Mississippi Moments

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Our First Sparkle Day! And on Hallowe'en, too!
Now, THIS is a call for celebration and remembering!
I've already been up hanging twinkle lights since 5am and preparing some easy, simple, fun ways to decorate the classroom.
After getting it out last night and the night before(I'm missing my dogs and other sweet things), I slept better.
It seems I just want to be heard...by me. (Sigh, what a concept) :)
So, I did. It's better. I rested well and no weirdo dreams.
WIll haul in more fire wood after I work out.
So to all of us who read this today, the time of the Thin Veils and Open to all Realms-
"May God, like a mother eagle, spread the wings of her Love and Protection over us throughout this Samhain night.
Amen.---Marchiene Vroon Rienstra

And for dear Turi, I don't know how to respond about your 4 or other dance. You will know it when you know it. :)

Monday, October 30, 2006

Samhain Eve--and Being a 4. Maybe it's a 4 and 1/2.
"Through the great pain of stretching
beyond all that pain has taught me,
the soft well at the base has opened,
and life
touching me there
has turned me into a flower that prays for rain. Now
I understand: to blossom
is to pray, to wilt and shed
is to pray, to turn to mulch
is to pray, to stretch in the dark
is to pray, to break the surface
after great months of ice
is to pray, and to squeeze love
up the stalky center toward the sky
with only dreams of color
is to pray, and finally to unfold
again as if never before
is to be the prayer.
-----------Mark Nepo, "God's Wounds"
All of what I wrote yesterday was true, for yesterday. I wouldn't change it. But I like standing off to the side of the rollercoaster as I watch it dip and whiz by. I've written about this rollercoaster before. In particular, it has a couple of other names- PMS, almost a week before the full moon, my favorite time of year and my first time in 15 years without my dogs to share it...
There are other things that are true today. One of them is that putting on Mom's old apron sometimes helps me to shut off the "monkey mind' and to settle into comfortable tasks like doing dishes, sweeping, putting the recycling away. Not too much tending and tidying, but a little.
Today was a workable day. I have to work on the mood swing and the impatience during reading/lit. arts in the afternoon. I should love it but I almost hate it. It's not fun and I am tired and cranky. I hate teaching reading in the afternoon. It should be the time for Writing, Handwork, and Social Studies. Maybe I'll check into some Readers' Theater.
I will be taking care of Molly, the Mclean's delightful otter-dog this weekend. A lovely chance to get all doggy and to work on
Accreditaion HW among other things.
I am dreading tomorrow. I have not followed through on my plan for the kids to have a fun Hallowe'en. I just don't care. I wish I did. And this will probably change in the morning. Or it won't. It's okay to not want to celebrate or observe or participate this year. I just don't have the energy and I don't care. I may have a fire.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

A Double Blog Day! Is that like two-fisted drinking?
I just need to dump some, well actually, alot, so those of you looking for a spiffy idea to chew on or an inspirational tidbit, you might want to check out Beliefnet. A few minutes ago, I came back from the adoption single parenting support group. Tonight was CPR/1st aid for kids theme. It was also alot of really cute kids and babies dressed up for Halloween. The world needs as many princesses as it can get...and the one dragon-princess who couldn't decide which one to be, so she was both..at the same time...with sparkly wings...smart mom found a costume that would do double duty and for double years if she wants. One of the mothers received her referral for Vietnam this week-a three month old baby girl, healthy, smiling, tons of hair. It will be another 5 months before she can go to Vietnam to bring her home. I am ragged, jagged with this waiting. I feel so STUCK here at Fair Isle. I don't have the impetus to do anything but the minimum. It is downright depressing. When you start believing in yourself and learning to take good care ofyourself, things start to happen. it reverbs-mostly in positive ways-all over and in and out. I feel as if I am rebuilding my little family/pack from ground zero. Part of me wishes I could just be content with things the way there were-a simple, busy, life-giving life with job, hobbies, interests, friends, etc. Add a pet or two, and ca suffit. For this Four, it don't.
Part of my weekend FELT like it really sucked. It won't sound this way, but it FELT this way, and to me, that's what I am complaining about. I worked too much in my classroom and didn't get nearly a third accomplished of what needs to happen for assessment and report cards. I am just sick of working all the time and the work never ending...and this isn't that I am a slob at school and a shirker afterwork. I had even planned to go in tonight after the adoption group, but decided against it. i am not sleeping well and I have wanted a god-damned nap since 3 pm. I feel like I didn't connect with any of my brothers or family up in Snohomish at the soccer game because I am such a weirdo, talkative, don't-get-it EMR. It probably wasn't that way at all, but it was a big deal for me to make the trip up there. I enjoyed my time, but I came away with the hole inm y heart still hole-y. That's the trouble. I still have this Hole. Most of the time, I can fill it with the Lord's Help from the inside out. This weekend, I have struggled and still do.
My attention went to every single woman out walking her dog in the leaves and wind and rain this weekend. I even saw Jan and Friday, the full of himself male Sheltie that the girls couldn't tolerate when he was a puppy. I DON'T WANT TO WALK OUTSIDE ALONE WITHOUT MY DOGS!!!!In this deepending autumn...on the weekends....in the mornings...in the evenings....I DON'T WANT TO WALK WITHOUT MY DOGS. IT JUST AIN'T RIGHT. Yes, I am still Grieving...alot. And just distracting myself is simply that, distraction. I still have to feel what I need to feel and work through it. For now, I think I'll do what I am doing-just fighting it a bit because I don't want to be sad AGAIN. I can feel it in my body-my hairs ache, my teeth ache, my toenails ache, my jaw, my neck, my head. I am dizzy. I am sad. I am heartbroken. I am frustrated. I am alone. I am lonely. I am weary of being sad. I am sick of waiting. I am impatient. I am grateful to be here and alive. I am being me. So I have some struggle this weekend with emotional eating, not a ton, but more than usual.
I didn't go to a birthday gathering this weekend because the person of honor just returned from spending a month in New Zealand with Huckleberry. I couldn't be around that. I chose not to be. Coward-huh? Self care. But did that stop me from thinking about it all weekend-Non.
SO,I went to the Bodies exhibit downtown Sunday morning. I was wowed beyond belief. Our Creator-Source is an awesome Creator. And to see all of the bones, muscles, systems, organs, everything-in real life...it was extraordinary. The one part that made me truly sad was the fetuses. There were several who had died inutero from various issues. These dear little ones now in the Bosom of Abraham made me cry. I headed up to Brigie's and she graciously made me a cup of tea and I enjoyed my bookgroup book for a time before dance practice. It was a good start to our Yuletide practices. Sara has ideas going and the rest of us contribute to fioll out or flesh out or tweak her conceptions. This collaboration is part of what I love. The tapestry of our movement, our ideas, our rhythms, our herstories--all with the little "tornado" dancing in and out and all around. And she had names for the tow "groups" Brigie and me-we are the "Ageds" for obvious reasons and Sara and Julie are--well- the "Hard Lifes" (this child has too much thinking time on her hands-reminds me of someone I know very well)
Why Hard Lifes? Well because, the lab is closing for Sara and for Julie, the boathouse is a mess. And that makes it hard to have dance practice there. We demanded new names and were given the Cutie Pies. The Hard Lifes got Beauties. I'll take it.

