March is going out like a wet, wild, windy, wanton lion, for sure.

Maybe there's a road that's not this hard....a lovely song by Katrine Polward sent to me by a fairy god-woman. Talks a lot about losing it, finding it, living without it, judging it, judging yourself because of it, being judged by others because of it, and realizing that...you R the "it"...And you can make it your choice or not. It is up to you.

It is on replay at my house. And in my car. And on my ipod.

I've shared this thought before. It is not my thought, and it says what I want said. And lived. From Gunilla Norris:
" A weeded garden is a restful sight.
But, unweeded, it can be dynamic.
See how plants fight for their patch in the sun.
The strong ones survive and not always the handsome.
Perhaps they are the essential plants no one has found the right use for as yet.

Can you trust that out of chaos comes the new?
Order and beauty have fooled many."

I'm not being fooled anymore. I don't believe in order any more or sense either. I do believe in Beauty.

I still am chewing and thinking on the movie and discussion about Archbishop Romero that was from our Peace and Community Group last Sunday. Sleep would be good. The drugs helped yesterday. I am a very sensitive person and have to be very careful with my filters. I have been looking for Hope. I have been listening for Hope. I have been asking for Hope. At Curves this morning, I found it. Barbara is a cellist (sp?) and an international Suzuki teacher. She lived and worked in El Salvador in the 70's and left in late 77 or 78 when she says things got bad. She goes back now every year to bring musical instruments and to give lessons to teachers and students. She spoke this morning about the resilience of the people, of the changes in the situation, of the commitment in the families there to bring education to their children and the basics. She spoke of a friend of hers, a Benedictine priest, who was literally hit on the head (by his friends) to knock him out and he woke up in Guatemala with a one-way ticket back stateside. He had refused to go. The death squads were murdering and torturing priests. He still refused to go. His "crimes"---running the only lending library for poor people in the country and holding literacy classes in the church at night for field workers. He lives in Wisconsin now and still returns to El Salvador with books every year. Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. There are people among us who are living the Grace and Love of Fr. Romero. There. Here. The stories and real-world examples are all over the place. Quietly. Not in the news or on twitter. Not in Order. But this tangled beauty is growing in the most unlikely places. These are the tools I need to disarm this Heart of mine. The rest is up to the Gardener.

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."---shared from our harp friend, Avis:)

Spent the day at Cancer care Alliance--ALL CLEAR!This is the third year mark.
I send this Healthy Mojo out from me to where the Healing is needed most. And the Gratitude. I have to go back soon to have skin spots looked at and they found a lump in my left breast, but as I come from lumpy people who don't willingly or readily give up caffeine, this does not concern me yet. I have been officially inducted into My Caregivers' Group called "Team WELLNESS!" That's why the appointments are still at the end of the day--so we can all leave on a happy note.

I spent the first half of the day in a different section of the care center. There were different caregivers and nurses in there. There is an mandatory observation time after the scans. As I was waiting, I talked with one of the new to me nurses. I asked her why she chose to work in this place and in this field. What follows is a "take your shoes off for you are standing on holy ground" conversation.

She said that she had a hard time finding words for it but it came down to this. Everyone who comes in to the "cancer care" section brought a story, a powerful story, stories that were full of pain, disappointment, hope, lots of humor, attitudes-some positive, some quiet, some defiant against the cancer, some full of hope even though it was a given someone wasn't going live through the treatment but was choosing to continue so that their experience would help someone down the line--she said somewhat apologetically--that is was because this work in this place was FULL OF GRACE! She then said she didn't mean it in a religious sense and I started to laugh and I said that Grace didn't exist apart from Spirit! And that I understood her perfectly. She got quiet and looked at me for a long time and I shared my experience of finding Life-giving Moments, Situations, Words, Energies, LIFE--in everything now. Even the shit.She said I got it. And I knew I had. And I was glad I had my shoes off.

Porter has a major dog version of a stomach ulcer. He also has a severe food intolerance. We will be finding out what it will take to keep him alive and healthy over the next couple of months. We know chicken and potatoes seem to be working. Christmas lights, mouse poop, and suction cups for twinkle lights-nope. Green beans, perhaps, cottage cheese the same, and rice. Grace. I have a job. Three of them. We can do this. We will find the ways....And I am still too drugged to edit any of this. Good night.

Porter has food allergies. What ones we don't know yet...and that's alright. We'll figure that out after he finishes the detox in another 10 days. Reading up on alternatives right now.
Loving the budding trees and shrubs. Feeling sorry for the folks with allergies. Fighting with the dis-ease of being anxious, uptight, mentally-gnawing on bones that aren't mine. Have asked my geek husband to disable facebook for the time being.
Going back to elderberry, harp, moon dances, and journaling. And putting a food words to the page here now and again.

