy and styling that was alive in his work and not the prominent French stylings of the time which are present in most current orchestral presentations of Messiah. It was filling. It was sublime. It was Prayer. It was Healing. It was God smiling in all of us and Jesus with His Arm up and fist alight, pulling down in the air saying "YESSS!!!!!". And to have the Scriptural text there while the choir was going. Oh, I want to listen again here in my home or on a roadtrip in the same clear, simplified, perfect expression. Wow.

There is so much confusion around. And then there is Handel.

Some days it is hard to live with fear.
It just is.
Going to do it anyway. And go hang around children until I remember what's Real.
Hot water heater should be mostly fixed. The other parts have been special ordered and will need to be specially bent and formed here. Not my problem to solve. Should have been done last year when this was installed. The Holy Spirit stepped in yesterday.Good things happened in the afternoon to fix what was actually wrong with the new tank and there were several things wrong. Thank heavens for warranties which expire next week!

Yesterday was a tough day at Cancer Care. Apparently I have tiny veins and haven't been drinking water. Forgot about that part. Lots of poking and thrashing and no staying stuck. I hate that. And I felt everything yesterday--first day of my period. I can practically see through walls I am so sensitive during the first 48 hours. I can tell you what the folks two blocks away are making for dinner. It's weird. And it was not a tough day for me in that I got another all-clear. I was around a lot of people who did not. And who were in tough, tough, tough places. It is so hard to be there. I talked with my team about stretching my visits out. After the next 90 day check-up, we can begin there.

Lots of extra school hours over the next few days. Then down to the Field for Thanksgiving with Family of Choice. Porter really loves to play in the lower garden and bounce in the tall grasses looking for me or the ball or both. I am looking forward to a long walk in the woods on unused logging roads. Need to be in the woods.
Fear.....doesn't have a place in my Life. Or if Fear does, then sit down, please, right next to Kiss My Adorable B&%$ Attitude, "what would you like in your tea?", and what do you have to share with me in the form of a gentle lesson...and I accept 7 year old humor if you have any good jokes.

On one other note, as I have been thinking about what I want and expect in the forms of new to me work in my future, I have noticed that every place I have been thinking about has had job openings in the EXACT spots, with the EXACT hours I was thinking about, and the expected compensations...hmmmmm. Turi, this is one big expansive Uh-Huh.........

It's raining dogs and dogs out there.
Which means the pilot light on my new water heater is out again.
After I spent most of the day waiting for the gas company to come and tell me why it was out in the first place and was charged almost $200 just to have them push the buttons the same way I did (and others who have also done this) just a few more times until ignition. Turns out that this new heater which was installed with the "oh, yes, we have fixed the direct venting problem that your funky little house warrants" wasn't fixed at all. They just put a fancy covering over the same old vent and did nothing to the outside. I am mad. pissed actually. impatient. tired of seeming to be taken for a fool homeowner who can't do for herself. I did my research. I checked the kind of water heater that I had put in (American company, good reputation, not the best, not the worst, a solid, workable middle of the road model that would suit our needs here and had a good working reputation). I checked out the company who installed it. Now I am back on the phone with that guy. And he did not follow through on his promise earlier to day. He has not yet met the walking equivalent of "pissed tenacity" with paperwork. He will. This ain't right. I am waiting for the gas to clear so I can reset the pilot light between wind storms. No bath tonight. Oh well.

Started scrubbing walls today. And cleared out more tubs of camping junk and art supplies that I don't use and won't. Spent too much time reading news and stuff on Oprah's website. Got my haircut again. I love this no fuss do. Don't like short hair but it works for me right now. Heard from my adoption consultant with some guidelines for the next hoop. I kid you not. Getting preggers and having a kid is NOTHING compared to all this b-s. And way cheaper. And way less time. And way everything....listened to someone tell me this weekend that I am too emotionally invested in this whole thing. Right on this person is. And how can I not be? It has been like looking at an empty ultrasound photo for 5 years and waiting for the magic to happen and the heartbeat to show up...how can I not be vested completely, soul-FULLY, entirely in being a MOM??????? How can I not be?I talk a good game and it's all talk. My Heart is so wound up in this. Could any woman who wants her own child not be vested like this? How could you go to all this trouble, heartache, expense of time and energy and hoops and scrutiny and invasion of privacy and not be vested with every cell you have? I am not sorry for this. I don't intend to change this. I will deal and rebalance if I have to. For now, I stay the course. Hope it isn't like Iraq or Afghanistan...The "book" is next. It's like selling yourself to a prospective birth mom. Not like. It is.