I don't have the energy for school this week--to be bright, upbeat, repectful, celebratory--It's SAMHAIN FOR HEAVEN"S SAKE and I don't want to plant any more "Seeds of Glory". I just want to hold on to the ones I've got.
And last and certainly least, I have been trying out the online dating thing once more. It sucks. I keep attracting the weirdest guys-not for me. I don't know what I was thinking. I know what I was thinking. I want TO DATE. I want to go for walks and hold someone's hand. I want to meet someone for coffee. I want to go to an occasional movie. I want to learn about someone else through conversation and listening. I want to bring someone to a ceilidh to dance with me. I want to play raquetball or go kayaking. I want to go listen to a poet or an author in February. And I want to do these things with a male-friend...I am not in themarriage game. or even the sex game...I have learned how to deal with that (although once a month it is difficult-that's an awful lot of energy rooting through my body)...it's my blog so I can talk about this. Some people took that God-given Hildegardian greening energy and created 10 children. Me--not so. I have my ways. So this online dating thing hasn't worked out so well....it's a bit like the timing of finding a new dog. Baby first and ONE baby at a time. One of the many things that I learned from this time with Neil was what my dealbreakers are and that's that. I'm upfront about this part, and so far it hasn't been an issue. It just makes me wonder about all the wounds folks my age are carrying around. I don't get boys. Sex is on their top three. It's in at number 8 for me. This boy-thing--I have some work to do, esp. if I get to parent one or more. That was made evident to me by my brothers and father on Saturday. I get it now, but it's not ingrained yet. Sigh. I have been enabling the wimp factor at school, too, and it makes me sick to myself.
So, to finish this up, I DID look for magic this weekend and I found it. Magic isn't some foofy stupid storybook thing to me. It's an energy of satisfaction, right alignment, a-ha, fulfillment, abundance, and I am glad to be here embracing this...so, I found it in the exhuberant leaves, in the mist and wind, in going to the first nieces/nephews' soccer games EVER, in supporting one of my 3/4 team members who had a meltdown this week, in going to the adopting meeting with an "act as if" happy/hopeful attitude ( and it helped but it didn't make it so), watching a couple of fun flicks (Over the Hedge and Hitch), dancing with my sisters and Rowan, and getting a bunch of the adoption paperwok in. Also, I have an idea for my "book". I'm going to chew on it and see if anyone has come up with anything yet. And I found my Charlie Brown Christmas music... I'm going to bed now to sleep.
How to be your own fairy godmother....?
I started out this weekend with some fairly solid ideas. Gather in a few and fey choice things and get ready to look for, create, or find your own magic:
Gather in Belief that you are worth this.
Gather in books that speak to this.
Gather in friends and other beloveds who know this to be true and who see it already ALIVE in you.
Gather in the outside world that challenges you to Look, Touch, Smell, Be Ruffled...
Gather in the gladness and the firewood.
Gather in the candles and the scented bathsuds.
Gather in your gratitude journal, your discovery journal, your rage journal or your internal journal.
Gather in good cross trainers, sports bra, water bottle, and a new Brita filter.
Gather in the music and the artists that give words and feeling and sound to your Heart and Mind.
Gather in your permission to FEEL----IT------ALL.
Gather in the giving in, the surrender.
Gather in the safe place, the sanctuary or the haven.
Gather in the support, professional and otherwise.
Gather in the Knowing, Wisdom, and Support of all the other Awakened who have trod their own path-experiences of this.
Gather in with one Deep Breath and cast the first spell...a Tinkerbell moment..."I believe, yes, I believe. See, I'm clapping and saying I believe and meaning it for this moment into the next moment."

