Actually woke up rested this morning. Then I went to look where my dog was sleeping. And it hit. again. And I wonder when is this bad dream of a life going to end and when do I get to wake up without tears?

Took my coffee outside and sat in the sun and listened to the birds, put my barefeet on the ground, looked at all the growing things, and wondered what to do. Since I don't know, I got more coffee. And I sat some more. Next maybe I'll do dishes and work on more schoolstuff and in the garden. I feel like a zombie. As long as I keep moving, then it all doesn't hurt so much. I don't know and I don't really even care. I look fine on the outside.

And I am so damn sick and tired of explaining to others. So I'm just not. I'm fine. That's it. fine.

Made it through the workweek.
Have my lavender boots on. Gonna work in the garden in between bouts of other stuff that isn't important.
Gonna plant some.
Dreamt last night that I was pregnant and didn;t care what anyone thought. Woke up for the first time feeling like more like myself. Since I have only slept twice this week for a total of less than 7 hours, I'd say that was an improvement.
And a pigeon family has made their home in my eave...and have somehow gotten into the attic area. I have a feeling they have issued an invitation to their starling relatives. I am on that one, too.

I will be teaching "blueberries' this year in Jonestown and other organic, healthy fruits and vegetables....I should say teaching the topic of....and of course, we have sports camp-soccer, swimming, tennis, basketball, volleyball, dance, softball...trying to figure out how we could introduce curling....maybe not this year. I will also be working with the first graders for a spell each day and in the mornings with the toddlers doing whatever needs to be done.

Must get through the next few weeks. I'll start with this morning.

My tears are my prayers. Still.
Several moments yesterday when I didn't cry (at least on the outside) and a few more weeds got pulled.
I am so thankful for the doghair.
And for all the support.
As Brenin put it this week, there are no words....and there will come a time, not too long from now, where I will be able to remember without sadness, remember the happy, the good, the "Ours".

Brenin-that's one wise guy. And I know he's right. I just got to get through this. And I am.

Attraversiamo, Mi Caro. ("Let us cross over, My Darling)
Cedar crossed over the Rainbow Bridge today. I held him in my arms. We had a long, sweet time before. Jean and Laura were with us.
I can't talk about it now. I am dying inside.

Bringing Cedar home from hospital today. We are going to have some quality time at home before we do what will need to be done. Thankful for my Sisters-Star, Of Origin, Of Choice and Those with Beards-for wrapping me by phone, by presence, by prayer so I can't scream, twirl, flail, die over and over again. Being held has its peace. The shock of all this and other shit is overwhelming. That's not going to be the reality when Little Man comes home today. I can see to that. I can be the Peace and Quiet and Love...been there before. Everything around us just swirling and doing its thing while we snuggle together in Heaven here or ambling down the block. Been here before. This is how I KNOW Heaven...not know about. In this space of pain, shock, anticipatory loss, chaos, doubt, shit, shit, shit---there is the REAL SPACE-the space of Grace. We-my Little Man and me--are resting in it-he's resting--I'm having meltdown after meltdown-but it is Here. And we are in It. We are It.

I can't back this one up to the base of the cross yet...but that's not because the cross isn't there. I prefer the wrap. The hold.

I read this last night "Your tears are your prayers."

Cedar has perked up some. We had a slowish walk (Fiona Jr.)and he was smiling. Then we sat together. I brought a t-shirt that smelled of me. He rested his head on it. I massaged him and his breathing settled. He is eating some. He is showing interest in things that are going on around him (so say the techs). His values only improved 25% not enough for the minor miracle we were hoping for, but the vets do not think that he is in any discomfort. They know I am in heart-sick grief pain because the end is inevitable and sooner rather than later. They didn't want to hear that I don't consider this good quality of life compared to how he is usually--running, playing, jumping, barking. They told me that it is painful because I know the change and that he doesn't. I don't know that I agree with them but he was happy to see me and oh, I was so happy to be with him. He is staying over night to see if we can lower the values even more. It was quality of life, Our Life-to walk together and to just be. Then I will bring him home tomorrow hopefully for a little bit more time of just being together. He will require a regimen to hold things at a plateau. I honestly don't know what I think about any of this. I went there today prepared to put him down. Or to prepare myself for it tomorrow. It may still happen. It may not.