Still no conclusions. Results today.
The vet went spelunking in Porter's gut looking for the thing that the x-rays say is in there. Did not find it. Did not get it. He has an enlarged liver and some other stuff. An infection in his paws. In other words, he is not detoxing. Not good. Hope, hope, hope this is just a whopping food allergy. Food allergy is doable. SO is everything else because we must. That was June's and part of July's mortgage payment. Maybe I will have to take another job this summer...This pattern of sick Shelties is not my favorite. What is up with my boy-dogs?

Spring is here. In my bones. In the air. In our growing things. In Mother's morning whispers. In the energy in my body.In the birds. In the mouse motel in the basement...which is pissing me off because they won't quit pissing off. And making a big, whopping, smelly, unhealthy MESS! Given me a reason to layer up, get out the shovel, and get down to disgusting..whatever it takes. I am not a shirker. Sometimes I wish I was and someone else would just pick up the slack. I see this in the world A LOT. We are in research mode to find out what to do about this wee cottage. This charming fixer-upper needs a new upper and a new lower and a newer kitchen and another bathroom. I have a job for next year and probably for any year that I want it. I am learning to have more of a backbone there, too. Handing back shovels to many students and to their parents with the full intention that they do their own work and clean up. Sometimes (ALWAYS) it takes some work and intention and effort and practice to learn to use all the shovels we need in life, in and OUT of school. This lesson is also being learned on the home front...makes it difficult to watch when the need for the shovel isn't even on the radar. We shall see. Sometimes we don't get the shovels sorted out until we are in our forties. Just so long as I get a nice glass of wine once in awhile when I set the shovel down and pick up a tulip instead or the harp instead or a good book or the hand of my husband or a friend or my dog's sweet face.
Like Mary Englebreit (sp?)says,"We all need freedom, sunshine, and a little flower." I'll add "shovel" to that list. For the time being.

"Stay calm. Be brave. And let the Good news alone."--sign off from the BBC

Seen today on my morning walk with Porter.

For All of Us:

Deep Joy of a 5 year old dancer's first show reel,
Deep Trust of the daffodils and cherry blossoms and flowering currants that know the perfect time to emerge,
Deep Peace of a long walk under moon and stars and salt-scented breezes,
Deep Peace of the loving touch of a partner, a friend, a dog-nose up yours, a cat-paw attention-swat, a heron aloft on a westerly wind, a friendly voice on phone, fb, or in real time,
Deep Peace of the Loving Source of Peace. Peace be with us. Peace. Peace.

We are united in Love.

Blessed are we who Hope.

Porter made it to his 2nd Birthday--TODAY! (He is getting surgery next week for his present and we will see him make it to his 3rd and beyond!)

I was reading about saying Good-bye--to dreams, beloveds, situations, regrets----none of this is easy. It just clears out space and Healing for other Dreams and Love to Grow.

While part of me is devastated at the pain and struggle of Beloveds, at what is happening in Japan and the world, at the need and survival existence of children in Swaziland and everywhere, at animal cruelty, at fear of what may happen---I still Stand and Laugh and Thank and Hold in Love and Peace and Delight with Loving Source who makes the blossoms to unfold at the perfect moment, Who sends angels in human and other disguise to remind you of who you really are, Who Holds you in ways you cannot see, feel, hear, while at the same time reminding your Circle and Village who can see, hear, feel, and share to do this for you when you need it most....I am also most profoundly thankful this morning (for three in a row actually and still counting) for the gift of faith that my parents instilled and nourished in me. Without it, I would be one lost pup.

My next door neighbor, Maryanne (three time breast cancer survivor) told me about a sign she has hanging in her living room--"Laughter is a SURVIVAL skill!". It was the first thing she hung up in her house after it was newly painted and she looks at it everyday and lives it.

Tonight (and always) we are praying.
Friday night, 7pm, at Raney Homestead.
Join us in Heart, Spirit, and/or Presence.
There is Power here. And Light. And Healing. And Respect, And Hope.
Love, Erin

Found this in an article about what to do when you become disheartened by a job search that seems to be going nowhere. That isn't my issue. I just found this list to be appealingly concrete. I shall choose to apply its principles to a couple of my "Dreams"...then we shall see. The 4 "R's" approach to late winter and maybe upcoming spring seem to be working(Relax, Regroup, Restore, & Rejoice). Even if my pants don't fit properly, I am thankful to have pants, to have a working body upon which to squinch said pants, enjoy having matching socks for the sitcheeashun, and to be walking, walking, dancing some, and more walking in the longer lighter days and eves.
On to the actual bit of the article--think it might be from the Seattle Times...