Friday, October 27, 2006

Already I'm enjoying the heck out of this day(and this week) and I've only been up for three hours!
Had to blog this---because as NYC Colleens ays, "Somethings just don't get better than this!"...
Already this week, I got to hug my precious-to-me golden dog, pray and share with sister-friends, dance and "point -n'-click dance" ( teacher talk for use my words, watch student do or try, then say yea or nay and keep on keeping on), great coffee this morning, a trip to the grocery store to get PUNKINS, a solid workout with no serious aches or pains, a pretty good attitude and energy for work, Hope, a visit to my tree, Friend Rowan, in the back this morning, my lunch is all packed. I remembered to bring my own bags to the grocery store. I stewarded another box of stuff to the Goodwill. I am going to work on report cards with positive anticipation instead of dread. Yesterday the tech lesson which had beeen a disaster last week went off without a hitch. I was able to anticipate a child having a meltdown just by the body language and the 'color '(those of you who know me well know what I mean about this) around him before he went into P.E. so I calmly brought my phonics tests to correct right outside the door and sat down and sure enough....BOOM! 6 minutes later he came blasting through the door screaming at the top of his lungs about unfair this, and sideswiping that and all the good people were on the other team...and he saw me smiling at him (benignly) from the floor and he stopped in mid-scream-----and I invited him to hang out down there withme...took him about 15 minutes to work it out just mumbling and groaning and complaining to himself. Then he talked with me--love and logic we bless you and are not worthy--and then he tried going back in for one more round....didn't work but I was hopeful....and then he dissed the teacher and I wasn't so saintly. I actually went "Christian Brothers" on him and he settled down..I forgot that with all the working out, I have gotten stronger. He settled in for the rest of the afternoon after I bulldozed some compliance out of him----another thing for which I am grateful...angry 4th graders still drip and ooze snot just like first graders and it was lovely....some days I really miss first grade land so I got a little glimpse yesterday and that made me happy! hi-ho, Hi-ho!..and I have already prepared my after work concoction of beer and Mike-arita---one little bottle of that has been going a long way all week!....so, hi-ho----

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Psychology of change...part Deux...
* The subconscious mind has extraordinary capacity for storage and thought and makes the VAST majority of our decisions.
*You can program your subconscious mind (although, me personally, I never have learned to do this and have found that my subconscious mind without "programming" is indeed my most Authentic Voice)
*Choice is made in our conscious mind
*The choice is then carried out through the subconscious mind through habits, learned behaviors, mindless reactions, active response...
Other thoughts: (even when we are pissed, betrayed, abandoned, disrespected, misunderstood, and the worst-NOT SEEN)
Can we ever stop loving those who
opened us to ourselves?
Can we ever express the depth of gratitude
in those precious hours
our hearts exploded
and out walked someone new...She played upon the golden sunbeams
and sang rhapsodies that will forever feed her days ----Cindy Ruda, 2000

Today was a better day, I was not the Miss Crabbypants of the Teaching Universe. I asked forgiveness and it was given. I have a few observations from this day---
*I saw a pair of red-haired twins in a double stroller with a young mother and on her other arm was the leash for a strawberry blond girl-golden retriever...a littel slice of heaven in East Ballard!
*There was an older man out on an afternoon constitutional with his cat today--it was a gentle glimpse at a pair of beings who were in complete sync with one another on a beautiful October day.
*I dreamt last night, for the first time ever, that I was HOLDING in my arms a little brown girl-child with wispy black hair. She definitely knew I was her mother and I knew she was mine to love. I was crooning to her in a language I don't know yet but the other language was clear as day--we were on our way home from dancing and it was dinner time...and I knew what I was doing and it was something that was now ordinary to us! She was about 13 months old...
* A precious couple of hours with Dear Ones, with a subtle, unpretentious wine that could hold the Heart of the Prayers, Feelings, Musings, Sharings, and Sacred Space...I loved that and am grateful for the answer to so many prayers for so many.
*Dancing was a dream tonight---fluid, fun, interactive, challenging dancers, making evident progress, a few quiet sharing moments with the Sara and the Rowan of the two loose teeth---another precious day.
*I am aware in my Heart and Dreams of where I can "touch" the dogs. (One of the fringe benefits of being a 4-nonordinary reality is not so hard to access or create) It is this time of night (and early mornings...and afternoons when I come home from school...and dinner time...and weekend afternoons...and, bloody heck--all the time) that I miss "my girls" the most. I am holding them tenderly near me these days.
*I have one thorn about work in my proverbial foot...it's irritating me. I don't want to deal with it because it involves a trigger for a much more core Wound and the feelings and power around it. It is frustrating because when I dance on the edge of this-I find myself saying stuff that is meant to "protect' me from "attack" and then it slips out and I have to behave in a big=ass hurry as if it was some kind of weird-only-Erin-understands-this-joke. It happened this morning at the staff meeting before I even knew what I had said. I got "pushed" into sharing something for my table group for which I was reluctant and tried to stave off of... I know I can carry grudges--deep, hairy, muddy, we-will-bury-you-in-time grudges. I don't have the time or energy for this more specifically, I don't CHOOOSE this..talk about subconscious.I t means I don't feel safe around someone in certain situations and this is the way my subcon steps in to take care of it, of me. I want a different solution to this one so I don't feel like such an loser, left-outer person. I am who I yam and that ain't bad....just need to avoid throwing pearls before swine. I'm not going into detail but I am writing about this to cue my Brain and my Subcon that I want a different solution and to find it or create it...thank you, God, for this amazing day...I need to have words with my NYC sistah...she's blipping my radar...and not in a bad way...sort of like the Bat Cave phone is beeping that someone keeps calling and hanging up...