I don't know what to do. I can't hold it together anymore. I don't have reason to. Not that is here, now, tangible, real. The things I care about most and close are being ripped from me, shredded, in unforeseen bits and chunks. And I am trapped. All around. I know there is a support network and a whole lot of Love but I just want all of this pain to stop. And to do the right thing by my dog and me.

Can't sleep. Can't do anything but cry. Thinking on what is coming.
How am I going to live my life without his sweet, funny way of being?
The same way I have when I was at the "Good-bye Door" before--one breath at a time. ANd right now, I can't breathe. I can't anything. Except do what needs to be done.

Cedar and I spent some time together tonight at the hospital. He was very glad to see me. Mostly, we just sat and snuggled. He had a little interest in the ball but not much. He just lays his head on my leg or looks at me while I stroke him. He knows he is loved. And I know I am.

Cedar only has one kidney. He was born that way. There aren't even any blood vessels or a tiny anything to indicate that he ever had a second kidney. And the one kidney that he has doesn't work at all, is scarred, and misshapen. He is resting at the hospital. I will go see him later after the rush of Friday night emergencies. The vet said he will never be normal again. She does want to wait and watch for 24 hours to see what his one kidney left does with the fluids and other intravenous goodies he is receiving. She is not hopeful. Neither am I.

I don't know what to do with myself but cry.

Cedar is not doing well. His prospects aren't good.
He is experiencing kidney failure. The best we can hope for is leptospirosis. The vet does not think this is it. He is in hospital now for at least a few days. They are stabilizing him. They will also do more tests. The vet honestly said that she doesn't think that this is something that can be improved or changed. It is about his quality of life. Our Life.
At least he will be becoming more comfortable with the care at ACCESS for the next few days and nights. I get to visit. Unless he exhibits anxiety when I go to leave or after.
I am going to get something to eat and then do yardwork.
Prayers, Zen, Positive Energies, anything you want to send is accepted, welcomed and will join the Pool of Abundance that Already Exists by the Bucketfuls around Here.
This is Love. I am okay where it matters most.

Cedar has significant kidney damage.
He is out of it again. We are just back from the vet...again.
We go out to ACCESS tomorrow morning for an ultrasound and an appt. with an internist. They are the best out there.
Then we will know more of what to do. It could be hereditary. It could be that he ate something toxic that hurt his kidneys. It could be something else not good. It was like walking Fiona in her old, old age tonight with my bright-spirit boy-dog. Let's see if he will eat something. Let's see if he will respond to ball.
We'll just have to wait and see.
It has been a hard day.

"Few women can wave their hands and start an authentic life over from scratch. But all of us can begin working with what we've got.Working with our real life circumstances is HOW we render reality perfected."--_San Ban Abundance


I'm not looking for perfect. I am looking for what is perfect for ME. Where I fit. Not to fit in someplace where I don't.

So it's out there. I have some decisions to make. They aren't easy. Lots of opportunities for lavendar hip-waders(Thanks, Laura)

I haven't gotten this far in my career to find out just yestarday that what I do doesn't work. Who I AM doesn't work. It just doesn't work there. And that's what is on the plate for the moment.

Cedar is recovering. We still don't know what is wrong. Test results back to day. And he is still limping but he is eating some and barking at cats.

Needed the Village last night and got it. Thanks, Ladies.
Sicheeashun at work has me in a conundrum--getting my response and feelings around it squared away. Not too much inner questioning when I checked in with the Truth Squad.
And it matters that I have that honest, clear feedback. Many thanks.