So, you're asking, what should I do?

1. Interrupt your current thought pattern. Shut off that internal dialog by changing your activity. Does swinging a golf club take your mind off negativity? Is it doing yoga, calling a best friend, getting outdoors or reading fiction?

2. Devise a plan. Unless you move forward, the negativity is going to hold you back. Even if you haven't figured everything out, don't use the excuse that you're "soul-searching." I know folks who are in their late sixties who are still soul-searching. It will never end. You have to sketch out your future in order to give yourself the light at the end of the tunnel. Some books call it "vision boarding," some call it simply creating a list of what you want. You need to do more than just pure positive-thinking, though. I suggest you come up with an actionable plan, no matter how imperfect it might be.

3. Find a knowledgeable, motivated, and successful peer group. You won't be able to carry yourself forward all the time because you won't have all the answers, motivation or knowledge required to be successful. But others will. Take advantage of their generosity and surround yourself with those who can help you.

4. Give yourself a break. This situation is temporary. We've all been through this; chances are we'll go through it again. It means nothing about you, your self-worth or how good you are. As some say, "life happens." No matter how difficult and stressful this process may be, find a way to make this positive for yourself. See it as a journey to your brighter future.

I've coached enough people to see that at the end, everyone succeeds. Some are more fortunate than others, but if you follow these suggestions, you can dramatically shorten your transition time.

Lord of the Springtime, Father of flower, field, & fruit,
smile on us in these earnest days when the work is heavy and the toil wearisome;
lift up our hearts, O God, to the things worthwhile-sunshine,
the dripping rain, birdsong, books & music, & the voices of friends.-W.E.B.DuBois


It's been a little wacky on this spinning bird feeder-thing I call being back in the schedule of this chosen life. Had a "come to Jesus" moment and meeting yesterday. So, it appears I am receiving the next big lesson opportunity on my list...ever grapple with this one, the one in which you are "drowning" in your work, home, other work, other work than that, care for all family members so that you sort of neglect yourself, wanting to read something, anything, but don't have the energy to open the book, forgetful of when you last took a shower, organic p'sgettios are high cuisine? I am making the what would seem to be obvious choice of not grappling anymore. Don't want to dance the 8o millionth figure of this endless,less than worthwhile dance for uno. Standing knee deep in snow under a stand of spruce sisters listening for something playing in the water and holding a cup of tea while keeping my dog redirected from playing in that water---plugging in to what was really important and carrying it home here to my life in the city, sending it to Beloveds with the Peace, Hope, and Love that are the only REAL things to me.

Got a visit yesterday from admin. It has been noticed that I am working too hard. Story of my life. And not working smart (my words). Was given Cosmic permission yesterday (and administrative) to relax, regroup, and rejoice. Needed that reminder--greatly. I don't know how (YET) to give it to myself and when I don't, I end up with migraines or other. I'll start with forgiving myself for needing yet another opportunity to learn this lesson that I have been given to learn since (I remember this exact same conversation the first time when I was in 7th grade at this very school from a teacher who had tuned in to me and my focused habits--and I have had this very same conversation at every place of work except Mississippi). Bottom line--we are all moving, growing, learning. And the piles of work to be gotten to (it's early and I can write with Bad English if I want to), the fact that I never show up to eat lunch with the other faculty, and when someone comes looking for me, I am always working with students during lunch--someone noticed. It has also been noticed that I look like shit (my words, not theirs)---exhausted. I didn't notice. But it corresponds to the newest facet of this earthly shell--hot flashes and sweats, 4-5 a night, that wake me up and keep me up. And changing of clothes, and all that good stuff. I am NOT complaining. It is just another thing to dance with. This body is doing what it does. Some of it is not comfortable. It is what it is. I have choices there, too.

So I have begun the relax, regroup, and rejoice part of this lesson. In some very specific ways. I found my purse (missing for some time now). I have a healthy, happy, taken care of dog. I found a section of my kitchen table. I returned to the music that feeds my soul. I took a shower. Worked out. Made coffee. Walked the pup. Returned a few borrowed books. Sent a note to a friend that needed one. Prayed. (Actually all of this is.) Wrote on my blog. I don't want to be sick. Crazy. Overworked. Time to change the old 8-track from "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" to "Winter Into Spring".