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Psychology of Change--something to think about now that the rains hit today...
1. People change due to one of three reasons:
*they have spent adequate time in despair and frustration with their lives or circumstances
*they have hit rock bottom
*they learn they can change
2. Motivation increases and becomes more reliable as you learn you can change (ie. Do it, keep doing it, and you will want to keep doing it)
3. Change means moving out of your comfort zone.
4. We are different than all other creatures in that we can choose to change.
Why am I pondering this? A couple of reasons--I'm still not comfortable being alone with myself in my surroundings. I keep telling myself that it will just take time. Which brings me to the second point--I have time, I have choice, I have everything and the days just keep going by-positively--but without a whole lot of MEANING--and to a 4 who thinks too much--this is not the best. So, I'll just keep the kick-ass Celtic music going, heat up good soup, make the fires warm and cozy, read great books, do my accreditation homework, work out at home and away, watch a few movies, call some friends, and avoid Sheltie breeder numbers...but having a little male tri named Tango sounds really fun....

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Cygna and Lyra (Swan and Harp)
These are the two constellations that I remember from the bonfire at the beach on Friday night-and that was a fire of note, taller than me, full of applewoods, butterfly bush, old decking, lavendar, rosemary, cedar, Christmas pine, and odds and ends. The sun was slipping right behind the Olympics as I started unloading and then Rene came. The fire began to dance and the clouds seemed to thicken, through the smoke, along mountain edges and the emerging starscape. We were joined by a young couple--I thought they were urban campers at first. Turns out he was a journeyman and she was a Ukranian au-pair. They were newlyweds. All went well in the beginning. The it became apparent that he was on alot more than just the rum and cokes he purported to be sipping. And I called him on his bullshit--and he upped and left...which was fine with me...we wanted his wife to stay. She was a farily well-educated young woman and I got the distinct impression that the marriage might have been for reasons other than true love. She and I had been having a fairly articulate and involved discussion on pedagogical models and the new data-driven decision-making in the states. It is very different in the Ukraine although she was very familiar with Montesorri and with Waldorf. I just have no patience with people, esp. men who think that the government and the world owe them an education, a job, a life, ANYTHING--get off your ass, turn off the TV, and go to the library. There pick up some books, open them, begin to read, keep reading, take a break and go build something or find some interesting people with whom to discuss what you have been reading (drug-free, of course), and keep doing that until you have educated yourself...or go talk to someone or read the bio of someone who is living the way you want to live or doing what you want to do and find out how they did it...then go do it...NO ONE OWES YOU ANYTHING_YA BIG BABIES!!! I could keep going and go off on the women (or gay men) who fall for these losers and want to save them but then I would have to look in the mirror and I am having too much of a good weekend to do that....maybe tomorrow.
Saturday involved a workout, a long drive on my favorite kind of cool, foggy October morning with colorful leaves, good music, and a great cup of coffee. I ran an errand for my friend, LIttle Feather, who is down in CA caring for her step-mother.
There was a nap and some work around the house, a bath and some reading.
Saturday eve was spent with Mary J. going to the punkin carving party at the Briners and then to the Gallaghers for the kitchen ceilidh/session. Both were fun and I ate too much. Loved the company. Fell deep asleep when I came home.
Sunday was spent burning things, cleaning things, sorting things, pruning things, tossing things...we're coming up on Samhain and the Celtic new year. Also today was the first time I have handled the ax since Fiona died and I chopped enough wood and kindling to last through Thanksgiving, maybe longer. I didn't hurt myself or anything else. I was mindful and happy during this. Chopping wood is one of my favorite things to do--it means that I am keeping my pack (which means just me for the moment) and my nest warm, even if the power should go out. I also created another mound of good stuff to burn for the next bonfire which may be this next week at the beach. I filled the green yardrecycle barrel with bamboo, elderberry, pear branches, and enough comfrey to tend to a mountain of hurt knees--one or two clumps are plenty for my needs. I stewarded four boxes of books. I wrote some letters and I managed a nap. I like this napping on the weekends. I even watched "Chocolat" encore une fois...now, I'm technically not ready for school this week but I will be. I am more ready on the inside..which means having a Life.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Sleepy, very sleepy-still. Haven't made it in to work out yet because I hurt my ankle somehow, aggravated the muscle on the inside of my right foot. I don't want to stop working out, but I need to rest it and see what happens. The extra dozing gave me a dream where I was living back at 1806 with a new to me dog, a black lab mix of some sort. Didn't know her name but she was brought into the home by me. When I went to take her outside, the back deck steps rotted away and fell down, and when I went to go take her for a walk, the leash contraption had a soft muzzle on it-which she accepted and which I hated. We never even did get out the door to walk-poor dog. There were also 3 kittens and a cat in the house. No parents though, but it was clear that I was caretaking and they were on another floor...weird, this dream. But the eyes of that girl-dog were sad and patient. She never barked, just waited. Sounds like how I feel sometimes waiting for this adoption process to gear up...I wonder if I am the dog in this dream...never getting outside, never going for the actual walk, muzzled and accepting, putting up with smelly cats...I'll try working out after school.
Two thoughts for this day: Hard work.Done well. Feels good.

and part of a poem called "So Much Happiness" by Naomi Shihab Nye
...Everything has a life of its own,
it too could wake up filled with possibilities
of coffee cake and ripe peaches,
and love even the floor that which needs to be swept,
the soiled linens and scratched CDs...