I also took the suggestion of one of these Villagers and made out my Dream Job list-very specific, down to the details and then put it on the prayer altar with a prayer and gave it to God. Okay then.

Cedar is not feeling well. Working on that one.
The rest of everything else seems balanced. Seems. I am happy to be Me. I am happy to Be in this skin, this world, this life, this Love.

Even if being a Taurus, Celtic, know-it-all with a huge heart is a pain in the rear challenge sometimes.

The irises are blooming and so are the "mayflowers"--hawthorn trees. Special amazing time. Been enjoying noting the waves of when and how things bloom. Great metaphor for our Life.

Home site visit went well.
Started off by giving her a cup of tea with a bug in it. Cedar minded his manners very well. Mostly.
We chatted for about an hour. She wondered if I was making the sage room into a dining room. I said no-it is a bedroom. Oh. Changed my specs to accept a child up to age 4-5. This opens things dramatically and puts me info out into two programs and more places.
Updated all the info in the home study. Feel good about this.

Been having powerful-feeling/events dreams lately-for about three weeks. Sometimes they leave me reeling with grief or an essence of manifest-potential. Last night's was about becoming president. Obama dropped dead. No vice-president around. No due process. I was coming in from a soccer game. I did not know the job but I knew I could do it. And it had to be a woman in the position. I stepped up. All the other women who could've ran out the door except a circle of MY women--and they stayed to forma circle of support while I took the oath--with my mother standing right behind me (like a confirmation sponsor)with her hand on my shoulder. She was smiling. Turi had a drum and a bottle of wine. Mary J had her fishing pole. Jenny had ribbons. And so many more. I know this is a reflection of this adoption journey place.

Another one --a big party going on. I'm upstairs with Fiona and Sadie. And in order to come to the party I have to put my dogs down again. Couldn't do it. All night long. over and over again. The deepest grief and peace (and headache/bodyaches/dizzy) with that one. We're coming into the season of remembering. I prefer to remember them in all ways and every way on my walks, and while camping, and out playing. We are not separate. I know this. I live this. Dreams are shit sometimes.

Another one. Time to dance/perform with the sisters. Except there aren't any sisters. Just our dancing stuff thrown around backstage-tights, shoelaces, headbands, costumes. The music is on. And I'm the only one back there. I hear Brigie coming but she is late. She is out watching her Matt. Woke up from that one crying. I know I am grieving the letting the dancing-performing with my sisters go. It will just have to have its grieving time, too. I won't say it is okay because none of this important stuff feels like it. And it will eventually be. Because all is well. All will be well. Nothing can really and truly hurt us or separate us. And me from whom and what I LOVE.

My dog eats pinecones and dirt.
He doesn't quite get camping. Or maybe he does. So much so that he walks funny for two days afterward, doesn't eat, and acts rather glum until the experience "moves on through". I wondered what he was doing all that time under the picnic table when Mary and I were setting around the campfire. Lydia filled me in while he was filling in her backyard this morning. Took a couple of runs with Dave around her backyard and then he was back to his usual gooney self.

We had a great time camping. Can't tell you how wonderful it felt/feels to be back in that saddle. I want to go out of this life with my camping duds on, lavendar boots included, smelling of campfire smoke. Once again, we attracted some "interesting" folk---someone who just wanted to "pass through" our campsite to get to the lake and he ended up staying at our campfire extolling his own virtues and thinking that as single women we were inclined to do the same. We weren't. We fixed that. Now we just have to prevent that b-sh*t from happening again. We are interested in people but not THAT interested. Esp. not the kind that aren't balanced and who are stoned and drunk. Maybe that's it--we look or act stoned or drunk ourselves? Don't know. Alcohol was at a strict minimum for us this weekend. We forgot to bring anymore that what I had left over after last week. We remembered everything else we needed and if it wasn't there, we didn't need it. Tea, cocoa, cedar boughs, pinecones (Mary and I did not eat our fair share), birdsong, stars, campfires, long walks, naps, working and jawing around the fire, cooking and enjoying being together. Yes, Yes, YES!!!