Had a wonderful time at the ocean. Used a gift certificate from last Christmas and stayed at a really nice place in Westport that I never would have chosen for myself.
Pup friendly. Right next to the 2+ mile coast walk and next to the beach. Great views of the crashing waves and wind and clouds. Had a cozy and relaxing time as well as long walks on the beach. Got to have tea and a 3 hour chat with Will and Little Feather and 5 cats on the way back home. Ideal mini-break. Will get to the Westport Maritime museum next time. Didn't open until 12 noon and the Field was calling. Porter had a ball(literally) playing Sheltie of the Serengheti boinging up and down, over and about in the tall grasses in the lower garden and because it is all deer-fenced in, he can run without a leash. He is so not trustworthy yet on the recall. He is not trustworthy on anything really. I had fun (not but I was patient) introducing him to the vacuum today and teaching him not to attack it while I am doing the ducts and vents and corners. It took a good long while and that is part of puppy training hell. But it is really heaven because it will pay-off and I know this. It has only been 4 months. I forget that. And I am still grieving Cedar so much I can hardly see straight. I accept how things are. Radically. And I still miss his gentle, goofy, silly, reliable heart. Porter has learned how to get himself out of two portable crates by now. I watched him do this at the Field. First time round, I came out to check on him and he was laying on top of it. I had left him asleep IN IT zipped up and cozy. That didn't work for him. Then I put him back in it after we played a bit. And he got out again. He is a thinking dog. Who likes it the way he likes it. He fits this pack perfectly. He got tossed in the cabash twice today for whining and left outside with in the storm (not unsupervised) when he wouldn't come when I called. He did not like that.

I have hurt my knee. Too much walking on the beach added to Curves, treadmill time, and neighborhood puppy walks and dancing. Hasn't hurt like this in almost 5 years. Can't walk or bend it. Comfrey is my friend. So is puttering and putting the dog on the treadmill by himself after our slow walk in the slime. I've been doing some enjoying of lots of tortellini soup and have already maxed to my winter form. Probably not so good this early in the season, but it is what it is. Need to take it easy. I can still teach and teach dance well. It's keeping what's his nose moving that is the challenge. We have played lots of indoor ball fetch today. Love the double doors. This home needs indoor paint in a lot of places. It looks positively shabby. I have some home improvement projects planned for this winter. Needed a day in to notice things.
Too much talk, I know. It's how it is. And in the scheme of things, all shall be well. Because it already is. And I like popcorn and apples for dinner. I also enjoyed watching pieces of Prince Caspian off and on throughout the day. SO thankful for mute buttons and fast forward of scary battle scenes.

Porker has outgrown Fiona's gortex raincoat. Sadie's extra-wide version just fits him. He is almost 7 MONTHS old. On the spectrum of ottoman likeness variability, what comes after "brickhouse"(Sadie's designation)? Off to the ocean (thank you Julie and Sara for that Christmas gift)...need this very much.

Was reading last night in Anne Lamott's Plan B: something struck me and stuck...
"Reading was like breathing fresh ocean air, or eating tomatoes from old man Grbac's garden. My parents and librarians, along the way, taught me about the space between words; about the margins, where so many juicy moments of life and spirit and friendship could be found."--p. 143

There is no hot water for baths here. Pilot light on the new water heater does not work. My dad did his "Mission Impossible over the Phone and No, you won't blow your house up (I think)and if you do, there's always room here" talk while I was trembling down in the basement and going through the directions with him. Thank you, Mon Pere.

I dislike getting ready for substitute teachers. Now we shall see if this new simplified version of "it don't matter anyway" is going to work. It will or it won't and I won't be there to worry about it. There will be no pieces to pick up. We shall just continue where we left off when I return. I have a couple of days of appointments at Cancer Care Alliance next week. Another, not my favorite thing...but I seem to have been bitten by the writing bug. Took the lid off that Dream while on the treadmill this week and something Big is percolating inside. It makes room in my chest like Montana does. I like this. Haven't felt this uncontracted since doing the Waldorf teacher training art sections. All is possible. And it is as if Someone removed a damn dam. Someone did. Me. Whoa...