It's Friday.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Okay, so Maude gave me this book years ago when my world was falling apart the first time. I didn't know which way was up. I didn't know there WAS a way. I only knew that I needed what was "home" to me--parents, job at St. Anne's, family, Queen Anne, rain, rain, rain, and people at the Safeway who didn't ask for id when I wanted to write a check. I wanted others to SEE ME because I couldn't see myself. It took years of therapy, another failed marriage, a whole lot of prayer, Taurus-tenacity, dogs, family of choice and of origin, and the sanctifying love of my Lord and the Mother to bring me to where I am now( oh, I almost forgot-popcorn, coffee, chilled chard, and cheetos...and Christmas music... helped too)...which is back to this book and Maude. My thoughts, in particular, are full of love for her this morning because of who she is in my life, in the lives of her husband and boys, in the lives of her friends, community, work, and else...she gave me this book called Simple Abundance ten years ago. I still have the card. It was a simple, clear, gentle act of saying "Hey, we love you. You are held. You are NOT forgotten. You belong to us. We SEE you." Because of this and simple abundances like this- moment to moment, breath to breath, step by step-seeing, feeling it all, screaming at the futility, raging at the hole or prison around you that you have built yourself and not knowing it,adn being too exhausted to do anything else but slump back down and say,"I don't like it here anymore"or"Pass the cheetos" or "Help, somebody hand me a ladder or more cheetos" or "Oh, look, I have key right here over my Heart and the hammer in my own Hand." Holy SHIT!! Time to build my own steps out--or tunnel out another way. All this started today because I opened this book from Maude to a page that I have never read before..and I know what I have read. It says for October 18th: "Today might be tough for you. You might not want the next moment to show itself, to reveal the twists and turns of life's mystery. But at least you have it. You still have life. A choice as to how to live this precious day..."
Me, personally, I'm not in this space of need, loss, or despair at this moment..and most of time not there. I see myslef just fine--a few wrinkles, agespots, a great smile, intense twinkling green eyes that make 4th graders come up to me at school and say"Ms. R. what are you thinking about NOW?"" and I am thinking "Wouldn't you just like to know?!?!" I am learning how to make my own wishes come true, adn itis just a matter of choosing which ones to set next to the pumpkin because I am the fairy godmother holding the wand. And it's a damn fine wand.
Case in point: Someone at my nutrition class told me to make wishes in the following 17 hours. SO I did it-one intentionally and two just in the moment. Here's what happened-I wished that all of my Family of Choice would move home. Last night I got the call-they are all coming back home to Seattle to live. Boink! Okay-then last night at dance out of the corner of my eye I saw one of the PNA staffers walk by with a lovely bouquet of flowers. I whined to myself a bit--why doesn't anyone bring me flowers and then I thought-Oh after dance, I'll go get a small sweet bouquet for the house on the way home (in the past was a lovely habit that Neil had of keeping the Fair Isle cottage sweet with vases of fresh flowers--I haven't cultivated that habit yet). Two seconds later, the Petersons are at the door of class with a huge bouquet of fall flowers for me---seems I had forgotten that I had done some consulting work for her and set up the deal that when it rained, to please surprise me with fresh flowers on a dark, dreary night. BOINK! There are five vases of fresh flowers in this little home now! Wish three: I have a hole in my performance dance shoes and I like the old-fashioned unergonomic ones exactly in my size. I whined on the spot to myself because buying shoes is right up there with buying bras for me-EIUYUCK. Anywho- at the break, Jenny handed two pairs of these old-fashioned shoes that she wants to pass on and guess what! The shoes are my size and already broken in . BOINK!! So, I thanked the Universe and the Mother of all Fairy Godmothers, and then I put in the BIG WISH. You all know what that is. I will keep you posted.
And one last word for the tall, beautiful, courageous women that call themselves my sisters-of origin and of choice--when you notice how others are perceiving you...remember that you didn't give a rat's ass when you were three---and now the only difference is that you can drive, have sex, read, and eat cheetos...YOU HOLD THE WAND AND THE MIRROR! BOINKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Ok, Dream Analysis 101-any help out there?
the Somnambulist is baaaack...this time I unscrewed several lightbulbs around the house and woke up to find the pile in my bed-all without knowing how or when or that I did this...what does this mean? Maybe I should lay off the Mike-arita-wait, that wasn't last night-last night was the rosary...maybe I should lay off that..Don't know. Thanks for the comments and quack-ups...
Try this one on:
"Law changes, but got tos go on. You got the right to do what you gotta do."-Steinbeck, Grapes of Wrath

And one more:

O God, help me
to believe
the truth about myself
no matter
how beautiful it is.--Macrina Wiederkehr

My Heart is holding all who need and seek Healing in Love and Intention...
T'anks, Gang! Just wanted to be "seen" and heard...:)
Try this one on:
It is love that fashions us into the fullness of our being-
not our looks, not our work, not our wants, not our achievements, not our parents, not our status, not our dreams.
These are all the fodder and the filler, the navigating fuels of our lives;
but it is love: who we love, how we love, why we love, and
that we love which ultimately shapes us.
It is love, before all and after all, in the beginning and in the end, that creates us.
Today, remembering this, let yourself acknowledge and remember the moments, events, and people who bring you, even momentarily, into a true experience of love,
and allow the rest, the inescapable mundanities of life, like a cloud, to very quietly drift away.----Daphne Rose Kingma

Good day yesterday. Am on a Visiting Accreditation team for a school down in Auburn. It was a full day and an informative one. I have homework-which is good for this active mind when it is dark and rainy outside and dark and Raney inside.
Mary J. and I had a lovely din-din of split pea soup, cheese sandwiches, and then prayer time in front of the fire. There is a conflagration at Shilshole this Friday night and a music/potluck/mini-dance-arama at Gallagher...plan to attend all of the above if my brain cells remain intact and functioning. Until then, I shall off to work and a day with the 3rd and 4th grade lovelies.
And, another one of my wishes came true last night---can't talk about it now, but no,it does not involve a boy, a dog, a cabin, or a kid-that comes later. This holds dear friends closer...really!