Went up to the Sultan Session last night at this great place called "Ed's Apples". Got a few-"Are you one of the Raney's?" when I took off my hat. Tried to keep to the back and enjoy the music and the people. Met a group of very beginner dancers who were shy about dancing and we helped to undo that . It was a lovely time. I plan to go again. I also found a wonderful piece of land. Need $895,000. I plan to find out about one little section that has a cabin on it that is on Rice Road. Maybe they would let a piece of it go. I love that part of the world. The will be needing teachers up in Monroe and around there again sometime in the near future.

I am waiting on a visit from my social worker this evening. She is coming to check out Fair Isle. Cedar is passed out on one of his posts. He had to set in every chair in the house this morning between last night and now. It was hilarious. He is King in his own mind. School is proceeding like a loaded freight train. Except I have the illusion that I am copilot.That works. At least for now. I am not drowning in paper work.

All clear.
At Cancer Care.
And through Mississippi.
Next?


On another note...I am right in the middle of getting stuck...and I hear the usual "Are you one of THE Raneys?" Why, yes, I am. And you might be...? Oh, I dated your cousin, Kevin, and I was Shannon's best friend in highschool.(One of the nurses in the blood draw section). We had a lovely chat. She is the mom of three children, two adopted, one donated embryo. She and her partner also are foster parents and have fostered infants that were adopted into the program that I am in for the agency. There is more to this story. She wanted to tell me today and my sister-in-law offered, too. I was not ready to hear it today. I will soon. I still don't believe things happen for reasons. And I was glad to have the distraction and the richness and honesty of what was shared. And I did so much lovely texting that it made the first two hours fly by. The rest was helped by Fletcher just being there. Reading his Kindle and offering to wake me up if I wanted to nap.

Apparently I set off the computer in the consulting room today. It wouldn't work for the Oncology Nurse. She said that never happens. And it messed up twice while I was in the room. Tried to explain this sort of thing happens all the time around me-technology goes into apoplexy. Just ask my alarm clock.

I have so many conflicting feelings and thoughts when I go down there to SCCA. Words that were in an article in the Seattle PI today about a police officer who has "beat" cancer. Things like "You end up belonging to a club you never wanted a membership to" (Attributed to a dead guy-guess the cause) and how you just never know what to depend on ever again...and a whole lot of other things that there just aren't English words for. And seeing all the people who aren't doing so good. And the energy of that. I do need to guard better. Nothing can hurt me but I am susceptible to the energies. Makes the valium seem like a pleasant option for oblivion. Whatever.

What now? What next?Not stinking satisfied with stuff and minutiae and pulling grass.

New Normal.
Two words.
I can't find mine.
And some are.
And that's just GRAND!

As you close your eyes,
sink into stillness.
Let these periods of rest and respite
reassure your mind
that all its frantic fantasies
were but the dreams of fever
that has passed away.
Let it be still
and thankfully accept its healing.
No more fearful dreams will come,
now that you rest in God.--From A Course in Miracles

What a beautiful day. Off to work.

Gratitude Journal time:
What are your five blessings for the day? Don't think about it too much, don't think about it at all--just what comes up? And more than five--add 'em to the list!
*warm, dry home
*good coffee
*hot shower
*my health
*Cedar
*good night's sleep
*a job that meets my needs
* my beloveds
* my health
...

Wow! It is slogging out there! Quite a storm! We've had a nice little walk out in the elements. I love that. And I love coming home after.

Been thinking again. Trying not to. That's never gonna happen.
At one point, I was missing the 80's...there was a blissful ignorance in not being "awake". How stupid is that. Nostalgia sucks. the life right out of now.

Sarah Ban Abundance had something worth remarking upon--I've noticed it before.
We outgrow things that we used to consider useful, necessary, and beautiful. There comes a time to clear and to wait. Wait for things that are useful and beautiful for who you are NOW.