More good here.
Family conferences over.
A leap of faith taken today.

The good things just keep comin'.
Read Danny Westmeat in the Seattle Times today about Lee the Logger if you haven't yet. More to chew on.
Yesterday, I danced with my 5 sistahs IN THEIR OWN STUDIO getting ready for some Yuletide performances (or not for whomever wants to or not as the case and choice may be)...it is not the performing that feeds my soul...it is the being together, moving together, laughing together, learning together, missing our one who isn't here in body and sweat and who is in our hearts, challenging each other, drawing close, laughing because our 9 and some year old niece totally outdances us and now when she makes suggestions for the steps we are creating, even the pieces she is showing us are beyond our current capability (except for her mother)and she doesn't know it...or she does and is gracious. Either way, I had me some piece of Heaven right here. And I watch myself in the mirror as I dance and am ever grateful for all the walking and treadmilling and Curves R US because my endurance, power, and breath are all in there, in sync, in balance, and in power. There is energy when I want it. I DANCED WITH MY SISTAHS YESTERDAY. I DID. I DID.

And I am preparing for family conferences at my work. Just another hurdle. And I have learned to stop myself when I get into the old groove of too much. No one wants to hear it. It doesn't help the kids (apparently) and I want the time and energy for other things like playing with my dog, dumping another tub or two in the garage, baking bread and making soup and writing. Man, this is Good.

Book Group. Need I say more. I stayed up almost 2 hours past my bedtime because of our community and discussion and Life together last night. I love my Village! And this Golden-haired and Hearted Dog named Star. More bliss-In front of a cozy fire with tea in hand and intelligent women speaking of fear and folly and faith and force..and Gene Rodenberry. Who is a prophet and Wise One for our time. Need to watch some Star Wreck to understand what they are really talking about. I don't remember any plots or characters really although I do remember the boots the ladies wore on the bridge. And the little pins on their uniforms. And how the Captain couldn't talk without sounding like he was hyperventilating.

And I saw the choreography pieces that I did of Pride and Prejudice for the play. It was lovely. And I had fun. And I went...on a Friday...when I am toast...and was glad for it. HNA is a good place for girls...old and young.

And I made a decision to go forward one last time with this adoption journey. One last time. See what comes to us. Or to lay it down. And move on. Like Lee the Logger.

And I love it when Murray comes over to kick Porter's round furry butt. It is like a boxing hedgehog a la manner of a beetle on its back. With teeth. And then Murray starts to growl and his dog-mom pulls him off and he bays at her BAROOOO-OOOO-OOOOO and she puts him on his back and my hedgehog-ottoman gets in the mix and initiates play again before he runs and hides under the Mermaid Pool or the tarps of the woodpile. He gets so tired and I get some time with Brigie.

And I am thinking on returning to French. I can do one date this month. I miss that Village, too. My energy is coming back as I put other things down, respect the sleep I need (or try---4-5 hours a night is the max these days--going through the Change I suppose--and am glad for that--this Body is a gift and one that I love now. No more room or time for self-hatred or actions which don't love it). More baths I say.

I have an "inkling" that is percolating. Keeping it to myself while I do something about it. And I just finished the last of the Narnia books this morning--The Last Battle. Talk about a church experience with coffee and classical music in the background.

Time to do laundry. And some assessments. And bread baking. Going to find out how to make something delish with polenta. And I am going to share with families about their special kids. And as annoying as they are, I am one lucky teacher.

Caught 4 kids cheating on their spelling tests today. We all had a chat. About what you want to be good at--
Porter had a great time at Auntie's house. You will see.
Tomorrow I get to see Pride and Prejudice at HNA..and the dancing. Yay. Once in a lifetime gift to me---
conferences next week. Not looking forward to that. Would like a part-time job next year as an assistant grounds-keeper somewhere nice.
Love his little ears in the photo. The other one I call "Tank Cometh".

I just walked between the full moon caressing my forehead "Good Morning" and the dawn gingerly kissing me awake...with a devil with black fur on who tried to get a minor brawl fest going with a Rottie behind a fence. Porter reminds me of a baby orca.