Sunday, October 15, 2006

How come no one ever comments on my blog anymore?
Is it that boring? too heavy? no news of note? no points of interest or connection?
I'm just curious. I am going to continue this adventure, right along with my Gratitude Journal and weekly sacred circle times, dancing, laughing, learning, working, laundromatting, worrying about my little sistahs, etc.
I hung twinkle lights in the kitchen-nice, soft illumination. I'll get out the orange and gold leaf cover-things to put over and we're set for the holidays-which, as far as I am concerned, are from now until Imbolc-Feb. 2nd, St. Brigid's Day.
I made split pea soup tonight-goes great with a magarita. I watched a silly movie- "RV" with Robin Williams..just that, plain silly. Nap, church, avoiding paying bills,
I was asked today if I want to go to Vietnam to teach English this summer to Vietnamese sisters who run the orphanages there. I am thinking on it. It would mean Jonestown wouldn't happen next summer...and some BIG part of me wants to be pre-empted by other important happenings...I love tripping on the baby carrier in the living room.
I am very aware of the debts I owe. It is a hard thing to come to terms with out of balance behaviors and reckon with them. It is easy and almost imperceptible how behaviors that were once chosen to fill 'holes" on the inside can be transferred to other behaviors--the whole purpose being to try and fill the inner "holes' with external distractions, feelings, things, experiences. It doesn't work that way. The inner holes are still there when the quiet comes. So are the discomfort, dis-ease, and shame of not owning up . There is still a Part of me that believes somewhere deep that I am not ENOUGH. Some of my spending habits reflect that this still has power...I've come this far...no time to turn back, no reason to. Time to reckon.
Ok. I am also wondering if my sisters of origin think I am a quack...I hope not.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

The herbs of the field and
the symbols of land
bring healing and bliss
as they come through my hand.
I welcome new fruits,
I welcome new birth,
as old wounds are healed
in the joy of the earth.__Nancy Rose Meeker, "The Healer"

Did you see and smell what an unbelievable day it was today? The mist never lifted. It was my favorite kind of October day--grey, coccooned, color-filled, cool, damped-dry...little errands and little visits. Big naps, big baths, big reading. The woodstove is cleaned, inspected, and given the stamp of safety. Winter may now approacheth. The drycleaning picked up, the water hand- scooped from the broken washing machine and bleach put in to eradicate the smell. Laura and Mike are safe, warm, and living in a home-not an empty house--. That was a relief. MP and I enjoyed a walk and dinner and tea. Not too many people I know have a Master's Degree in existential phenomenology from DuQuesne. I told you there was depth to that woman. We are planning an excursion to go down and visit Billie and Laurel from Book Group with Meegan. I look forward to that drive and time shared.
Another A-haaa moment today--I realized that I don't "NEED" dogs to live fully...this does not change the WANT dogs aspect of what I consider to be an abundant Life! I almost called Brenin with the news...Looking forward to the dancing this week...church tomorrow, time with Mary J., a little work in the classroom, a walk at Shilshole hopefully to see the trees on the hillside in their autumn finery and to hear the sealions wailing on the buoys...

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Dive into yourself, and in your soul
you will discover the stairs
by which to ascend. ---Saint Isaac of Ninevah

Finished with most of the conferences...am almost ready for my sub on Monday. I will be on a visiting team for accreditation down in the south Sound area. I am looking forward to learning more about the new protocols and procedures for accreditation, so that when it is our turn, there will be no surprises.
It was not difficult talking with the parents. Having all of the data and assessments actually made it much easier and gave our conferences some very concrete points of reference.
I have checked out a couple of videos recommended by students. I intend to rest up, take some long walks, journal some, stay off the sheltie webpages, visit with friends, and clean out one of my personal tubs in the basement. I have discovered that there are four and they need to be looked at. I hope we dance as sistahs this weekend in prep for Yuletide. Another interesting note: I had another ex-husband dream. This time I wasn't beating the crap out of him. I tracked him down and demanded my housekey back...and got it. He tried to skive out of it and even gave my key to his current lover/partner, but I went after her, too. There was no violence, just persistence and an assertive voice--no screaming, no raging, no hyperventilating when I woke up. I managed a nap between conferences today, too. That gave me a second wind for sure.
Candlelight everynight, Christmas music, hot-hot baths, tomato soup and hot chocolate, and warm, snuggly bed-sometimes on the floor in front of the fire ---Hommmme...(say it with me in your best E.T. voice).
I plan to put in a call to Sr. Kay this weekend and find out about the orphanages run by the HNA sisters in Vietnam...much Love to all who are struggling, questioning, healing, growing, changing, transforming, grieving, laughing, and just plain trying to find clean underwear....

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Fill my spirit
with the wild abandon-infused winds of autumn
that keep positive and negative
space moving and changing,
charged and clear.
Fill my inner circle with the Beloved in the
form of lover, partner, true friends, family,
truth and laughter.
---Marcy Tilton, "Artist's Prayer"

Boy, am I tired! Two hours sleep and 19 conferences completed today-with a lovely walk at early eventide amidst goldens and reds under a sun-warmed blue sky. It was quite a day. 9 more tomorrow and it's all stretched out until 6pm, but then it will be over until a few more next week. All went well today--and I worked hard to prepare and to be ready for all the Data-Driven Assessment/Evidence/Decision-making.