I feel sometimes as if I am drowning in all the compartments and foibles, dog towels and unanswered Christmas cards and Get Well cards, black tights and grammar tests from last week, potato smashers from Auntie Helen (I really only have one) and digital scrapbooking tools that I may or may not need to use to make a lifebook(haven't heard back from Mississippi which had to verify and clear the adoption agency license before they could give the adoption agency that needed for me to be cleared the thumbs up that yes, indeed, I am a good person who has never messed with kids on record in Mississippi--and for the record , I have never messed with kids. period. anywhere.-still waiting). What next. I am so tired and fed up with that whole process. I just think what a waste. I was 38 when I started this journey. I am now 47.

Off for more coffee. and to feed my dog. and to get out some dry dogtowels.
And to remember to say,"Thank YOU, Jesus, for what is coming. whatever it is or isn't...Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.

Man, I really need to take a walk or get out the real shovel before I blog in the morning.

What sh*t!

Life is good.

The air smells great outside today.

Spring is all around.

We have and are so much.

Have another cup of whatever and enjoy it all!

Digging...
"Digging is hard work I've never gotten used to. This is true for inner digging, too. Yet, from time to time we simply must do it to know what's under a feeling, a dream, an unwarranted action, a persistent mood. Under the surface is soil that must be spaded up to be able to see the truth. It's mostly unpleasant.

Acknowledging our stubborn, hidden layers is humbling. Long-held attitudes of isolation, self-pity, resentment, regret come to the surface. They are like scattered heavy stones around us. We are broken. We are clay. Rabbi Mendel of Kotzk once said,"Nothing is more whole than a broken heart."------Gunilla Norris


Holding a couple of proverbial shovels here. And one that is securely present in ordinary reality. Digging, digging. No broken heart (at least not today). Just lots of unpleasantness being unearthed. Puts me in a weird mood. Response--walk, dig, tea, sleep, more-more-more WALK, therapy talk. I don't want to carry around these bull-shit thoughts of blame, avoidance, crazy-days, inattentiveness, shame, isolation, contracted breathing...it is NOT REAL. NOT TRUTH.

We had one of the best bookgroup discussions last night. Kindred by Octavia Butler.
Brought up all sorts of threads and juicy, unsolvable tendrils about race, fear, love, relationships, use and abuse, family, sickness, healing, power.....the list goes on. I do so value our readings, sharings, and the hearts and minds that come to this endeavor. We are reading my choice next month-eat, Pray, Love.

Off to explore today. And dig. And whatever Cedar and I want to do.....

"Handle them carefully, for words have the power of atom bombs."--forgot to whom this was attributed.

On another note: When was the last time you took a shower in pear blossoms, a bath in the light of the waxing crescent moon, and a deluge-encounter with the scent of lilac? It's all out there for you today.

Have you ever watched Swallow Ballet? At this time of evening, they swirl, dip, glide, and rotate high above one's head in loosely arc-ed spaces, a definite yet undefined rhythm and choreography. Later on these warm and wetter evenings, the ballet transforms itself laterally over glistened lake surface. It is quite spectacular.

Cedar and I have been out degrassing the front garden. We met some new to us neighbors and their dog named Sunny. They are in the process of adopting another rescue this weekend named Lily. We may meet her soon. It is sort of up to their cats, Dizzy and Roche (short for Ferocious). We had a nice chat.

Degrassing is somewhat tranquil if you are not in a hurry. And have nowhere to be. I rather enjoyed myself when I quit thinking about how much needed to be done and was just mindful of what was in front of me. Cedar keeps me company and lets me know if anyone is walking by. One year today was the second surgery. I was fussing earlier this morning about how much winter form weight I still have on my frame....and it was and is silly. I have more degrassing to look forward to and other tender tending in the garden this weekend. Things are open and expansive if I can just relax into here, now, yes.