I enjoyed time with the parents. I came away today believing that they know how special their children are and that they are held in "Creative Love".
I'm missing my dogs today.
Time for the resting...4:45am comes early. Love to you, Morningsong.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Fill your bowl to the brim
and it will spill.
Keep sharpening your knife and it will blunt.
Chase after money and security
and your heart will never unclench.
Care about people's appoval and you will be their prisoner.
Do your work, step back.
The only path to serenity.--Lao Tzu

I have dirt under my fingernails. I have hops leaves down my back and elderbery in my hair. Some of the front garden has begun to be put to bed for the winter. Flicker called and called while I was out there working. The trees rustled and sunshine tickled the backs of the alder and weeping birch. I worked for an hour and a half and came near to tears only three times... Looking for furry faces under the lace-leaf and remembering to close the back gate. I am looking forward to those days again. The black kitty came out again, walked the paths through the front and made as if to inspect the lawnmower, making certain that I knew she was there. She has made a direct connection nearly everyday for the past couple of weeks. She lolls near Peregrin in the back, splays out on the driveway in the afternoons on days I come home at a reasonable hour, and she sets and stares when I come out to check for mail or bring out recycling. She was near but hidden when my friend, MP, tried to connect with her last night. I could "feel" her but she was hiding near the garage. I get the sense that I am hers" and Fair Isle, too. This will unfold.
So it turns out I totally blew off book group on Friday night because I was so busy celebrating the full moon and friends in this little house. My Bad. But it was so Good to have life and laughter in here again--not to mention mac and cheese. Next month, I am there--now I need to find out the book. I enjoyed the time with MP. We walked and talked. I learn so much when I am around her. She seems so quiet but that well is DEEP and Alive. And she speaks "Cat". I am glad she lives close.

I took courage and went after one of my personal goals this morning. I went to service/church(?) with my brother and his wife up in Snohomish. I have wondered about this faith community of theirs for a long time-years in fact. Then I was given the opportunity to be of service at the soccer camp connected with the community. There was a lot of life and Spirit then and there. And this faith community touches and fills M- and K- and their family in so many ways. So, I went. I was not disappointed. Imagine my surprise, when we help ourselves to Starbucks coffee 5 minutes before the service and Matt tells me to bring my coffee into church! (Okay, not going to argue with you there!). The music was uplifting. I knew most of the songs. There was a choir and a few words from Pastor Sean. Then there was a sermon/Scripture lesson from Pastor Rod. It was all about the prodigal son. Then there was more prayer. The children don't come to service with the grown-ups and teens. There are three separate children's "churches" going on in the rest of the building. I wonder if they ever come to service together. I didn't know what to expect. I thought it might be something similar to what I experienced in MS. It was and it wasn't.There was alot of Love, focus, embracing, welcome, and Holy Spirit in that place. I do not care to compare. I wonder if it is being a 4 with a 3 next door that I can feel reasonably comfortable and connected where I am, etc. where Spirit is concerned-service, Mass, prayer circle with children, on horseback riding near mudflats and singing praise songs, faculty prayer, sweatlodge, walks on the beach, on the bed with coffee and dogs, Yuletide... I am grateful for all of it. I would like to go back. I loved seeing my nephews, too. Liam still doesn't know who I am...but Connor and Kieren do!
The clouds are covering as if God is making the night sky bed with dark, flannel sheets. Almost time to start another fire in the woodstove. I need to work on conference materials for this coming week. I have been avoiding it all day. I enjoyed a nice lunch with Val on the way down from Snohomish. We talked harps, books, and life. I like spending time with Val.
My neighbors just returned from their annual pilgrimage to wine country--eastern Washington. They are set-22 cases of wine and three pumpkins at a dollar apiece. I told Dave that he really broke the pumpkin budget this year.
And on a last note, 3 hawks made their presences known on my meanderings today--one dived bombed my car on Hwy. 9 on the way to church. I'll need to look that one up. Thank you, Lord, for this most amazing day...

Friday, October 06, 2006

A different name for sangria-----Breakfast!
I learned that one this evening. It turned out to be a party at Fair Isle, complete with mac and cheese, red beans and rice, "breakfast", cheese and crackers, and cookies! Not to mention-great friends, rockabilly music on KEXP and another fire in the woodstove (Note to self: pinecones make great kindling). We've been at it for a couple of hours now, sharing dreams, passings, blocks, and unfoldings. And for a room of 4's to not have been ankledeep in Kleenex was quite a feat.

Done at school this week, but not done this weekend. Will work some tomorrow and probably Sunday-no other way around it...but for the rest of this evening, I will relish in the full moon, the happiness in this home, and the two big cookies left over for a time to come...thanks Turi and Mary J. A lovely way to herald the weekend...

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Grazie, Francesco...
"Praised be my Lord, for our Mother the Earth that which doth sustain us and keep us,
and bringeth forth diverse fruit,
and flowers of many colors, and grass...Make me an instument of Thy Peace.

Life has stepped forth...again. Something has shifted in the past two days, really since the weekend. I can Breathe. I can Sleep (well, sort of), I can Work, I can Rest, I can Laugh, I can Dance, I can Cook Dinner..and then EAT IT. I can even sort of listen to my telephone messages in a timely manner...
This evening, the scent of dried cedar added to the woodstove caresses the interior of this little home with protection and the famiiarity of Circle, Sweat, Prayers, and Healing. This is the 2nd fire this week. Last night was "dried rosemary" night and slumgullion on the stove...so both the kitchen and the cabin room renenergized to the scent and activity. I am getting an affirming lesson in good self-care these past few days. I am eating soup/stews that were created with Love with Shelties in the kitchen last year for this time when I knew I wouldn't have it in me to eat or to care. I chopped plenty of kindling last spring with Shelties(one physical and one angel) in the backyard for this time when I knew I couldn't be present enough to handle an ax without chopping off my own foot. The Christmas lights are even back on and so is the instrumental Christmas music even as I am working on this...Home..it feels like MY Home.
Today is the special day of remembering and honoring St. Francis of Assisi. We had two prayers circles in the classroom today with two of the 3/4 cohorts, and we will have another with the third tomorrow. These touch my Heart and Spirit in such deep ways. It is almost a week without Love when the Circle is missing. Mass was what it usually was--the sacred space to place your Heart on the altar with the offerings and prayers with all of us, Children of God. I am finding my spiritual path leading to a clear place and I am thankful. I have been praying in the evenings with an old book I found in the Roosevelt neighborhood. It's entitled "Mantras for eventide". I just open a page and read, pray, ponder, and then...
I recently read most of a biography on Francis. What a human! I don't know what else to say. I don't resonate with most of what he said and did and simultaneously, I Believe that he "GOT" it--Brother Sun, Sister Moon, Brother Wolf, Sister Bird---Brothers and Sisters of the One and for the One. Called the "Little Pauper"--humiliated, starved, threatened, ridiculed, even despised by his own familia...his One Desire was to Live as His Lord...when it was time for him to die, he had his brothers in community take him outside, naked, and lay him on the cold, dark ground so he could leave this life as he came into it-unfettered, without accumulation, with simple faith, and on our mother Earth created by our Loving Source.

Most of what I wanted to say today has been forgotten in the course of this day. I always seem to get great ideas just before I head out in the morning. It flies away when I don't take a moment to jot a reminder..
Parent-teacher conferences are next week, For the first time in my career, I feel I have demonstrable data and information to share with the families of the students. I am enjoying preparing the pieces. Must make sure not to go overboard. I have also had a reality check lesson from yesterday. We are just teachers, just teachers. In the long run, we don't matter all that much. And still, I must and choose to act as if I AM important in the lives of these children. Without fail, I believe that there are no coincidences and that I have said a cosmic "Yes" or A-HO to do this work, with these children, in this Now. The next Now will be a different Work and a different Child. ( I am going to say here that I sense the Child for me was born on Sept. 15th of this year--just a hunch, and a Dream, and huge wishful thinking!:)...Sister Moon will be full this Saturday. It is supposed to rain some more. The children continue to work on their woodworking projects. Some began the weaving of colors today that, for them, represent the colors of Faith, Hope, Love, and Mercy...."Where there is hatred, let me sow Love..."

Monday, October 02, 2006

Dear Harvest Moon,
So this is the time of reaping what one has sown, accepting the consequences of having not sown, holding an honest place and space around not harvesting what you didn't sow and being impeccable about giving credit to those who did sow a harvest from which you have gained but not worked. There's alot there. The paradigms of this time are rebirth and death, a turning in and clearing out, a drawing in and...I wore my triskell of harvest colors to honor this Harvest Time and to stay aware of that which is mine, that which isn't, that which won't be, and that which I don't, in truth, want to be mine. It was a difficult and mucky day of working with the Team H. I won't say much more. I will say that I don't want to talk anymore. I want to work, teach, assess, create, laugh, play, and pray. This is the Harvest I have been Given. Let's get to it!

I am thankful for the Sacred Contracts time with Mary J this eve..and Christmas Kitty. Mary even had dinner and tea waiting after this (sigh) day. We talked, offered our Intentions, and prayed together. I've had too much good food the last few days--time to lighten up a bit and maybe work out a bit more for the rest of the week.
I received word from the Star-Sisters that they are safe and there. I am glad.

And in response to what Mary told me happened today at a school in Pennsylvania, I pray again with the words of Metta Sutta translated by Thich Nhat Hanh: Let no one do harm to anyone. Let no one put the life of anyone in danger. Let no one, out of anger or ill will, wish anyone harm. A-HO.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

over which every soul must pass
to reach the kingdom of heaven
and the name of that river was suffering---
and I saw the boat
which carries the souls across the river
and the name of that boat was
love.----Saint John of the Cross

Happy 15th Birthday, my Dear Fiona. I miss you.

I made it through this weekend without a meltdown, with quality time with Friends and Beloveds (and folks I don't know), with a little work (too much actually), some good-enough coffee, some delish vegetarian Indian food from the Udupi Palace at Crossroads, a Harry Potter movie and book, and the decision that a retired greyhound might be in my future and my to-come family, but not right now. I almost did yardwork and I made macaroni and cheese-almost like cooking. I bought twinkle lights this weekend. They are not up yet, but it may happen sooner than later. Life seems to be returning to this cottage. I also checked out overtsuffed recliners that rock and go backwards-for when sleeping and holding child will be occuring simultaneously. Bras are next and a proper fitting scheduled for our next-monthly outing with my big Sistah. She and her dancers this weekend were beautiful and professional. They gave of their time and talent to support the Duvall Quilt Show. I enjoyed the time on a crisp fall day with Mary J. and traveling the country roads. I just love this time of year. Some people wake up in summer. I wake up in fall.
I have energy intact, enough for sleeping, and a little hope for the week. I am getting tired of the dreams where I am beating up on my ex...literally. This last time, his face was painted on a wall. I spotted it and in my dream, went and found him, and started wailing/whaling on him with a baseball bat, hard and with purpose. I beat the crap out of him. He doesn't show pain or vulnerability, and he doesn't try to get away either. He always has his back to me or I hit him across the stomach as he is doubled-up. This is getting old, very old...so is his face in my dreams actually. The sad part of this for me is that I really want to be able to hold him in authentic forgiveness and some kind of love. I don't know what this is to be or how it is to be. Honestly, I don't think this is about him at all. I am also aware that my dreams are a window to parts of me...if one goes for that Jungian perpsective. The bottom line is that this is getting old and boring. I have asked for Help and also for Protection, but there is a Message that I am not "getting" and the dreams will keep occurring until I figure it out. Woot-woot! Therapy on the internet. You, too, can hang it all out there. I warned everyone...this is now my place to write a book-of-sorts.
Je commence les lecons de francais cette semaine et pour moi, ca marchera bien...pour le moment. I am also studying 'espagnol" and will be making weekly progress. Mary J. and are going to share and pray together every week. My Heart and Prayers are still with Laura, Jean, Mike and the Carmel community there. Time for bed. I have to go hide my bat first.